I feel bad. Everyone is at home learning medieval Chinese (zhonggu), cooking spherical foams (HgCl2), receiving military aviation training over Skype, and creating models of nuclear engines with matches. And then there’s me here, eating frosted donuts like there’s no…
They say you have to train your brain. I did a sudoku today and had to call 911 with a brain cell tangled up in my pancreas. I think my coconut burned out. Now every time I add up, I…
To start with I got up late, just for the pleasure of hitting the snooze button 74 times. It’s wonderful when you push it, you stretch out, and your toes crack. Heaven must be something like that. I made myself…
I’m so bored, I spent the morning going around the house breaking light bulbs with a hammer, just so I’d have something to fix. Then I took the ladder out and spent two hours replacing them, cursing the spiteful bastard…
Instagrammers are a thing of the past. Influencers are dead. YouTubers are all but forgotten. Meeting someone on Tinder sounds about as modern as sending a telegram. And if your answer is “OK boomer,” you’re more outdated than Woody Allen’s…
After spending the whole night going over the plan, I finally leave the house at 9:01 a.m., wearing a long coat, fisherman’s boots, a raincoat, a swimming cap under a moscovite ushanka, a pair of diving goggles, latex gloves, woolly…
The more time I spend at home, the more bad things happen to me. We thought that having an untidy home was tragic, but then we tried to make it too tidy. Today at midday, I started making mashed cabbage….
I’ve started to hatch an egg. I only have three more left in the carton. I spend six hours a day squatting in chicken position with a blanket to keep the egg at exactly 29 degrees Celsius (84.2 degrees Fahrenheit)…
My mouse isn’t eating. Maybe I should unplug it from the computer and take it for a walk. Looking out the window I see the lawyer from down the road walking a leash without a dog. I’m not sure whether…