Frank Rich, the longtime liberal columnist, was mistakenly arrested late last evening at his office in The New York Times.
Hours later, ABC announced that Joy Behar, the liberal comedienne and panelist on Barbara Walters’ The View is leaving the show. In a move that has also raised eyebrows, NBC simultaneously announced the departure from the Today Show of longtime anchorette Ann Curry.
Rich was released after spending only one night imprisoned in New York’s infamous Riker’s Island jail. He had been charged with a hate speech crime in a warrant filed by the Obama Administration’s Appropriate Speech Syndrome Commission (the ASS Commission in Washington bureaucratese), the new bipartisan agency created to “bring social justice and the Venezuelan Way” to the First Amendment. The Commission, chaired by actor Sean Penn, a liberal liberal, also includes the conservative liberal Arianna Huffington and the liberal conservative Canadian David Frum. Frum admitted to the “great sacrifice” in leaving the American Enterprise Institute to “once again be at the cutting edge of our society’s most important task: how to force Americans to think like me.”
It was later discovered a Rich column saying the president was “the worst President ever” was in fact an earlier column about George W. Bush and not about Barack Obama. Charges were dropped, and Rich’s request to stay on at Riker’s to spend three extra weeks “with those who do not discriminate against the gay community” was reluctantly denied.
While Ms. Walters is tight-lipped about Behar’s departure, it appears Behar has admitted in a biography appearing on the show’s website that she is “armed.” When Behar apparently protested that the reference was to a phrase that she was “armed with an MA in English education,” it was pointed out by co-host Whoopi Goldberg that the “M” in “MA” stood for “Master” and was hence an offensive suggestion that Behar had sympathies for slave masters.
In the climate of violence engendered by political extremists (“like that Moose Killer woman over at Fox,” sniffed one ABC executive) it was considered prudent by ABC brass that Behar and her now uncovered sympathies for violence and slavery depart the show.
The move comes as the Target department store announces in response to criticism from Today Show co-host Ann Curry that it will be renaming itself the “Object Aimed At” store.
Ironically, Curry herself has been forced out after failing to comply with a demand from her NBC employers that she change her last name if she wishes to continue on with the Today Show. According to one source in the network’s executive suite, while denying pressure from the Penn’s ASS Commission, ” ‘Curry’ is a synonym for ‘beat’ and ‘thrash.’ In this climate it has been pointed out to us correctly that we simply can’t have viewers tuning in to a show hosted by someone called ‘Ann Beat and Thrash.’ It’s a ratings loser and just feels, well, kind of creepy.” Also on the way out at NBC is what one Penn Commission source described as “zat hideously sexist Tiger Voods symbol, zee P-Cock.”
The departure of Behar and Curry along with the mistaken arrest of columnist Rich comes as Washington is abuzz over the newest bureaucratic power player on the Washington scene.
Police have begun raiding book stores around America to remove copies of a new bestselling book titled Conservative Victory.
The book is said to refer to ASS Commissioner Frum as “Fee Fi Fo Frum.” The ASS police would not discuss the raids or the book, nor would they comment on charges that Frum personally signed an arrest warrant for talk radio and Fox host Sean Hannity, said to be the author of the book. The warrant was 2,753 very detailed pages long and according to insiders was “personally written by David and the same Capitol Hill staffers who wrote the health care bill.” Charges that both the warrant and Commissioner Frum were incomprehensible were dismissed with threats of arrest to the reporter. “Look, Hannity’s books are banned, OK? Hannity’s shows will be banned? OK? Hannity will be banned. OK? Ronald Reagan is banned. OK? There is no such thing as a Conservative Victory. Now move along.” When a reporter inquired about Reagan the source snapped: “Look, Reagan lives, that’s all I can tell you.”
“ASS is going to be a huge boost for the president politically,” predicted one Obama White House strategerist. He pointed out that “Commissioner Huffington is seeking the death penalty for Guantanamo Bay’s most celebrated prisoner,” a move believed certain to be popular with voters. “Once she realized his name had been deliberately changed from “Khalid Sheikh Mohammed’ to ‘Khalid Sheikh-Your-Booty Mo’ for Me’ the guy was toast. She wants him fried, preferably live on MSNBC.”