Here’s How to Know What’s Really Happening on Election Night - The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Here’s How to Know What’s Really Happening on Election Night
Rachel Maddow, Oct. 31, 2022 (MSNBC/YouTube)

We’ll all be planted in front of our big screens on Tuesday night to watch election returns, hanging on every word, every prediction, every comment spoken by decision-desk habitués. The big, color-coded electronic maps will be lighting up, and the network “talent” will be working the touch screens with their customary élan.

It’s all well and good, but deeply unsatisfying. We get the results in the no-brainer races early, true, but, for the close ones and, in this election cycle, the ones that will determine who runs Congress, it’s liable to be an excruciating four or five hours — or, who knows, four or five days — of waiting, with the only apparent metric of progress being the “percentage of votes in” statistic that inches its glacial way upward until the long-awaited winning checkmark is appended to a candidate’s name.

We’d like to know more, and we’d like to know it a lot earlier than we do now. We’d suffer a lot less anxiety and probably get a lot more sleep.

Well, there might be a way to go “behind the numbers” while watching election-night coverage, to get a bead on what’s really going down.

We on the red team will know we’re having a rough night if these things happen:

  • John King is working the big CNN election map with a drink in one hand.
  • We’re shown film of Antifa members serving as poll monitors in Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.
  • A conservative-heavy precinct with long lines is reported to have run out of ballots at 10 a.m.
  • Reports surface of many ballot harvesters, a.k.a. “mules,” delivering votes to counting facilities.
  • Late in the day, NBC, coming out of commercials, is playing “Happy Days Are Here Again.”
  • A large shipment of additional ballots shows up at the aforementioned conservative-heavy precinct at 11 a.m., but additional ballots are printed in Tagalog.
  • Pundits on MSNBC are proclaiming the 2022 midterms to be the “most secure election in U.S. history.”
  • A federal judge rules that Georgia must accept ballots postmarked up to Nov. 15, the following Tuesday.
  • The mules are driving semis.
  • Cameras are on hand to witness buses full of illegals from Texas immediately diverted to polling stations upon arrival in New York City.
  • A precinct in Milwaukee reports 134 percent turnout.
  • A county that historically has gone 87 percent Republican goes 87 percent Democrat in this cycle, but the error is a computer glitch and “entirely accidental.”
  • Chris Stirewalt is brought back to the Fox News decision desk for an honorary appearance to declare a winner in the Arizona Senate race.
  • We retire for the evening with our Georgia, Pennsylvania, Arizona, and Nevada Senate candidates leading comfortably, by 100,000 to 600,000 votes, but, right before we drift off to sleep, we hear news that vote counting has unaccountably been halted in Atlanta, Philadelphia, Phoenix, and Las Vegas.

The above is not a rosy scenario. But if the following is happening, then the red team is having a nice night:

  • Rachel Maddow is taking off her glasses and wiping her eyes a lot.
  • PolitiFact is reported to be rehiring the 500 fact-checkers who were laid off after Biden won the presidency and Democrats won the Senate.
  • CBS’s election panel breaks into inconsolable weeping at 11 p.m.
  • Workmen are seen in the Capitol parking lot painting this on the curb in front of the Senate committee hearing room: “This Space Reserved for Secretary Mayorkas.” (Hat tip to Rep. Steve Scalise.)
  • Pundits on CNN’s election-night panel are saying the phrase “a bipartisan spirit is needed in Congress now” a lot.
  • Hunter Biden is seen boarding a flight to Brunei, which has no extradition treaty with the U.S.
  • CBS is going to commercial breaks and coming out of commercial breaks to strains of Mozart’s Requiem.
  • Pundits on all networks are repeating the line “now we’ll see if they can govern.”
  • Certified plumbers declare all water pipes at the Atlanta ballot-processing center to be in “tiptop” shape.
  • Wolf Blitzer has to “go lie down for a spell.”
  • NBC is running a chyron across the bottom of the screen that says, “Complete coverage of ‘The Day Democracy Died’ at 11.”
  • Not only are the pundits using the words “new majority” a lot, but late in the evening they’re saying “new majorities.”
  • And, if we hear commentators from ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC, and PBS expressing “serious concern about the integrity of this election,” we can probably sleep well.
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