It’s Christmas, a time of love and peace for everyone except columnists. So I’ve decided to lend Santa a hand and suggest some gifts that will fit their recipients like a glove. (READ MORE from Itxu Diaz: White House Anti-Christmas Video Has Side Effects)
AOC: A long dress screen-printed with the slogan: “Tax the idiots.”
Al Gore: A mini Lula da Silva action man whose nose grows when you pull his tongue.
Ayanna Pressley: The self-help book It’s Easy to Quit Wokism If You Know How.
Barack Obama: A decent script for his next movie.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Patience to put up with progressives who use X (Twitter) to lecture him on how to defend against an attack from the safety of their couch.
Bill Gates: One of his synthetic steaks with a side of fried crickets.
Cardi B: More of her usual reading. I don’t know, the Summa Theologica, Heidegger’s Being and Time, or Aristotle’s Metaphysics.
Elon Musk: Something that makes a lot of noise, flies a long way, and makes fireworks, like SpaceX or X (Twitter).
Donald Trump: Chocolates in the shape of a progressive journalist.
Georgia Meloni: A little more extreme for her right.
Hunter Biden: Striped pajamas and a lime sandwich.
Ismail Haniyeh: A colonoscopy without anesthesia.
Javier Milei: A rock and roll band to play background music for his speeches. And popcorn for the audience.
Justin Trudeau: An industrial garbage compactor to speed along his euthanasia plan for drug addicts after his genius decriminalization of hard drug possession.
Joe Biden: A compass.
Kamala Harris: A red “launch nukes” button to reduce population and save the planet.
King Charles: A real apocalypse, with its trumpets and all the partying, so that he learns to tell it apart from what he calls a “climatic apocalypse.”
Kim Jong-un: A Black+Decker Max Cordless Chainsaw, for cutting hair from the comfort of his home.
Leonardo di Caprio: The equality for all that he so craves. When everything gets shared, I call dibs on his ex-Bar Refaeli, the Beverly Hills mansion, and the Porsche Cayenne.
Manuel López Obrador: A good history book so that he can stop making it up.
Nancy Pelosi: An eye mask with a picture of a bare torsoed Donald Trump.
Miley Cyrus: The childhood that was stolen from her.
Mitch Mcconnell: A passport to some island paradise (far away).
Oprah Winfrey: The vice-presidency of the government. Whatever, we wouldn’t know the difference. She and Kamala Harris are the same person.
Rihanna: A Shazam that detects stupid political ideas.
Sanna Marín: A romantic dinner with no politics (and with me).
Taylor Swift: Five minutes without an opinion on everything everywhere and at all times.
Ursula von der Leyen: A little pony and a big wolf.
Vladimir Putin: A taste of his own medicine.
Xi Jinping: A decent counterrevolution.
Merry Christmas to all but those who celebrate the winter solstice. To those, Happy Harvest and, I suppose, my best wishes for eternal salvation through the intervention of an ear of corn.
Translated by Joel Dalmau.
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