The year 2020 is finally almost gone, and good riddance to it. It was a stinking dumpster fire of a year, a cheesy monster movie in which the monster didn’t take its cue to die. The Kung Flu pandemic, rioters coddled by Democrat governors and mayors, a record number of hurricanes and a presidential election we wish we could forget made 2020 a misery relieved occasionally by the usual tsunami of irony and political idiocy.
A U.S. drone strike blew Iran’s chief terrorist, Qassem Soleimani, into little bitty pieces. The funeral procession in Tehran featured masses of people shouting “death to America” while what was left of Soleimani was carried in the bed of a Chevy pickup. After Chris Matthews ranted that the death of Soleimani was like those of Elvis and Princess Diana, Iran announced that it would replace its state television channel with MSNBC.
Having just won the college football national championship, the LSU Tigers were celebrating their victory by smoking some good cigars. The stadium rent-a-cops told them that they’d be arrested if they didn’t toss the stogies.
The much more sensible Australians, while enduring terrible fires around their country, had their navy deliver essential cargoes to survivors and firefighters including dozens of kegs of beer.
In response to Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam’s outrageous gun control bills, 90 of Virginia’s 95 counties declared themselves “Second Amendment Sanctuaries.” West Virginia invited those counties to switch and become parts of its state. Unfortunately, none accepted the offer.
When the new U.S. Space Force designed its new logo and shoulder patch, it didn’t boldly go where no man had gone before. Neither Captain Kirk nor Commander Spock complained about the obvious copyright infringement.
Rep. Alexandria Cutie-Cortez said that in order to avoid the coronavirus, people needed to avoid drinking Corona beer. New York City restauranteurs had to assure Iowa tourists that neither eating Chinese food nor drinking Mexican beer would infect them with the coronavirus.
In his final argument to the Senate in Trump’s impeachment trial, House Intel Committee Chairman Adam Schiffty said, “Trump could offer Alaska to the Russians in exchange for support in the next election, or decide to move to Mar-a-Lago permanently and leave Jared Kushner to run the country, delegating to him the decision whether they go to war.” He was applauded by House Speaker Wile E. Pelosi, political super-genius.
Iowa Democrats held their presidential caucuses on February 3. Their expertly designed cell-phone voting app failed comprehensively, resulting in complete chaos and no way of determining who won. The failure of the app was later reported to be COVID-related.
Joe Biden said the Dems could run Mickey Mouse against Trump and have a shot. After Iowa and New Hampshire, it was apparent that that was their intent. The Michael Bloomberg campaign leaked the idea of a Bloomberg–Hillary Clinton ticket. The Babylon Bee reported that, in response, State Farm had canceled Bloomberg’s life insurance policy.
Bill Clinton finally admitted his 1995 affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky, saying he did it to “manage his anxieties.” He said that seeing a marriage counselor was the hardest thing he ever had to do because he had to pretend he wanted to stay married to Hillary.
Panic over the COVID pandemic spread, with stock markets falling and people hoarding toilet paper and being ordered to stay home. The citizens of Amsterdam lined up to buy enough marijuana to see them through a quarantine. The French, predictably, objected to anyone using the term “quarantine.” They insisted that unless the term was used to describe a French government action, the only term permitted is “sparkling isolation.”
President Trump was castigated and called a racist xenophobe for referring to the coronavirus — which emanated from the Chinese city of Wuhan — as the “Wuhan virus.” He immediately corrected himself, referring to it from then on as the “Kung Flu.”
Among the many lockdown orders was the one from California Gov. Gavin Nuisance, which ordered 40 million Californians to stay home unless they were working in an essential industry. Marijuana suppliers were, of course, included among the essentials. Baltimore Mayor Jack Young begged citizens to stop shooting each other so hospital beds could be used for coronavirus patients. When they didn’t, all further Baltimore gunshot victims’ deaths were counted as COVID-related.
The lockdowns resulted in the delay or cancellation of all sporting events. Sports fans quickly became desperate. One man, watching his yard while wearing a surgical mask, reported “Day 6 of no sports. Watching birds fight over worms. Blue Jays lead Cardinals 3-1.” My American Spectator colleague and pal Larry Thornberry wrote, “I now realize why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, or going for walks and car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.”
Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer exempted the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy from her stay-at-home order but added the requirement that people wishing to cook on their barbecues had to do so indoors.
Gucci-Two-Shoes Pelosi, defender of the poor, the downtrodden, and lobbyists wearing Armani suits, demonstrated the proper method of self-quarantining by appearing on television from her home in front of her $24,000 freezer eating some $20 per pint ice cream.
As is always the case with federal spending porn, the $2.2 trillion spending bill to help the economy recover was put in the hands of federal bureaucrats. Congress’ carefully designed $350 billion for loans to small businesses was quickly spent on loans to businesses such as hedge funds and chain stores.
State lockdown orders reached new levels of silliness, preventing church services, blocking access to parks, and resulting in the arrest of people for violating the orders. Noo Yawk City Mayor Bill De Blasio, eager to make the town more like Communist China, asked all citizens to call and report anyone violating his close-down orders. Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer banned people from going to out-of-town vacation homes as well as prohibiting the sale of house paint and garden seeds.
Liberals concluded that death was safer than hydroxychloroquine treatment for COVID.
As the month ended, the Times, a UK newspaper, reported that “New research shows that underwater flatulence off the coast of Sweden is creating as much gas as 20,000 cows. Mussels, oysters and clams were found to produce a tenth of all methane and nitrous oxides released by the Baltic Sea as a byproduct of digestion.” The global warming clowns immediately called for the mass slaughter of shellfish.
Kim Jong Un’s 20-day disappearance from public events was attributed to COVID by Western media, but that report was corrected after the Norks insisted that no one in North Korea is permitted to get sick.
McKeever’s Bar and Lounge in the Irish town of Rathdrinagh, though shut down by the government over COVID, began to deliver cans of Guinness beer and bottles of wine by drone.
Nigerians proved how dangerous disobeying lockdown orders can be. When two hotels were accused of being open despite Nigerian government orders, the buildings were demolished. The owners didn’t have enough cash to pay the bribes the cops demanded.
CNN assembled a panel of experts on the pandemic, including former CDC Director Richard Besser, former HHS Secretary Kathleen Sibelius, its own Dr. Sanjay Gupta, and Greta Thunberg, the 17-year-old Swedish climate change whiner.
As the month ended, Joe Biden came out of his Delaware burrow to say that any black person who couldn’t decide between him and Trump wasn’t black. At that point, the Babylon Bee announced that, to save time, it would no longer bother to write parodies of Biden’s statements and would just report them verbatim.
The newly fashionable mobs — Antifa, Black Lives Matter, etc. — began what the media insisted were “mostly peaceful” demonstrations comprised of burning stores and police cars, establishing “no-go” zones for police, and beating bystanders severely. The mostly peaceful demonstrations continued with the toppling or defacement of statues and monuments around the nation without interference. Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan, asked why the “occupied zone” in her city was tolerated, responded by asking why we can’t just have a “summer of love.”
After Minneapolis police caused the death of George Floyd, the Minneapolis City Council decided to disband the city’s police force. They proposed to replace it with a “community-led” force that “will have responsibility for public safety services prioritizing a holistic, public health-oriented approach.” Great idea. A holistic approach is sure to work with rapists, armed robbers, and murderers.
Memorable malapropisms can add a bit of levity to even the worst situations. While riots and protests over the death of George Floyd consumed several cities, Trump supporter Scottie Hughes criticized a rapper’s video about Floyd saying that it began “with a crowd throwing mazel tov cocktails.” (It should be a misdemeanor for any of youse not from Noo Yawk to use our slang. “Mazel tov” is a Yiddish congratulatory phrase.)
In reaction to nationwide protests over the death of George Floyd, the people who make “Looney Tunes” cartoons announced that Elmer Fudd would no longer carry a gun while hunting wabbits.
French troops killed al-Qaida’s leader in North Africa, Abdelmalek Droukdel, despite his call for a “kinder, gentler” al-Qaida. Some people are just hard to please. (Mr. Droukdel’s death was attributed to COVID.)
Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine said that America didn’t inherit slavery, we invented it. The ghost of Egyptian Pharaoh Ramses II was heard whispering, “Seriously, dude?”
Mobs of moronic rioters, supposedly protesting racism, toppled statues of Ulysses S. Grant and defaced the Boston memorial to Robert Gould Shaw and the all-black 54th Massachusetts Regiment.
Meanwhile, corporate weasels decided to cancel brand names including Aunt Jemima pancake syrup, Uncle Ben’s Rice, and Eskimo Pies. The Babylon Bee reported that Cracker Jack would be renamed Caucasian Jack.
As the month ended, Lockheed’s F-35 “Lightning II” was found to be unable to fly through lightning storms while every other combat and commercial aircraft can.
The presidential race turned to the issue of senility, presumably because Joe Biden was exhibiting more than his usual befuddlement. Twenty percent of Dems believed Biden was suffering dementia while 38 percent of Republicans believed the same. Meanwhile, Trump was seen rolling two steel balls in one hand while searching for a quart of strawberries missing from the White House mess.
Apparently bereft of Civil War memorials to topple, Antifa rioters in Portland, Oregon, set fire to a massive fountain made in the shape of an elk. Columbus, Ohio, residents, rejecting the name of Christopher Columbus for racism or whatever, suggested that statues of him be replaced by statues of the late Italian chef Ettoré Boiardi, better known as Chef Boy-ar-dee.
It was revealed that, in June, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts was hospitalized after injuring his head in a fall. Well, that explains a lot.
Burger King declared that it would fight global warming by changing the diet of cattle destined for its burgers to reduce cow farts.
As the overheated month ended, the English Department of Rutgers University declared grammar to be racist. If you want your children to be unable to think, speak, or write intelligibly, send them to Rutgers.
High over Lake Michigan, a bald eagle, annoyed by a drone being flown near it by state environmental bureaucrats, tore off one of the drone’s propellers and sent it crashing into the lake. Sic semper tyrannis, or something like that.
After Rutgers University declared grammar racist, it was inevitable that some other college would try to apply the same line of reasoning to other important disciplines. Sure enough, the Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health promoted research by a doctoral student that theorized that mathematical equations are really abstractions so that two plus two could equal five.
Wile E. Pelosi emulated her heroine, Marie Antoinette, by meeting her hairdresser to get a special “do” at a beauty parlor despite the fact that all such establishments were closed by state order due to the Kung Flu.
While armed with a flamethrower, one Matthew Banta, aka Antifa’s “Commander Red,” was arrested in Green Bay, Wisconsin. According to the arrest report, he was “known to be a violent Antifa member who incites violence in otherwise relatively peaceful protests.” Also, according to the cops, upon being arrested, Commander Red dropped into a fetal position and began crying.
Meanwhile, at a campaign appearance, Joe Biden said that a black man had invented the light bulb, but didn’t divulge the inventor’s name. Another doddering old man, this one in France, blew up most of his house when he didn’t notice a big gas leak and tried to swat a fly with an electric flyswatter. His death was attributed to COVID.
A California couple held a “gender reveal” party for their unborn child at which they paid for a pyrotechnic device that exploded in a huge cloud of blue powder, igniting a wildfire that burned a large chunk of the state. While arsonists set several other major fires, Gov. Nuisance declared the fires the result of climate change.
The California legislature began consideration of a bill that would change California’s nickname from “the Golden State” to “the Charcoal State.” Fox News scored the Headline of the Year by reporting that “Transsexual Satanist Anarchist wins nomination for Sheriff.” One Aria DeMezzo (thank heaven there aren’t two) was the subject of the report. He/she/it, who is, of course, also a libertarian, won the Republican nomination in a county in New Hampshire. DeMezzo’s motto was, by the way, “f*** the police.”
Italians voted to reduce the number of parliamentarians by one-third. Pity the Constitution prevents us from doing that to Congress.
Gov. Gavin Nuisance had words of caution for Californians going out to eat on October’s first weekend. His office tweeted, “Going out to eat with members of your household this weekend? Don’t forget to keep your mask on in between bites.” His statement was intended to conceal ill-mannered Californians who chew with their mouths open.
The death of a Florida man who had been crushed to death by a huge python was attributed to COVID. Meanwhile the Washington state agricultural department, lacking tiny leg irons, used dental floss to tie an electronic tracer to a captured murder hornet. The big bug escaped after destroying the tracer.
In a last-minute campaign video, Joe Biden actually said, “We have put together, I think, the most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization in the history of American politics.”
As the month ended, Floridian Dwight Turner paid $150 for a “full contact” experience with a black leopard. He reportedly wanted to play with it, rub its belly, and take pictures. The experience ended with half of Turner’s scalp ripped off and one of his ears hanging by a thread. Mr. Turner is not a descendant of Werner von Braun.
The Associated Press Stylebook — the bible of English usage for journalists — announced via Twitter that journalists should avoid “derogatory” words such as “crazy,” “insane,” “nuts,” and “deranged.” How the hell are we supposed to cover the incoming Biden administration if we can’t use those words?
Shortly after the election, not-quite-President-elect Joe Biden appealed for unity after a campaign in which Trump supporters were constantly accused of racism, fascism, and loyalty to Russia. The nascent Republican “resistance” agreed and promptly surrendered. Sen. Lindsay Graham said Trump should run again in 2024. Soon-to-be-President Kamala Harris agreed enthusiastically.
Soon after Gov. Nuisance declared more COVID shutdowns, he attended a large dinner party at The French Laundry, one of the most expensive restaurants in the country. A few days later, he announced a statewide curfew from 10 p.m. to 5 a.m.
Noo Yawk Gov. Andrew Cuomo and a couple other Democrat governors tried to get a head start on the Christmas Grinch by ordering people to cancel Thanksgiving dinners that included more than 10 people or anyone from outside their immediate households. Not to be outdone, Oregon’s Gov. Kate Brown asked people to snitch on their neighbors if they had more than six people in their homes for Thanksgiving. Brown lost the competition when it was announced that Cuomo — whose order that old-age homes must admit COVID patients resulted in hundreds of deaths — would receive an international Emmy award for his televised “leadership” on COVID.
Denver Mayor Michael Hancock tweeted, “Stay home as much as you can, especially if you’re sick. Host virtual gatherings instead of in-person dinners.” Thirty minutes later, he boarded a plane to visit relatives for Thanksgiving.
Meanwhile, the Babylon Bee reported that bible experts had determined that Goliath died of COVID.
After the election, I recalled an incident in late November 2000, during the Bush v. Gore mess. While Florida was still counting hanging chads, I went to England for a pheasant shoot at the invitation of my overly generous friend Nick. At lunch, I asked the assembled Brits if they would help me petition the Queen to take us back as colonies because we were no longer capable of governing ourselves. I remember Nick replying, “What makes you think we want your lot back?” His point remains valid.
The Babylon Bee reported that Joe Biden’s all-female communications team won’t tell us what’s wrong with America because we’re supposed to know already.
The San Francisco city government banned tobacco smoking in apartments. Marijuana smoking remains legal in those dwellings.
Russian officials announced that anyone who takes the Russian COVID vaccine shouldn’t drink alcohol for two months. Vaccinations hit near zero while vodka sales doubled.
A San Diego court ruled that two strip clubs could open and follow their own social distancing rules despite Gov. Nuisance’s lockdown orders. Thousands of California restaurants began hiring strippers.
Incoming FLOTUS Jill Biden insists on being called “Doctor Biden,” not because she’s an M.D.: she holds a Ph.D. in education. Her doctoral dissertation is a word salad of nonsensical educrat jargon. It also demonstrated the understanding of mathematics common among the U.S. “education” community. Apparently discussing a typical American class, it says, “Three quarters of the class will be Caucasian; one quarter of the class will be African American; one seat will hold a Latino; and the remaining seats will be filled with students of Asian descent or non-resident aliens.” Her math skills will be essential in formulating her husband’s federal budgets.
As 2020 finally ends, the only thing it hasn’t inflicted on us are massive swarms of murder hornets. That’s probably something 2021 has in store.
Happy New Year and good luck to us all. We’re going to need it.