The UN says that climate change “is out of control” because it was hot on Monday and Tuesday in places where it should be hot this time of year.
I don’t know if climate change is out of control. I’m pretty certain that the UN is out of control.
My theory is that the excess heat around the world is nothing compared to that which is happening to António Guterres’ brain, which this week reached temperatures close to melting point. Its subsequent self-combustion provoked some delirious statements that any one of his friends, excluding me, should have prevented to spare the institution he leads further descent into the depths of disrepute.
The UN says that climate change is a human rights issue. If they are so concerned about human rights, perhaps they should pay attention to the first of them, which is not to be such a pain in the ass to others.
The UN’s apocalyptic song could not sound more repetitive and outdated. The data they wield is about as credible as the announcement of my impending marriage to Maria Sharapova. And yet no one has been able to explain why Monday’s hypothetical record-high temperatures have anything to do with climate change. Once they explain this, we’d like to know how much of climate change is due to the digestion problems of cows, sneezing volcanoes, and deforestation to make way for wind farms and forests of solar panels.
In the end, they are going to get us to buy electric cars just so they leave us alone. They remind me a bit of those kids who stand in front of toy store windows refusing to budge and shouting at their bewildered parents, “I won’t move until you buy me this toy!” Up until now, I thought that the insistence of a child could be infinite. I was wrong. The insistence of a crazed adult with an official car and a post at the UN can be much more prolonged, tiresome, and absurd.
Experts say that more and more people are suffering from a new psychiatric disorder called climate anxiety. No wonder. It’s typical of peacetime. It is likely that if these people were eating scorpions, sleeping in the open, and trudging among the corpses with a tourniquet through a freshly bombed trench, their climate anxiety problems would suffer an astonishing improvement. Nevertheless, it is obvious that Guterres, the greatest exponent of climate anxiety yet to be diagnosed, needs shock therapy, a lot of medication, or at least someone to put a few ice cubes down his back to avoid his overheating.
No, climate change is not out of control. The climate has not gone crazy. The climate does not want to kill us. Cursed climate change is not a human entity with a will and plans to annihilate us. Fear tactics have always been useful to the Left, but you have to learn how to use them because. if you go too far, what you end up provoking is humor rather than dread; which is not a bad thing either, but I do not think it is effective for their purposes, which are — in this order — that we stop eating meat, that we buy electric cars, that we vote for left-wing parties, and that we close our farms and change our livestock for solar panels.
I am writing this under a scorching sun, sweating like a pig. Just like each and every 7th of July going back as far as I can remember. I don’t know what Guterres does in summer, but I have never spent July 7 under seven blankets, shivering, and trying to clear snow from my front door. In fact, I might find that alarming instead of worrying about a heat wave turning our cities into a living hell for the hottest weeks of the year. That’s why for 10,000 generations we have spent our summers on beaches and not inside metal smelting furnaces. Which incidentally, is exactly what the UN is, a metal smelting furnace. A dollar-coining machine. And it is out of control.
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