WASHINGTON — A week passes, and thus far the Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has yet to tell us whether he is or is not having sexual relations with a cow. As was reported in this column last week, based on sources in the field, Mr. Reid has been involved with the cow for at least three months, possibly more. My sources cannot be identified for obvious reasons. Even the New York Times would not reveal their identities. The story is that hot.
It is, of course, possible that the relationship is purely platonic. On the other hand, possibly Mr. Reid is more involved with the cow than might have been anticipated. It is time for him to come clean. He owes it to the American people and conceivably to the Department of Agriculture. Preferably he should make his statement on the floor of the Senate, which he reserves for such solemn occasions. For instance, his recent charge that the probable Republican presidential candidate, Mr. Mitt Romney, has paid no taxes for the better part of ten years was made there. His statement about the cow is no less important. Mr. Reid, we are waiting.
Yet let us now move on from Mr. Reid and his relationship — platonic or otherwise — with that cow (Bos primigenius), and let us come to the heart of the matter. What does President Barack Obama have to say for himself and his party? In this election year, does not the President as leader of his Democratic Party have an obligation to the American people to look into such serious charges? There are, of course, moral questions here and possibly questions regarding animal rights. Perhaps the Democrats are expanding the moral parameters in this affair. Well, it is not like them to refrain from boasting about it.
Naturally, there are also political questions. Will the Democratic Party extend the franchise to cows? This could become a whole new constituency for the Democrats. They could extend the franchise to the entire world of barnyard animals. Think of the consequences! They could sew up a massive majority for years to come, especially in rural areas. Talk about diversity, though there will have to be adjustments made in voting machines.
However, let us to return to Mr. Reid. My charge has gained credibility throughout the nation. Just the other day in Denver, Mr. Ross Kaminsky on 630 KHOW, the top-rated show in Colorado, commented favorably on my column, and its gravamen is gaining credence throughout the western United States. Soon its charges will be spreading to Mr. Reid’s home state of Nevada. Is Mr. Reid simply going to ignore the matter? The Democrats are going to have to answer these charges eventually. After all, we are talking about the Senate Majority Leader!
As for Mr. Obama and the Obama presidential campaign, what do they have to hide? Already their credibility is in tatters owing to their shoddy charges against Mr. Romney. First there was the charge regarding his taxes. Then there was the charge that his decisions at Bain Capital killed the wife of a man felicitously named Mr. Joe Soptic. His charge was leveled against Mr. Romney despite the fact that he left Bain Capital two years before Mr. Soptic lost his job and his health insurance. At any rate, it really does not matter whether Mr. Soptic had health insurance because Mrs. Soptic was covered by her own insurance policy. Mr. Soptic told CNN she worked until 2002 or 2003 when she quit because of an injury. However, there is good news. She did not die until 2006. Still the Democrats lay her death to Mr. Romney. That is what we call Sophistry!
Now comes Mr. Romney’s choice of a running mate, Congressman Paul Ryan. There are literally hundreds of lies that can be told about him, possibly thousands. But there is a problem with Mr. Ryan. He has answers. In politics he could be called the Answer Man.
I advise the entire Democratic Party to clear this question up now. Has Mr. Reid or has he not been canoodling with a cow? It is important because next week I shall be divulging the relationship of Vice President Joe Biden with a parrot, and the parrot is astonishingly lucid, at least in comparison to Mr. Biden.