We’re in an era where eating a burger isn’t really eating — it’s about getting the perfect photo. When you go to a restaurant, you have to take pictures of the place, the bill, and the main dishes; importantly, a couple of them have to be of you, with your mouth full and looking like you’re having an orgasm. If you just go to a restaurant and eat the burger, I’ve been told, you’re a boomer, a loser, a hippie, and maybe even a social terrorist. I know this bothers you as much as it bothers me. Nobody wants to be a social terrorist, especially not because of a burger. So I’m here to help you sort things out. Here’s how you should eat this summer:
Where to Eat
The important thing is to eat somewhere with plenty of light. There are idiots who eat in dark places and use one of those ring lights for photos and videos, but then they look like ghosts in the middle of the night. And ghosts don’t eat. That’s the only thing I remember from my childhood nightmares: ghosts didn’t scare me because they can’t eat, not even children. Try to eat somewhere well-lit, and if possible, make sure it’s a restaurant. Hair salons are bright, but the lunch special isn’t as good.
The Menu
Modern cuisine is full of little details — you know, powdered chicken claws, crab-shell moss spheres, squid ink droplets, and things like that. But none of that shows up in a photo. So my advice is to choose something more basic: a regular burger looks good and is highly photogenic. Otherwise, the essential thing is that the menu is expensive: remember that you’re putting on this whole show to get the owner to pay the bill in exchange for your amazing social media publicity.
The Close-Up
When you take a photo or video of your burger, remember that the only thing that’s useful for your social media is the close-up. In other words, the spot where you took the first bite needs to be so close to the camera that your DNA molecules are clearly visible sliding through the melted cheese.
The Crunch
If you’re recording a video, the important thing is that whatever you’re eating crunches, crackles, or makes a ripping sound when you cut it in half. The trend with burgers is to hold one right up to the camera with both hands and slice it in two, making an absolute racket while a million meat fibers and strands of melted cheese slowly pull apart. If you think the image still isn’t disgusting enough, zoom in even closer so the viewer literally eats your demolished burger. Don’t joke about this: the people who make these videos consider cutting a burger an almost sexual experience.
The Face of Satisfaction
Perhaps because of the above, when they film themselves taking a bite, they make a point of displaying such an extraordinary and fake expression of pleasure that it’s impossible to achieve while eating — unless, at the exact same moment, you’re getting a miraculous notification from the IRS telling you that you won’t have to pay taxes for the next three years.
Captions to Accompany Your Instagram Story If You Liked the Burger
- My nutritionist unfollowed me. #FatButHappy
- I came for dinner, and somehow I left a better person. #HappyWorld
- Can I marry the chef? #LoveAtFirstBite
- This burger has made better decisions in life than I have. #Confessions
- I finally understand why men invented fire. #SexyStoves
- There won’t be a TikTok Live today. I’ve lost all sense of time, I’ve died and come back to life, I’ve been reborn, I’m in Heaven, long live beef, long live melted cheese, long live ketchup, and long live the mother who gave birth to this chef! #Ecstasy
- I didn’t go out for dinner today. I took part in a historic event on the scale of the Normandy landings or the fall of the Berlin Wall. #ThisBurgerIsAnEmpire
- This burger should have the right to vote. #BurgersMatter
Captions to Accompany Your Instagram Story If You Didn’t Like It
- That poor cow didn’t deserve this. #Disgusting
- Why? #ExistentialQuestions
- This burger is like a shady ex-girlfriend: it’s taught me to appreciate every other burger. #Advantages
- The cheese looked like it was there against its will. #FreeTheCheese
- An unforgettable experience. Unfortunately. #Nightmares
- I loved the menu. It was clearly designed for Guantanamo. #Prisoners
- This burger needs a lawyer. #BurgersInTrouble
- And the chef needs a bodyguard. #ChefInTrouble
- The cow did everything she could. #HangTheChefs
- Dude, why don’t you try taking the rat out of the recipe? #EpicFail
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