Noted technologist Hillary Rodham Clinton troubleshot herself in the foot in Tuesday’s press conference, an injury exacerbated by her foot being in her mouth at the time. Fox correspondent Ed Henry forgot the rule of etiquette which instructs men not to look closely at ladies who are running. It was too confusing to capture all the details, but I did pick up the word “server” at several key points in his question. I gather this was a reference to Hillary’s early campaign scandal when she and Huma dined at a Chipotle in Iowa and failed to leave the server a tip for his trouble.

This practice compared unfavorably with her husband, who never failed to give a little bonus to young people delivering pizza or other treats. In her embarrassment, Hillary muttered something about wiping with a cloth, showing she has learned a trick or two from her husband. Still, Trump has her outflanked on the Chipotle issue. The food is alien to his digestion, so he builds up his stomach wall with antacid and he makes those Mexicans pay for it.

But apparently Hillary Rodham Clinton has other difficulties as well, one of which involves email. It seems she stands accused of deleting communications about yoga, a discipline she undertook to help maneuver from the FLOTUS position to the POTUS position. In denying these charges, she has proven to be an able contortionist indeed.

The White House for its part is shocked — shocked and appalled! — to hear the former Secretary of State was using her personal account for government business. For four years they were sending her top-secret information to hrc@clintonmail.com, never once imagining this was not an officially sanctioned government destination. They were astounded to discover their communications were going to a bathroom closet in Denver, there to be hacked by the Chinese and someone improbably called Ashley Madison.

Hillary defends herself by saying there was nothing classified in her correspondence. Obama did not trust her enough to keep her informed about cabinet meetings, much less vital intelligence. Occasionally Michelle sent a recipe for a salad made from garden vegetables. Then there were those annoying audio clips of Valerie Jarrett singing “I feel the earth move under my feet” and giggling uncontrollably.

All this misunderstanding with the Intelligence Community Inspector General was caused by a silly quirk of Huma Abedin’s husband, Anthony Weiner. He sent a lot of selfies, although occasionally he held his phone at the wrong angle with awkward results. The problem was he liked to write TOP SECRET on top of the picture and he insisted on signing as “Carlos Danger.” This set off espionage alerts at the IG’s office, with regrettable but predictable results.

So Hillary is right when she says there is no “there there” on the email scandal, because there was no “there there” in her tenure as Secretary. Nobody had anything of substance to say to her on any subject. This explains why Hillary broke the record for travel by a Secretary of State. With no work assigned to her at the office, she had to busy herself with sales calls in the field. She will go to any lengths to cover her shame and I don’t blame her one bit.

Of course, the difference between Hillary and me is she shot herself in the foot, while I am pulling your leg, and she put her foot in her mouth, while my tongue is in my cheek. Still, my little venture into absurdity highlights just how absurd are Hillary’s activities, behaviors, practices, habits, attitudes, poses, pretensions, affectations, assertions, presentations, representations, claims, denials, and excuses.

She can never again be taken seriously, my friends. No one will make a phone call to her home at 3 a.m., other than a mysterious caller who goes click as soon as Hillary’s voice comes on. It’s a Democrat Party thing, I guess: Ted Kennedy was brought to heel by Chappaquiddick — his campaign had a liquidity problem — and now Hillary is going down over Chappaqua. If she goes to jail, she will have no one but herself to fault: she will be a prisoner of her own device.