2019: Another Year for the (Comic) Books
by
First two-woman spacewalk (YouTube screenshot)

If we could rate years by their IQ, 2019 would rate somewhere between a member of Congress and a tree stump which, I’ll grant you, is a very narrow range. It was a year to remember if only for the gaffes, political chicanery, and hilarious ignorance that filled it. Fauxcahontas couldn’t wait for 2019: On New Year’s Eve last year she declared that she was forming an “exploratory committee” for a presidential run. And it all went downhill from there.

January

It’s hard to joke about nuclear war but U.S. Strategic Command tried. On New Year’s Eve, it tweeted, “#TimesSquare tradition rings in the #NewYear by dropping the big ball… if ever needed, we are #ready to drop something much, much bigger.” StratCom Commander General Buck Turgidson later apologized.

American astronaut Andre Kuipers, trying to call home from the International Space Station, accidentally dialed 911, throwing the Johnson Space Flight Center into a panic.

The British army, which is having trouble recruiting enough members to fill its ranks, began a recruiting campaign aimed at millennials, class clowns, and binge gamers. It featured WWI-style posters with catchy slogans such as, “Snowflakes: your army needs you and your compassion.”

Mr. August Williams, a very large individual, was attempting to kidnap a woman in Charlotte, North Carolina, when she managed to slip from his grasp and take refuge in a school. When he pursued her into the school, Mr. Williams was confronted by Mr. Randall Ephraim who ordered him to leave. After Mr. Williams attacked Mr. Ephraim — chief instructor at the school (the Bushiken Karate Charlotte Dojo) — what was left of Mr. Williams was taken to a local hospital under arrest.

With that incident apparently in mind, the American Psychological Association released “guidelines” for men and boys warning that “… traditional masculinity —marked by stoicism, competitiveness, dominance and aggression — is, on the whole, harmful.” Well, it certainly was to Mr. Williams.

The Gillette company, maker of the razors and blades most of us learned to shave with, took a cue from the APA and launched a new ad campaign that featured an obnoxious feminist condemnation of masculinity. Gillette evidently wants men to shave their legs as well as their faces. Many of us rebelled by vowing never again to buy a Gillette product.

House Oversight Committee Chairman Elijah Cummings (D-Md) said that “There’s so much [to investigate],” we’ve got to hit the ground not running, but flying.” Isn’t “hitting the ground flying” the definition of a plane crash?

Our only New Year’s resolution was to ignore the stunning idiocy coming out of the mouth of Rep. Alexandria Cutie-Cortez (D-NY). We were able to sustain it only until 21 January when she said that the world was going to end in twelve years if we didn’t fight man-made climate change.

February

Record-setting cold engulfed the Midwest with temperatures reaching -50F in Chicago and other cities. Nevertheless, the global warming clowns insisted that the cold weather was caused by climate change. As if on cue, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Agency tweeted, “Winter storms don’t prove that global warming isn’t happening.”

When it was discovered that the medical school yearbook page of Virginia’s Democrat governor, Ralph Northam, featured a picture of a person in blackface next to one in a Ku Klux Klan robe, Northam first admitted that one or the other was him and then denied being in the picture. Democrat Lt. Gov. Justin Fairfax was accused of forcing a woman to have oral sex with him, and then to cap it off, Democrat Attorney General Mark Herring also admitted a blackface appearance in the past. Being Democrats, none of the three was forced out of office.

The Duffel Blog reported that after the blackface scandals engulfing Northam and Fairfax, Navy SEALs will no longer be allowed to wear black face paint on raids.

Rep. Alexandria Cutie-Cortez finally unveiled her “Green New Deal” plan. It’s a hilarious concatenation of every liberal/socialist hallucination including bans on air travel, cow farts, and internal-combustion engines. It also features a guaranteed income for people who refuse to work. Republicans were at a loss as to how to use it for campaign purposes.

Presidential wannabe Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) said he aimed to be the first vegan president because the planet cannot sustain people eating meat.

Cutie-Cortez and her Democratic Socialists drove Amazon to cancel its plans for a second headquarters in Long Island City. Amazon was scheduled to receive about $3 billion in tax breaks if the HQ were established there, creating about 25,000 jobs. Proud that she and her fellow commune dwellers had driven Amazon to cancel its plans, Cutie said, “If we were willing to give away $3 billion for this deal, we could invest those $3 billion in our district ourselves if we wanted to. We could hire out more teachers. We can fix our subways. We can put a lot of people to work for that money if we wanted to.” She didn’t understand that the $3 billion was impossible to spend on anything because it was proposed as a tax credit: it was money the government wouldn’t have received whether or not Amazon had canceled its plans.

We note, sadly, that Cutie-Cortez has a BA in economics and international relations from Boston University. The university’s accreditation should be revoked.

Actor Jussie Smollett, dissatisfied with his TV show salary, hired a few thugs to stage a fake hate crime against him. They fulfilled their contract by posting a letter containing white powder and beating Smollett while shouting anti-homosexual and pro-Trump mantras. Smollett was dumb enough to pay the thugs by check. Police discovered the fake and Smollett was arrested. (After Smollett was indicted on sixteen counts by a Chicago grand jury, Chicago DA Kim Foxx dismissed all charges against him because she’s a “huge fan.” Of Smollett, not the law.)

March

Volkswagen CEO Herbert Diess said, “EBIT macht frei,” echoing the infamous sign above the Auschwitz death camp gate, “Arbeit macht frei,” which, in English, means “work makes you free.” EBIT, he didn’t need to say — earnings before interest and taxes — is the product of “arbeit.” If that weren’t enough to give the entire world a massive sense of déjà vu, Francesco Cali, head of the Gambino crime family, became the first New York mafia boss to be whacked since 1985. Neither the Volkswagen board of directors nor the mafia was reported to be going to the mattresses.

The UK Parliament first voted against PM Theresa May’s Brexit plan. Then voted against it a second time, and then voted to not leave the European Union without a deal, even though the UK’s law set 29 March as the day Brexit was to happen. Karl Marx was right: history repeats itself first as tragedy, then as farce. May — never one to take “no” or “hell no” for an answer — submitted it to a third vote and failed again.

Democrat-Socialist presidential wannabe Bernie Sanders’s campaign began selling a t-shirt that proclaimed, “College for All, Medicare for All, Jobs for All, Justice for All.” That led Washington Examiner columnist Paul Bedard (@SecretsBedard) to discover his inner philosopher. Bedard tweeted, “Everything’s free except the t-shirt,” thereby demonstrating the absurdity of socialism in just five words.

The Irish claimed that Sean’s Bar, in the town of Athlone, is the world’s oldest bar because alcohol has been on sale to the public at that site for 1,100 years. The Egyptians, who invented beer in about 5,000 BC, disputed the claim.

As the month ended, Queens Borough Prez Melinda Katz — who is running for district attorney in that part of Noo Yawk City — held a fundraiser at the Barosa Italian Restaurant in Rego Park. That raised some eyebrows among the cognoscenti because the Barosa joint is reportedly owned by a member of the Genovese crime family. The other four New York area crime families demanded that Katz hold fundraisers in their favorite joints in Manhattan, the Bronx, Yonkers, and Staten Island.

April

Attempting to make an April Fools’ Day joke, Harris County (Texas) civil court judge Bill McLeod announced that he was running for a seat on the Texas Supreme Court. McLeod didn’t realize that by announcing that candidacy, he automatically resigned from his current judgeship. He awoke on April 2 unemployed. The Associated Press reported that at a campaign rally fourth-generation Irish-American Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke “…spoke at length in his native Spanish.”

Cutie-Cortez blamed the immigration crisis on the “one factor” causing people to emigrate: climate change.

Five rhinoceros poachers entering a game park in South Africa wondered why there were no game wardens in sight. They discovered the reason when one was trampled to death by an elephant and then eaten by a lion. In an equally valuable performance, Baltimore Orioles alleged “slugger” Chris Davis set a major league record by going 0 for 54 at-bats.

Former pizza magnate Herman Cain’s nomination to the Federal Reserve Board was withdrawn when it was discovered he had encouraged people to put pineapple on pizza. When a devastating fire almost destroyed the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, Cutie-Cortez said it was “caused by global warming, duh.”

May

The fun derived from the emanations of Cutie-Cortez’s brain was subjected to real competition by Joe Biden’s entry into the Dem presidential race. Old Joe said that former British Prime Minister Thatcher had called him to complain about Trump. How Lady Thatcher, who died in 2013, could call Ol’ Joe wasn’t explained.

The Royal Bank of Australia discovered that it misspelled the word “responsibility” on 46 million fifty-dollar bills it had printed. Cutie-Cortez advocated a “public” substitute for private banks. She said the Postal Service could be the host agency for a government-run non-profit banking system. What could possibly go wrong with that?

European Union Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker complained that Europeans have lost their collective libido for each other. Mr. Juncker’s remarks clearly didn’t address the EU’s feverish desire to screw the Brits on Brexit.

Navy Command Master Chief Jonas Carter was forced into early retirement after he ordered his sailors to “clap like we’re at a strip club” when Vice President Pence spoke to them. I always thought that speaking in terms your audience can understand was essential to communication.

Reprising its anti-male ad of January, Gillette ran an ad which featured a man teaching his trans-gender “son” — i.e., his daughter — how to “shave” his/her/its face. Gillette announced an $8 billion loss in revenue for the first months of the year.

June

The Australian government paid Al Gore $320k to conduct climate change training classes for bureaucrats. The first session was conducted during a snowstorm. NASA announced that the International Space Station (the biggest-ever boondoggle) was being converted to a motel. It’s now available to space tourists at $35,000 per night, and a ticket to get there and back isn’t included.

The city of Barcelona, Spain, set a record for bureaucratic efficiency by approving a building permit for an unfinished church designed by architect Antoni Gaudí. The permit had been applied for 137 years ago.

Launching his new Twitter account, O.J. Simpson announced that he had a “little getting even” to do. His followers, mostly police detectives, greatly outnumbered the 62 private citizens he was following. Of the latter, 58 purchased firearms and four left town leaving no forwarding address.

July

The “Patrouille Suisse” — the Swiss supposed equivalent of the USAF Thunderbirds and USN Blue Angels flight demonstration teams — was supposed to perform near Langenbruck to honor a long-dead Swiss aviation pioneer. Because Swiss military aircraft lack basic modern navigation equipment such as GPS systems, they flew by map and ended up performing over a yodeling contest about five miles away.

Mr. Matty Roberts, a pudgy twentysomething who probably lives in his mother’s basement, came up with the idea for a “Storm Area 51 they can’t stop us all” event, which went viral on Facebook and attracted over a million followers. Referring to a method of running favored by some cartoon characters, Roberts said, “If we Naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets.” The Air Force reportedly offered to hold classes in “Naruto running” for civilians but the offer was canceled after too few people signed up.

In England, Messrs. Gatis Lagzdins and Deonisy Khlebnikov showed up at the Soho Vegan Market eating a raw squirrel. They claimed to have been demonstrating against the unhealthy effects of vegan diets.

Meanwhile, the city of Berserkely, California, decided to ban the use of the words “manhole” and “manpower,” replacing them with “maintenance hole” and “human effort.” Unsatisfied with that, the city decided to ban the use of natural gas and force people to build all-electric homes and commercial buildings. Someone needs to explain to the Berserkelyites how electricity is generated.

August

Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro, under fire for deforestation of the Amazon, suggested that people eat less and poop only every other day to save the environment.

Upon the suicide (?) death of Jeffrey Epstein, noted pedophile and pervert, it was reported that his New York mansion contained a portrait of Bill Clinton. Clinton, who had been Epstein’s guest on many occasions, in which he was wearing a blue dress (like the one famously worn by Monica Lewinsky) and red high heels.

Insulted that Berserkely, California was more politically correct than it was, San Francisco caught up by requiring that released felons would henceforth be referred to as “justice system involved individuals.”

The bureaucrats of the New Hampshire Department of Motor Vehicles threatened Wendy Auger, the mother of a gaggle of kids, with the loss of her vanity license plate which reads “PB4WEGO,” because it referred to “sexual or excretory acts or functions.” The mom was able to keep her license plate after Gov. Chris Sununu told the DMV to p*** off.

President Trump’s offer to buy Greenland from Denmark was rejected despite his proffer to build two Air Force bases, five Trump hotels, and three thousand condos on the island.

September

A private Catholic school in Nashville banned all “Harry Potter” books from its library on the advice of an exorcist. Its pastor, Rev. Dan Reehil, wrote, “The curses and spells used in the books are actual curses and spells; which when read by a human being risk conjuring evil spirits into the presence of the person reading the text.” The sale of “Harry Potter” books soared.

Only a couple of days after Bernie Sanders suggested that the way to fight “climate change” was to limit the population and abort more babies, Swedish “behavioral scientist” Magnus Söderlund raised the stakes (steaks?). Söderlund made the modest proposal that the world should accept cannibalism as the means to save the climate. He will reportedly be writing a new cookbook, the working title of which is “To Serve Man.” We do not know if Söderlund is a descendant of Jonathan Swift.

Democrats — all of whom condemn meat consumption because cow farts produce methane — held their annual Iowa steak fry at which 10,500 steaks were cooked to feed hungry liberals. In a related event, House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) took a break from trying to impeach President Trump long enough to remark that “climate change” and acidification of the oceans — all man-made, of course — will wipe out humanity and leave earth with “bacteria and a few plants.”

The California wildfire season began, causing the excruciatingly politically-correct state to become — for at least the third year in a row — one of the world’s worst polluters.

The U.S. Navy, having released three previously classified videos of UFOs, confirmed that the videos were real but that the Navy had no idea what the “aircraft” were. After that report aired, four USAF pilots were observed giving each other “high fives” while entering a top-secret hangar in Area 51.

A police officer in Fremont, California, was forced to end a high-speed chase of a suspect when the battery of his Tesla electric patrol car ran out of charge.

After a deep-state rat made a complaint against Trump based on a call he’d made to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, House Speaker Pelosi agreed that Rep. Adam Schiffty should hold impeachment hearings to see if the libs could finally topple Trump. Your humble columnist immediately labeled the proceeding a “Seinfeld impeachment” because, like the self-mocking gag on the Seinfeld show, the impeachment is about nothing.

October

British Professor Susan Clayton published a study that claims, “…the ability to process information and make decisions without being disabled by extreme emotional responses is threatened by climate change.” In other words, the snowflakes are so scared of climate change they can’t make up their minds on what’s for dinner.

Speaking at a British literary conference, prominent Brit surgeon Dr. Stephen Westaby claimed that psychopaths make the best doctors. Speaking of his own appetite for taking risks with patients’ lives, Westaby said, “I have to say that to do two new operations and film them, you need to be a psychopath.”

Hanoi Jane Fonda declared herself to be a climate scientist. In a related report, two female NASA astronauts, orbiting in the International Space Station, conducted the first all-girl spacewalk. Awww. Wasn’t that cute?

The Navy’s E-6 “Sentry,” called the deadliest plane you’ve never heard of, is supposed to survive a nuclear attack and enable global communications thereafter. It was forced down when a bird was sucked into one engine.

As the month ended, Russian scientists got an unexpected bill. They had attached tracking devices on eagles to see where they migrated. The birds went all the way to Pakistan and ran up huge roaming charges on their GPS devices.

November

Fresh from his failed bid for the Dems’ presidential nomination, Noo Yawk’s super-genius mayor, Wile E. de Blasio, came up with a great idea. The city now has a cashless bail system that enables the vast majority of accused criminals to be set free pending trial without posting bail. De Blasio announced that, as an incentive to show up for their trials, criminals would receive tickets to Mets ball games, movie passes, and store gift cards.

San Francisco has, for several years, tolerated the production of human feces on public streets. The city’s newly-elected District Attorney, Chesa Boudin, proclaimed that his office would no longer prosecute prostitution or public urination. The city council is considering whether to save money by closing all public bathrooms.

In a related report, San Francisco dogs began carrying plastic bags to pick up people poop.

Bernie Sanders won the endorsement of Cutie-Cortez in the race for the Dem presidential nomination. Meanwhile, some Dems began to wonder if anyone was paying attention to their primary campaign while the impeachment circus goes on.

Little Mikey Bloomberg began his campaign for the Dem presidential nomination by apologizing for the police tactic of “stop and frisk” employed while he was New York’s mayor. The tactic was declared constitutional by the Supreme Court and led to significantly safer streets. No wonder he apologized.

While being interviewed by Chris Matthews, Rep. Eric Swalwell broke wind quite loudly in the middle of an impassioned defense of the Dems’ impeachment proceedings. The video of the incident gained vastly more attention than Adam Schiffty’s impeachment hearings.

December

Ol’ Joe Biden, apparently overcome with an appetite for fingernail polish, was seen nibbling on his wife’s fingers while she introduced him at an Iowa event. At that event, he launched his “No Malarkey” campaign tour bus, causing the few twenty-somethings around his campaign to Google the definition of “malarkey.” A few days later Joe called for a ban on “military-style weapons” such as “pistols with 9mm bullets,” which he likened to machine guns and bazookas.

Romanian émigré Andrei Serban resigned from his Columbia University professorship because the university is “on its way toward full blown communism.” He will find himself equally out of place at any other Ivy League college.

Italian artist Maurizio Cattelan created a work entitled “The Comedian,” which promptly sold for $120,000. It consisted of a banana duct taped to a wall. The banana was eaten by a hungry art lover a few days later, apparently diminishing the value of the work.

There’s much to look forward to in 2020. Space entrepreneur Elon Musk said his March flight to the International Space Station would carry marijuana plants to the ISS for experimentation on their growth, and to produce leaves astronauts will smoke. The ISS astronauts should take advantage of Musk’s “research.” It could be the most useful thing ever done on the ISS.

And, so, off to a few drams of fine single malt and a superb Paul Garmirian cigar. Tomorrow brings another day and another year of political insanity, impeachments, and similar comedies. Happy New Year and good luck to us all. We’re going to need it.

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