Some of the “The Eternal Verities,” things everyone seems to know seem do not change from one year to the next; others, like life itself, are subject to updates. Here are some of both:
- When you look at “Frequently Asked Questions” on a website, the question you have will not be there.
- When there is more than one line for anything (e.g., bank, post office, heavy traffic, toll booths), the one you pick will always be the slowest.
- If there were four wire coat hangers in your closet when you turned out the light, tomorrow morning there will be six or eight.
- Many women put toilet seat covers down; many men leave them up. Consider this: If God intended us to leave them up, would he have let us invent them?
- The people who sneak into your house late at night to turn the lampshades around so the seams show, also go to your dish of paper clips and link them up in pairs.
- When someone says, “It’s not the money, it’s the principle,” you may be sure it’s the money;
- The public figure who responds to an interview or audience question with “That’s a good question” means he or she wishes it hadn’t been asked.
- When rain is predicted and you carry an umbrella, it won’t rain; when you don’t take it, it will rain.
- When you restart your computer after it crashes without warning, you will get a notice on the screen scolding you for failing to turn it off properly.
- When beleaguered politicians or public appointees resign under pressure, giving as their reason a desire to spend more time with their families, that is not the reason.
- Telephonic Customer Service operators are “always busy assisting other customers” when you call; however, “your call” is always “important to us.”
- When a politician says, “It’s not a matter of politics, it’s a matter of conscience” — it’s a matter of politics.
- When it is time to retrieve the paper you put away “in a safe place,” you will not be able to find it.
- Shoelaces always break and staplers go empty at the wrong moment.
- Newspaper notices of increases in subscription rates always appear in the last paragraph of a two-page letter. The rest of the letter reminds you of the many wonders arising from your subscription.
- Meter maids have ticket-writing quotas they must meet, by the day, week or month.
