We all know that our government is taking the hacks on Sony Entertainment very seriously. We know this because President Obama held a Very Serious Press Conference on Friday, where he only called on Very Serious Reporters, who asked Very Serious Questions about his Very Serious Response to a corporate hacking.
According to President Obama, Sony tried to go it alone, found they were incapable of handling such an attack on their technology and now he’ll be stepping in to handle their problems. Sony, on the other hand, quickly noted that they had asked the White House for help with the hack some time ago, and despite their regular contributions to Barack Obama’s campaign coffers, no one picked up the phone in the Oval Office. But they’re happy to have the help now, they guess.
Fortunately for everyone, however, North Korea has announced that it has definitely found the source of the hacks and it is not North Korea. It’s not that they don’t appreciate the work the hackers did, its just that they’re focused on taking down the American imperialists and they don’t have time for dumb stuff like Hollywood emails because they’re actually trying to blow up the Whtie House. Or something.
North Korea has threatened more attacks against the U.S. government and other American institutions in the wake of the hack on Sony which cancelled the release of The Interview.
The government – which was outraged by the film showing the assassination of leader Kim Jong Un – also claimed to have ‘clear evidence’ that the U.S. government engineered the project as a ‘propaganda’ attack against North Korea.
In a ranting post published by the state news agency KCNA, Korean authorities hit back in an escalating war of words in which they say they will ‘blow up’ the White House – while bizarrely continuing to deny they have anything to do with the cyber attacks on Sony…
‘Our target is all the citadels of the U.S. imperialists who earned the bitterest grudge of all Koreans.
‘The army and people of the DPRK are fully ready to stand in confrontation with the U.S. in all war spaces including cyber warfare space to blow up those citadels.
This is where it kind of becomes clear that North Korea itself probably doesn’t actually know who hacked Sony Pictures Studio. No, I’m not referring to the asinine idea that the US government engineered the hacks to portray North Korea in a bad light; no one actually needs complex technological disasters to accomplish that. I’m referring to the fact that, if North Korea had any connection at all to said complex technological disaster, they’d be lording it over a major Western nation, but instead, they’re still talking about doing ridiculous things like blowing up the White House, as if this were all the plot to a summer blockbuster starring Will Smith. Its not “we’ll spill the secrets of every corporation housed within your borders!” Its, “we’re still basically a parody of a 1970s Bond villain!”
Plus, if North Korea had engineered the attacks, they might have waited to release anything until today, when their human rights record actually goes before the United Nations. Although, even a parody of a 1970s Bond villain probably wouldn’t fear that, either.