Folding the Deck Chair | The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Folding the Deck Chair
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The deck chair’s purpose is that one be able to enjoy the beach without coming into direct contact with any of the sand. This can also be achieved with a paraglider, but it would be much more complicated for me to explain how to fold one of those.

CATCH A FINGER

Summer is a time when fingers are especially prone to being lost. The vast majority of them are lost by bathers from shark bites, or from folding the deck chair correctly. Those who get their fingers caught in the deck chair tend to think that they have done something wrong and should perhaps have read the instructions first. However, it is quite the contrary. They have done it right. Had they not caught a finger, the deck chair would not be folded closed now.

The best way to catch a finger is to do it carefully. If you do it roughly you could lose it. Every year, hundreds of single fingers appear on beaches where people have folded up their deck chair too quickly and ran away. They usually notice the amputation hours later, when they go to send a message on their cell phone and see that half of the letters they have typed are missing.

To keep your finger, it’s a delicate balance between keeping your finger between the folded parts of the chair and forcing the chair closed as much as possible. If you don’t feel enough pain, you have not closed the chair enough, it will not fit in the car. So you have to do your best to compress the finger as much as you can.

SHAKE THE DECK CHAIR

Before leaving the beach, it is important to shake everything off, to avoid taking the sand home with us. My experience is that, whatever you do, towards the end of the summer you will be able to bathe and make sand castles in the hallway at home. Nevertheless, we will do our utmost to avoid it.

To shake a deck chair off, some of us use the tapping technique. Backrest against seat and vice versa. The sound emitted by this operation is similar to that of the blackbird in mating season: clap, clap, clap. So, before starting, just make sure that there are no blackbirds on the coast, or you could be in for a shock.

COLOR CHOICE

When choosing the color of your deck chair, especially if it has fabric, it is important to first give a little consideration to the things that attract insects. If your hammock looks like a flower garden, it will be full of insects all day long trying to suck its pollen. And feeling cheated quite rightly, they will bite you. Another option is to buy one with a pattern of marine motifs. I haven’t ever heard of sunbathers having sharks jump into the hammock.

HAMMOCKS

Etymologically and historically, the hammock comes from the Indians, although I can’t remember which ones, and it is a kind of cloth hung between two trees. These hammocks were replaced by deck chairs and loungers, but in recent times, together with the invasion of vintage, they have become fashionable again. Anyone who has spent a fortune on one of these hanging hammocks will tell you that there is nothing more comfortable in the world, but they do so only to justify their stupid purchase. The truth is that not only are they not comfortable, they are downright dangerous. Six out of six hammock users don’t know how to get out of a hammock. Five out of five have to high jump into it, which is extremely dangerous at our age, whatever our age. And three out of three hammock users end up on the floor for unknown reasons.

If you still want to use hammocks on the beach, you will have to ask two beach goers to act as trees in order for you to be able to tie it to something. Because the main flaw of these hammocks is that, unlike some rugs, they do not float in the air.

RENT A DECK CHAIR

If you have some money and you don’t mind being surrounded by people, you can always rent a deck chair. This way you avoid having to carry it. But when you do, be aware, because in many places in Italy, for example, it is cheaper to rent a gold-plated catamaran, and it is more fun, especially if it comes with a sheikh and his harem.

THE BAGGAGE

A deck chair that fits in the trunk of a car doesn’t exist. So you’ll have to walk around the car, push all your junk to the back of the trunk, and maneuver the deck chair around in circles inside, with a frown on your face, as if you know what you’re doing. Finally, slam the trunk with all your might. Which, by the way, is another very effective way of getting your finger caught without needing to fold the deck chair.

Itxu Díaz
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Itxu Díaz is a Spanish journalist, political satirist, and author. He has written nine books on topics as diverse as politics, music, and smart appliances. He is a contributor to The Daily Beast, The Daily Caller, National Review, American Conservative, and Diario Las Américas in the United States, as well as a columnist at several Spanish magazines and newspapers. He was also an adviser to the Ministry for Education, Culture, and Sports in Spain.
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