Any entertainment to be had during the virtual Democratic convention was courtesy of Minesweeper. Following it online has its advantages. It reminded me a bit of those modern pizzas that one might suspect were designed by the Islamic State, and that to distract from the tastelessness of the ham are drowned in pineapple, liquid caramel, and other similar weapons of mass destruction that should never have ended up on any pizza. It felt like a puzzle in which the pieces do not fit. A gathering of clueless individuals with no idea what they’re actually doing there, wishing they could get off their computer screen as soon as possible to engage in more entertaining endeavors, like watching rain fall, rinsing out masks, or counting their toes. After all, it’s not even clear that Joe Biden was officially nominated. I must admit that I fell asleep in the middle of the convention, but I think that the one they finally chose was Trump; everybody was talking about him, while nobody opened their mouths to talk about this Biden fella. It was all so plural, so diverse, so inclusive, and so feminist, that even Jesuit James Martin was praying. I can only guess he was atoning for Kamala’s sins.
One of the most disturbing moments was the appearance of Hillary Clinton, who spoke with eyes like Saturn’s rings, in a kind of rigor mortis, and without blinking.
Michelle Obama kicked off the convention, and that was a smart idea, because from there on things could only get better. The spotlight then shifted to her husband, Barack Obama, who said that Trump has never taken the job seriously. What he doesn’t know is that during his administration we were all begging him not to take it so seriously. Moving on, he voiced a passionate defense of the BLM demonstrations, claiming that Trump had launched security forces against peaceful protesters. The next step will be to claim that Trump has installed carnivorous mailboxes, to eat Democratic voters whenever they get too close. Well, when you start your speech accusing Trump of the death of 170,000 Americans and no one so much as stirs in their seat, you’ve become something of a cult leader, and whatever nonsense you spout out will be welcomed. Obama is a textbook case. He could eat a child alive in front of the entire Democratic audience, and still receive a long, loud standing ovation.
Joe Biden was a hologram. I’m sure I could have put my hands right through him. Or maybe he was a lifesize plastic doll. I reckon the real Biden was in his bedroom, taking a nap, while his people put on this sort of surprise party in his honor, so he could be applauded virtually by rather tiny, rather random people on a screen. The fake Biden just smiled and nodded, playing his part extremely convincingly.
The left-wing press claims that, after this convention, Trump might as well just give up, like on all the previous occasions. They also say that Kamala is an extraordinary woman because her mother was from India and her father from Jamaica. And that she wants a more inclusive country, for which her first idea will be to exclude the unborn.
One of the most disturbing moments was the appearance of Hillary Clinton, who spoke with eyes like Saturn’s rings, in a kind of rigor mortis, and without blinking. If you like Lovecraftian emotions, try watching her speech with the volume off and the soundtrack to Psycho on in the background. I suspect that Hillary had already seen the latest pictures of Bill and was, at that moment, looking forward to bombing Iraq again or killing Gaddafi to get rid of some adrenaline. I’m not surprised. I recommend signing up for Dr. Nancy Pelosi’s anti-stress course, How to Relax with Origami.
In the area of pure politics, the Democrats found the solution for the economy, the containment of the pandemic, the fight against unemployment, and the eradication of poverty: arms control. That would sound better if the coronavirus or unemployment had a Kalashnikov under its arm and could be defeated by disarming it. Reality is the spanner in the works of the Left.
Every self-respecting Democratic convention requires someone to cry. Otherwise, it’s a failure. Like a funeral where everyone’s happy. Luckily, when the attendees were already starting to get nervous about the late tears, the immigration issue came to the rescue, and the Democrats got their dose of sentimentality from a Latino version of Greta Thunberg. This is how they introduced the girl on Twitter: “Stop what you’re doing and watch this.” But “Stop what you’re doing, grab a pack of Kleenex, and watch this” would have been more appropriate. Apparently, using children is not exclusive to Netflix.
When Elizabeth Warren intervened from a preschool classroom, everyone was silent, as if waiting for the teacher to walk into the frame and scold her for speaking in class. Warren, meanwhile, had time to say something about social rights that sounded as novel, groundbreaking, and suggestive as a Walkman. Her speech was widely commented on among her Cherokee family.
Intellectually, the highlight was a speech by Billie Eilish, who beforehand had accidentally dunked half her head in guacamole sauce. She addressed her message to the young people, and I am convinced that they all followed her with great attention, thinking that she was recording a TikTok, waiting for the little dance to begin so they could try to imitate her. The appearance of Eva Longoria was also amusing. The millionaire who in her 500th marriage has remarried another millionaire delivered a message entitled, “We, the people.” Thank God someone convinced her not to title her speech, “We, the Working Class.” Or directly, “We, the Outcasts of the Earth.” However, she is absolutely right when she says that democracy must be “saved.” It is true. It must be saved from the hands of Kamala and the communist millionaires of Hollywood.
But the real surprise at the convention was John Kerry, who has fought fiercely to make America look bad since the 1970s. What no one suspected was that he would now attempt to blow up the Democratic nomination from the inside with this very serious accusation: “Joe’s moral compass has always pointed in the right direction.” If talking about Biden’s compass can already give rise to dangerous misunderstandings, setting it as a moral example is an irony too evil even for Kerry. And as a professional satirist, I demand that Kerry stop this intrusion for once and for all, or I will improvise a recipe to start making my own ketchup.
Itxu Díaz is a Spanish journalist, political satirist and author. He has written nine books on topics as diverse as politics, music, and smart appliances. He is a contributor to the Daily Beast, the Daily Caller, National Review, the American Conservative, The American Spectator, and Diario Las Américas in the United States, and is a columnist for several Spanish magazines and newspapers. He was also an adviser to the Ministry for Education, Culture, and Sports in Spain. Follow him on Twitter at @itxudiaz or visit his website www.itxudiaz.com.
Translated by Joel Dalmau
Illustration by Iñigo Navarro Dávila