War in the Middle East, surging inflation, the Republican Speaker of the House clinging to a one-vote majority, a presidential election campaign stumbling toward what is certain to be a photo-finish conclusion, with one candidate doddering in senility and the other being hounded in courtrooms by witch-hunt persecutors — these are but a few of the many crises facing the United States in the Year of Our Lord 2024. The list could be almost infinitely extended, but we ought to at least mention rampant crime, an unprecedented influx of illegal aliens, and fentanyl overdoses soaring to catastrophic levels. Amid all these woes and worries, however, it would be negligent to overlook the two most important issues in America, Sydney Sweeney.
She may or may not be on our side, but at least she’s not publicly against us.
In case you don’t recognize the name, Miss Sweeney is a 26-year-old actress who gained prominence for her part in the HBO series Euphoria, and speaking of prominent parts … OK, I apologize. These double-entendres just write themselves sometimes. (READ MORE from Robert Stacy McCain: America’s ‘Social Justice’ Nightmares Have Only Intensified)
Over the past couple of years, Miss Sweeney’s ample cleavage has made her a popular object of male admiration — a digital pin-up girl, so to speak, with lusty fellows posting photos and video clips of the actress to such sites as Reddit. Yet no one seemed to find any political or cultural significance to the blonde bombshell’s popularity until a few weeks ago, when she appeared as guest hostess of the March 3 episode of NBC’s Saturday Night Live, and suddenly became a topic of punditry. Let’s not kid ourselves about why a horde of commentators have decided to treat Miss Sweeney as a subject of alleged “controversy.” It’s automatic clickbait, since any column about her can be illustrated with a cleavage-baring photo, and will attract Internet traffic which is, after all, what online media outlets are all about.
Last week, after yet another Serious Intellectual had embarrassed themselves by attempting a pseudo-profound commentary about America’s Sydney Sweeney crisis, I did a quick search of our website and was shocked to discover that no one at The American Spectator had yet weighed in on this seething controversy. So I called up our publisher Melissa Mackenzie and she instantly agreed that no other living journalist was more qualified than I to address the subject. Melissa promised to intervene on my behalf with our young editors, many of whom are devout Christians averse to lighthearted discussion of … sins of the flesh, perhaps we might say. Far be it from me, of course, to endorse or advocate lust, any more than I would endorse greed, sloth, gluttony or any other of the Seven Deadly Sins. Yet even the faithful ought to be able to acknowledge the reality of human nature, however sinful it may be, and certainly there is nothing so natural as the widespread male admiration of those attributes with which Sydney Sweeney has been so generously endowed.
Studying the commentary about Miss Sweeney, I’ve noticed that many reputable outlets have used vulgar slang terms in reference to her pectoral region. The American Spectator is and always has been a family-friendly publication, and so we will omit such terms, replacing them instead with appropriate synonyms, so as to avoid endless repetition of “[breasts].” Because why else would a journalist’s purchase of a thesaurus be considered a tax-deductible business expense?
“Why Sydney Sweeney and her double-D breasts are being hailed as proof that woke culture is dead,” was the headline on a Daily Mail article earlier this month in which Peter Sheridan declared: “The all-American blue-eyed blonde with corn-fed curves has become a cultural phenomenon, her unashamed sexuality embraced by America’s conservative Right as proof that woke culture is dying, if not already dead.” As a professional journalist, I must question the accuracy of this assertion, which falls into the same category as claims that right-wingers have some kind of problem with the Taylor Swift-Jason Kelce romance. Speaking as an authentic right-winger (being hate-listed by the SPLC, my credentials are impeccable), I never had any part in opposing Swift’s relationship with the Kansas City Chiefs tight end, which I expect to end — as do all of Taylor’s relationships — with her writing an album’s worth of songs about her ex. Returning to the topic of Miss Sweeney, however, was the Daily Mail correct in describing her breasts as “double-D”?
The first three rules of journalism, I was taught, are accuracy, accuracy and accuracy, and the topic of Sydney Sweeney’s bra size required me to engage in hours of careful research. Certainly she’s a generous D-cup, but double-D? Nope. While the actress herself has not disclosed this proprietary information, I’d say the Daily Mail owes its readership a correction. As for what we at The American Spectator owe our readership, it’s an answer to the question foremost in your mind: “Are they real?”
Yes! Yes! Yes! Trust me on this because my conclusion is derived, as I say, from many hours of research. Miss Sweeney’s role in Euphoria has required her to perform topless on occasion in scenes that have been preserved as photos and video GIFs posted online by her admirers, and a careful examination reveals that her gelatinous orbs — getting my money’s worth out of that thesaurus — are entirely organic. No surgical enhancement, just a wondrous product of DNA. In fact, these natural gifts were a source of embarrassment to the teenage Sydney, who at one point wished to get breast-reduction surgery, and the world owes a debt of gratitude to Miss Sweeney’s mother for talking her out of this folly.
The eruption of commentary about Miss Sweeney (and her spectacular rack) has included, among other things, these recent remarks by veteran producer Carol Baum, who is also an adjunct professor at the University of Southern California:
There’s an actress who everybody loves now: Sydney Sweeney. I don’t get Sydney Sweeney. I was watching on the plane Sydney Sweeney’s movie [Anyone but You] because I wanted to watch it. I wanted to know who she is and why everybody’s talking about her. I watched this unwatchable movie — sorry to people who love this … romantic comedy where they hate each other.…
I said to my class, ‘Explain this girl to me. She’s not pretty, she can’t act. Why is she so hot?’ Nobody had an answer. But then the question was asked, ‘Well, if you could get your movie made because she was in it, would you do it?’ … That’s a very hard question to answer because we all want to get the movie made and who walks away from a green light? Nobody I know. Your job is to get the movie made.”
This sparked angry reactions from some of my friends who are both (a) conservatives and, more to the point, (b) heterosexual men. It is not politics that explains the box-office appeal of Sydney Sweeney’s pendulous mammaries (remember, my thesaurus is tax-deductible), but rather the normal attitude of normal men on this subject — ceteris paribus, the bigger the better.
“She’s not pretty”? Are you kidding me, ma’am? Grant that Miss Sweeney does not match the immortal zenith of Hollywood beauty, the late Grace Kelly, but no one ever has or ever will. As to the explanation Professor Baum demanded from her class — “Why is she so hot?” — the answer is obvious enough, and regarding her claim that the romantic comedy Anyone But You is “unwatchable,” the refutation is in the film’s worldwide box office revenue of over $200 million.
Here, you see, the right-wing angle becomes apparent. Conservatives prefer capitalism to socialism; we are not offended by the simple proposition that business should be about making profit. This applies to the movie business, and if conservatives have often lamented the content of Hollywood’s output, we don’t object to the basic idea of making movies that sell tickets. (READ MORE: American Journalism Is Decadent and Depraved)
The film industry’s problem in recent years is quite the opposite: Hollywood has become so hypnotized by “diversity” and other left-wing superstitions that they’ve been cranking out garbage that most people won’t pay to watch. Disney has been the worst offender at this, ruining their core business in pursuit of “progressive” messaging and quota-driven personnel decisions. The movie that Carol Baum called “unwatchable,” with the actress that she says “can’t act,” was a huge success in terms of profit, because it turns out that people will pay money to see a romantic comedy (with a plot loosely based on Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing), if it stars a buxom young blonde. You don’t need a film degree from USC to understand this. Hollywood used to make movies like that all the time, for the obvious reason that such products sell tickets.
Sydney Sweeney is not at all ashamed of succeeding on the basis of her sex appeal. She jokes about it in interviews and on social media. Her good-natured sense of humor on the subject reminds me of Mae West, who made a career of not-so-subtle innuendo. For that matter, Miss Sweeney’s irresistible bombshell act recalls Jayne Mansfield in The Girl Can’t Help It. There is something old-fashioned about Miss Sweeney quite generally. She spent her childhood in rural Idaho before moving to Spokane, Washington, and then relocating to Los Angeles to pursue her show-business dreams. Insofar as conservatives favor old-fashioned things — we are all like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, “Tradition!” — then we certainly must appreciate the kind of small-town values Miss Sweeney represents, even if those values aren’t always expressed in the parts she plays.
Is she really part of a vast right-wing conspiracy to destroy “woke” culture? The best evidence in support of such a claim is Miss Sweeney’s general silence on political issues. We haven’t heard her mouthing off about “climate change,” nor have we seen her engaging in anti-Israel protests. In an era when outspoken left-wing activism is pervasive among show-biz people, her silence speaks volumes. A few months ago, in an interview with Glamour magazine, Miss Sweeney said: “I definitely keep my social media focused towards the work that I’m doing and sprinkle in a little bit of myself in there.… I didn’t go to school to learn politics or social [issues], so I don’t think speaking on things that I’m not fully educated on is the correct way to use my social media presence.”
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse, if you get my drift. A shrewd businesswoman who doesn’t want to offend half her potential audience, Miss Sweeney may be sincere in her self-deprecating remarks about being less than “fully educated” on issues. On the other hand, she might be a secret MAGA fanatic who’s got Steve Bannon’s number on her smartphone speed-dial. Either way, her stance of staying out of political controversies is one that conservatives should applaud. She may or may not be on our side, but at least she’s not publicly against us. (READ MORE: Staying Sane in the Era of Rainbow Flag Totalitarianism)
Some pundits want Americans to be divided over the issue of Sydney Sweeney, but I contend we should instead be united — a pro-cleavage consensus, so to speak. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to do some more research, because that’s what professional journalists do, even when we’re just writing clickbait to be illustrated with photos of abundant decolletage (a fancy French word I found in my tax-deductible thesaurus). Work, work, work …
