With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan.
(With Donald Trump performing as Ko-Ko, the Lord High Executioner, with his little list of people who never will be missed.)
As next year it must happen that some losers must emerge
— I’ve got a little list. I’ve got a little list.
Of Republican contenders most deserving of a purge,
— And who never would be missed — they never would be missed!
There’s the presidential second son — whose energy is low.
The guv who thinks Dad’s mailman gig delivers Ohio.
That small dude from Kentucky, who shouldn’t be onstage.
And the whelp who knows what “triad” means — just put him in a cage.
And the former neurosurgeon, an avowed twin separatist.
— A weak knife pugilist — that loser won’t be missed!
There’s the Cuban evangelical, who isn’t natural-born.
— A strict constructionist — I’ve got him on the list.
Let him laugh and call me Donald; I’ll reply with boyish scorn.
— He never will be missed. He never will be missed.
And the Jersey guy, who likes to boast that he alone’s the guy
And who can prosecute Clinton, or at least he’d like to try.
And that singular anomaly, the tech-world feminist.
— I don’t think she’ll be missed. I’m sure she’d not be missed.
And that undercard debate, the 1 percenters’ fare.
— With the Senate humorist — I’ve got him on my list.
The moderators’ thankless task, to look as if they care.
— And the opinion columnist — she never would be missed.
And my rivals in the Hawkeye State, they haven’t got a clue.
I’ll tell them that “you’re fired.” Oh, and you’re a “loser,” too.
The Democrats in Washington are even worse, I know.
For everyone who isn’t me will simply have to go.
And it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,
— For they’ll none of them be missed — they’ll none of them be missed!
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