Create Your Own Rachel-Free Zone - The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Create Your Own Rachel-Free Zone

“It doesn’t say much for my social life that I had nothing better to do on a Friday night than watch the Democrat Candidates Forum on MSNBC. Somehow I managed to get through nearly two hours of Rachel Maddow.”

Geez, Aaron, has it come to this? You’re right, your social life clearly does need a jolt. You’re in a frightful slough. On a Friday night, or any other come to that, I’d consider watching Rachel Maddow right after having ten-penny nails driven into my eyeballs. I’d like to help a friend so clearly in need. Please see my list below of things to do that are more entertaining, more edifying, and more morally uplifting than watching Rachel Maddow and the trolls running for president on the D side.

1. Flea-powder the cat.

2. Arrange the ties in your closet by width.

3. Try to remember the lyrics to all the Kingston Trio’s songs.

4. Shave the backs of your hands

5. Read the collected speeches of Gerald Ford. (Do not drive or operate heavy equipment for three hours after doing this.)

6. Yodel

7. Ponder the immensities.

8. Try to find your old Nehru jacket.

9. See if there are rings around the moon.

10. Pick your synchronized-swimming fantasy team.

11. Work on your Bela Lugosi impersonation.

12. Pick your All-Time, All-American, All-Pomposity team. (Hint: Start with Howard Cosell and Eric Sevareid.)

13. Try to find a time on your cable package when neither “Antiques Road Show” nor “Miss Congeniality” are available.

14. Try to find a sensible quote from an Episcopal bishop.

15. Try to remember Brian Lamb’s best jokes. (You might wish to budget two evenings for this one.)

There are other possibilities of course. But start with these few when you feel the urge to tune in Rachel coming on. They are clearly a better use of your time, and they have no side effects. I hope you didn’t have a hang-over this morning.

Just trying to help.

Yer pal,
— Larry

Larry Thornberry
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Larry Thornberry is a writer in Tampa.
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