We usually give them till about High Noon Friday to come out with their hands up. Darn, but wouldn’t you know that again they’ve ignored our tearful pleas for peaceful resolution of our differences. So round up the posse, fellas, and let’s head ’em off before they reach into the hills toward which they’re headed.
Enemy Central’s own Olympic judge, Thomas Spongberg, is ready to buzz the Kremlin with U2’s and B-52s and any missile we have left over from the Clinton age of cowardice. No longer can the U.S. sit idly by while our great friends to the North are treated like Albanian skaters during the age of Enver Hoxha. To protect Canada from further assault, occupation by U.S. special forces may be in order.
In the interests of full disclosure, Enemy Central officially declares it has paid scant attention to this year’s snow games. What do we know about a small faraway distant state like Utah, other than that John Stockton and Karl Malone play there? Perhaps we’d watch the coverage if the Olympics were finally to recognize our favorite competition — snowball throwing. The sport predates even the ancient Greeks, archeologists tell us.
Judge Spongberg issued another complaint: against Philadelphia 76er fans who booed hometown antihero Kobe Bryant during last Sunday’s NBA All-Star game in Liberty Bell City. Some might argue that it’s a natural condition for captives to heap opprobrium on the one who got away. Our own findings, however, suggest that Russian and French fans in the stands made a deal to disrupt proceedings. Just to be on the safe side, we’ve asked the U.N. to send peacekeepers to next year’s all-star game. U.S. special forces may join them, if Canada permits them to leave.
As we head further South, Agent Robert C. Royce, Esq. hauls in Atlanta editorialist extraordinaire Cynthia Tucker for going gaga over Sen. John McCain. Royce liked her more when she was calling for air-drops of pork-based Spam to Muslim Afghan refugees. We ourselves like her most when she is air-dropped into Jim Lehrer’s “NewsHour,” where she always finds a way to inform Margaret Warner of something Ms. Warner appears to be hearing for the first time.
Agent Ann Ellwood, a token female at Enemy Central whose hiring cost several less-qualified male agents their jobs, has brought in a stack of British and European newspapers and magazines to be used as kindling for the Olympic flame. Their spewing against sainted and selfless America is more than civilization should have to bear. Hear, hear. Subpoenas will go out to Messrs. Daschle and Gore, who apparently drew on these periodicals to formulate their attacks on unimpeachable Bush policies.
Tom Daschle‘s case remains something of a mystery, though. It took him a good few weeks before he went public to attack Bush for calling the axis of evil an axis of evil. It’s not clear who’s at fault: the White House, or the Senate majority leader’s own people, for failing to provide Daschle with a readable translation of the president’s State of the Union address.
In the busy world of journalism, Michael Kinsley‘s announcement that he’s retiring as editor of Slate.com elicited many tributes to Kinsley and his many good works. But then Salon.com’s David Talbot came along, and he criticized Kinsley and his Slatesters in these words: “They have not excelled as reporters. I don’t think they’ve broken any stories that I can remember.” But what about the story that Kinsley was retiring? Anyway, last we checked it wasn’t Salon.com that broke it. (Of course our checking was less thorough than it might have been if Salon.com didn’t now charge Enron fees to access its x-minded pages.)
Now thanks to a guest lecturer at Brown University it’s possible that all copies of Shakespeare’s “Julius Caesar” will go the way of this week’s haul of British and European journals. If as the lecturer said our president is Caesar, is the lecturer suggesting that he himself is Brutus? And were those 19 terrorists of September 11 really as “brave” as he said they were? It’s more likely he doesn’t even know the meaning of the word. He owned a team that calls itself “The Braves,” yet every year come playoff time it turns into chickens. By popular acclaim, Ted Turner is this week’s EOW, not for what he said, but because he proved too chicken to stand by own remarks. If Ted Turner is no longer brave, then we know Jane Fonda will have won.
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