A Mighty Wind came calling on Washington and vicinity, leaving no leaf unturned and all the usual blowhards out of ear’s range. But then Richard Cohen came along and found a way to cut through its chilling and deafening roar. “I’ve taken a liking to Jessica Lynch,” he announced on Friday, and suddenly local thoughts turned to blue skies and warm sun and all the frolicking they invite. All credit must go to Larry Flynt, for proving once again he’s a uniter of men and women and not a divider. If not for Larry’s disclosure that he’s got the goods on Ms. Lynch, or what Richard calls “fun pictures,” our Washington Post columnist might never have noticed that a young blonde he concedes “is not exactly my type” just might be.
Sen. John Kerry stayed out of this discussion. He was busy making tough executive decisions of his own, such as firing campaign manager Jim Jordan for backing a guaranteed loser. Then when two Jordan colleagues fired themselves, Kerry bade them a good riddance, on the grounds that these were people he “barely” knew. It might be they were outside agitators on assignment for Howie Dean. To reassure his legions, Kerry also stressed that there was nothing Clintonian about his relationship with the two departing Jordanaires, saying they “are not really involved with me.” Finally, he let on that “my campaign will be better off moving ahead with people who want to be there,” leading to speculation it will be unstoppable once Kerry joins everyone else in abandoning it.
Jean-François could take a page from President-elect Emeritus Al Gore, who interrupted his empty schedule to play opening act to the Mighty Wind over Washington. It was his second speech in three months. Huffing in top debate form, his hair restyled in a look Naomi Wolf, if you pay her enough, would term “wethead,” he lunged at his audience to denounce Big Brother Bush and the USA Patriot Act. He likened the latter to Abe Lincoln’s and FDR’s wartime policies, not to mention the break-in at Daniel Ellsberg’s psychiatrist’s office. Rumor has it he’s contemplating a party switch, as a protest against overwhelming Democratic support for the Patriot Act when it passed two years ago. And you can be sure the backing for it was ever greater than reported, since by definition not every Democratic vote was counted.
In a related development, a man often mistaken for Al’s big brother is one Gore Vidal. He’s actually a distant relative, though less distant now that he’s relocated from an obscure Italian location to the Hollywood Hills, the very same that once attracted Charles Manson, and he’s come out swinging, suggesting or perhaps recommending that Messrs. Bush and Ashcroft be hanged exactly as the Founders would have hung them for violations against the Constitution. Hmm. Has Gore V. pondered what the Founders would have done to him in the wake of his predilections?
A new singing sensation is sweeping the nation ahead of Boy Al and the Mighty Wind. In the second coming of Gordon MacRae, Curly Joe Lieberman has been taped giving a live sampling of standards from Oklahoma! in preparation for that territory’s February 3 primary. “We know we belong to the land,” he begins, adding that that land will be subject to strict regulatory and zoning controls. “And the land we belong to is grand!” he continues, thinking tax rates. “So when we say/Yeeow! Ayipioeeay ” — we hear the most memorable singing debut since Ray Stevens’ pre-terrorist era homage to desert and windstorm, “Ahab, The Arab.” Mr. Ahab was a self-styled sheik of the burning sand who would croon “Yeeow, Ayipioeeay” to his cool camel named Clyde.
Incidentally, equal time and other fairness doctrines make it imperative that Howie Dean be given a part in Curly Joe’s musical. He’s the spitting image of Jud, no? That is Jud Fry, not Wynonna Judd, whom Howie with his ability to have it every which way would soon be calling Winona Ryder, especially after the previous Wynonna’s DIU, which in turn he’d conflate with Winona’s shopping habits.
In an effort to get away from this madness President Bush will spend a few days in jolly old UK next week. Predictions are that he’ll draw a bigger turnout of haters and soccer losers than attended Diana’s funeral. There will be a “Stop Bush” rally on Tuesday in London, and on Wednesday the president will move into Buckingham Palace. Is that a good idea, if Prince Charles is anywhere close by? Have the Dixie Chicks been invited to provide the official welcome? Many questions remain, but not who the real man of the hour is. Doing some advance work of his own, he warns British readers in today’s Guardian that the “unlearned” Bush has betrayed tutor Tony Blair in favor of Ariel Sharon and Elliott Abrams. So who’s this paleoconservative EOW? Why, Sidney Blumenthal, of course.
