BOSTON — I first came across the the Wilton Democrats’ webpage back in September when they assailed my characterization of Democratic New Hampshire Senate hopeful Granny D as a “sideshow” candidate. I wrote these terrible things because Ms. D rode around in a psychedelic bus flying a pirate flag and feeding alligators. Nevertheless, my kind-hearted, tolerant, dissent-loving brethren were so incensed they prominently displayed a letter on their site suggesting I needed “a nap” or, at the very least, to be “shackled back at Pier 57 in New York City.” Violence, the last resort of the intellectually stunted, was openly endorsed against me as well: “The elderly in New Hampshire should rap him about the head with their canes.”
Last time I checked in with the Wilton Democrats, they were posting notes about John Kerry’s surefire victory under giddy headlines such as, “We’re Going to Win!” Bruce Springsteen and John Zogby were all the proof they ever needed. When that somehow didn’t work out — If The Boss isn’t running things, who the hell is? — the group underwent the sort of mystical experience they typically eschew and briefly flirted with a Higher Power-ordained secession from the United States to the new country of California:
“God is going to give us the Pacific Ocean and Hollywood,” one of these seers wrote. “In addition, we’re getting San Diego. (Sorry, that’s just how it goes.) But God is letting you have the KKK and country music (except the Dixie Chicks). Just so we’re clear, the country of California will be pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war.”
Right, right, because John Kerry was pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war. Wait, actually, wasn’t John Kerry the guy who admitted in the first debate that life begins at conception, refused to support gay marriage, and promised to fight on in Iraq and, indeed, hunt down and kill terrorists wherever they may be? I thought so.
ALL OF THIS MAY SOUND bitter and divisive, but the Wilton Democrats have come around and are now planning to celebrate the upcoming inaugural alongside the Red State ruffians. From the group’s “Action” page — also known as, “Things You Can Do to Make a Difference” — here are selections from ““Some Things to Do Before the Inaugural“:
Get that abortion you’ve always wanted.
Admittedly, this is not the most egalitarian way to kick things off, and crude to boot. I wasn’t aware there were people out there, even among the most earnestly pro-choice factions, who “always wanted” an abortion. Will these abortions be done strictly in the name of snubbing George W. Bush, or will there be other mitigating circumstances?
Drink a nice clean glass of water.
Um, all right. Done. What’s next?
Visit Syria, or any foreign country for that matter.
Syria? Syria!? That’s your post-election plan? “Have a glass of water and go to Syria”? As a virulently anti-Semitic state sponsor of terrorism, Syria is not usually a hot vacation destination. I’m not going to drop a dime and ring up John Ashcroft or anything, but I have to say on the face of it, that’s some pretty sketchy stuff. Why not visit someplace less extreme instead, like Libya or Saudi Arabia?
Borrow books from library before they’re banned — Constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of Cancer.
Now, this is appropriate. All the basics of the liberal approach to the law are covered here — sullen adolescence, fantastical conjuring of precedence out of thin air, hardcore sex — not that they have a litmus test or anything.
If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix — do it now.
Right, because another Piss Christ is a sure way to win back these elusive “values voters” everyone keeps talking about.
Stay out late before the curfews start.
How ’bout you all just get jobs, and go to bed with the rest of us.
Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his “accident.”
Well, The Boss is prone to “accidents.” If you need proof, just pick up any of his records from the 1990s.
Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
Is Tyrrell still working on that?
Use the phrase, “you can’t do that this is America.”
Okay, how about, “You can’t take my guns away, this is America!” No, wait, I’ve got another one, “You can’t arbitrarily confiscate people’s wealth, this is America!” Another, “You can’t isolate pro-life protesters into ‘free-speech zones,’ this is America!” Hey, where are you going? I’m just getting warmed up!
If you’re white, marry a black person, if you’re black, marry a white person.
Here’s a novel idea: Why don’t we just marry the person we love? If that’s not possible, can I keep the Jew I just married, or do I have to trade her in for something more politically correct?
Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.
Are you running a booth or something? Besides, I’d like to see a snowmobile or a base-jumper charge toward me in this Hummer.
(I actually don’t have a Hummer, or any car at all, but I thought I’d give our liberal readers a momentary bit of cardiovascular exercise.)
Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
It won’t be very accelerated if everyone enrolls, now will it? And maybe some kids don’t want to be dancers or painters. It’s the sad truth, but not everyone wants to fit into your little romantic dream world. If I have a son who loves math and science, I’m not going to break his heart by forcing him to become a dancer. I know what you’re thinking: You’re too easy on him, Macomber. Hey, look I tried cramming Rent down his throat for sixteen years, and the kid still keeps fiddling with that damn calculator. What am I supposed to do?
Start your school day without a prayer.
Without a prayer of what? Passing? Learning anything useful? Oh, without a prayer to God? You guys won’t that battle a long time ago. You must be cribbing off an old list.
Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
Well, for starters, it hasn’t gone very well. I’m going to need another tax cut if I’m going to come up with the cash to get these wisdom teeth removed. Thanks a lot evolution!
For what? If the French have something to say to me, tell them to learn English. I’m not enough of a sadomasochist to learn the language of a country that has nothing to send my way but whining and carping.
Visit Massachusetts while it is still a state.
I hate it when people do snarky things like this, but…it’s a commonwealth, not a state. Sorry! I guess this means you get to spend an extra week in Syria!