You may have been treated to an email containing a list called, “Things you have to believe to be a Republican,” that’s been wending its way around cyberspace lately. It’s a real hoot, but not for the reasons its unknown authors intended; for it says far more about them than about us. In the interests of compassionate conservatism, I thought I’d give them a hand in reaching a better understanding of their opposition.
To be a Republican you need to believe:
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. No, Jesus loves all of humanity, even those whose disdain of him prompts them to use his name for alleged comical purposes.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a ‘we can’t find Bin Laden’ diversion. No, Saddam Hussein, like Joseph Stalin, was always a bad guy, who was at times, a useful ally. See the next paragraph for what Bill Clinton thought of him when he needed a “blue dress” diversion.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq. Yes, we should; and the resolution authorizing the use of force against Iraq was overwhelmingly passed by the U.S. Congress in October, 2002. Part of it reads, “Whereas the Iraq Liberation Act of 1998 expressed the sense of Congress that it should be the policy of the United States to support efforts to remove from power the current Iraqi regime and promote the emergence of a democratic government to replace that regime…”
A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. A typical liberal non sequitur, but here goes: the last time I checked, drug companies were in the business of making money, and not in the intentional and deliberate taking of innocent human life, which some of us still call murder.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay. It is often said that a lie repeated enough becomes the truth, but not in this case. Maybe our friends on the left feel the best way to improve our troops’ morale is to compare them to Nazis, call them terrorists, insult their generals, judge their mission a failure and organize protests with signs reading, “We support our troops when they shoot their officers.”
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex. If the indoctrination of free-love, “alternate lifestyles,” and sexual promiscuity had been kept out of our schools — where they had no business in the first place — our children wouldn’t need condoms.
Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. While the latter is a matter of faith, not science, the perils of second-hand smoke and the human impact on climate change are indeed theories. Much like that of Charles Darwin, which has been crammed down the throats of American children as science for almost a century. But take heart liberals; someday the “missing link” between global warming, George Bush and every national disaster in the past six years may indeed turn up.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. Listen closely: lying under oath is called perjury, the persecution of which Bill Clinton narrowly avoided by accepting Arkansas and U.S. Supreme Court disbarments and fines. And if George W. Bush was a liar as regards Iraq, his predecessor — who, in direct defiance of the above mentioned Iraq Liberation Act, used military action against Saddam — sounded a lot like him when he sent our troops into harm’s way (emphasis added):
Their mission is to attack Iraq’s nuclear, chemical and biological weapons programs and its military capacity to threaten its neighbors. Their purpose is to protect the national interest of the United States, and indeed the interests of people throughout the Middle East and around the world.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. Let’s try turning this one around, shall we? Being a drug addict is an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s a moral failing and a crime.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet. I know it’s tough to read through an entire eight page document, but amendments to the Constitution actually become part of the Constitution (hint: see Article V).