October passes and the presidency of the Prophet Obama continues on its whirly-whirly course. The Telegraph of London reported that the Prophet’s popularity decline is now the most precipitous for any elected president at this stage in a presidency in 50 years — this despite efforts by a Norwegian gang to halt the deterioration, which at the end of the month had him significantly below 50 percent in the Rasmussen Poll. On October 9 the Norwegian Nobel Institute conferred the Nobel Peace Prize on the American president, making him the first American president to receive the award since Mr. Jimmy Carter, not a precedent the Obamamaniacs welcome. Nor did the award have an irenic effect on Washington. Several hours after the award was announced NASA bombed the Moon! The official explanation was that the bombardment was to raise clouds of dust for experimentation, but one cannot rule out that the Obama administration would rather search for terrorists on the Moon than in Afghanistan. Or possibly members of the Prophet Obama’s National Security Council have confused the Moon with Afghanistan. The terrain does share similarities. Or maybe members of the administration were trying to divert Americans from that idiotic Nobel Prize. It did elicit a lot of rude laughter across the country.
A freak mishap at South Africa’s Langebaanweg airfield may provide guidance on how to deal with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. An unnamed passenger on a Pilatus PC-7 Mk II jet, reaching for a handle to steady himself during a rocky takeoff, inadvertently pulled his seat’s emergency handle! Two rockets behind his seat ejected the oaf 100 meters into the air before a parachute automatically opened and floated him safely to earth. Of course, in Harry’s case we could dispense with the parachute. Things are changing in China. It is no longer the wholesome place it was when Chairman Mao Zedong inspired White House communications director Miss Anita Dunn with visions of saintliness. In mid-October the liberals’ latest bête noire, Mr. Glenn Beck, broadcast on his hated Fox News television show a clip of Miss Dunn declaring to an audience of young people that Mao has been one of her two favorite philosophers (along with Mother Teresa), presumably since his government murdered 70 million Chinese. Now Mao is in hell, and young Chinese are being exposed to sculptures of enormous undraped breasts in public parks. No arrests are made. No one is even tortured. In a park in Foshan City, China, parents and teachers have protested the presence of a naked bosom the size of an SUV, but to no effect. Reports a kindergarten teacher to the News Express after an embarrassing class outing to the park, “The little girls were scared and cried loudly, asking me if they would grow those huge things, and the boys laughed loud and crazily.” Boys will be boys, eh, Miss Dunn?
In San Diego, California, civil libertarians are unsure whether they are confronted by a First Amendment issue or a matter better left to the National Endowment for the Arts. The imbroglio swirls around one Mr. Weusi McGowan, 38, who was being tried in the courtroom of Superior Court judge Frank Brown for robbery and residential burglary when he drew from his clothing a small neatly sealed bag of fecal matter and flung it at the jury. Judge Brown sentenced Mr. McGowan to 31 years in prison, surely an excessive punishment for what many civil libertarians and, for that matter, many modern American fiction writers would consider a matter of free speech. On the other hand, Mr. McGowan may have been attempting to attract the attention of the National Endowment for the Arts and planning to submit a grant proposal. Possibly he had hopes of appearing on the Charlie Rose Show, neatly sealed bag and all. In London, the always zany museum known as the Tate Modern unveiled a 100-foot-long by 43-foot-high container filled with pitch darkness. According to Sky News, when visitors enter the container all light disappears immediately and one is left in a black hole. The artistic creation’s Michelangelo, Mr. Miroslaw Balka, says the darkness within his container is a metaphor for life, but surely a more persuasive metaphor would be Socialism or Modern Art itself. “Sometimes,” explained Mr. Balka, “you meet a person who seems strange to you at first but then you get to know them and they become your friend,” which brings to mind the late Mr. Oscar Wilde’s line: “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Nudism has been redeemed! Long considered the enthusiasm of the distinctly fla-fla, nudism got a public relations boost when Mr. Robert E. Thompson, though completely naked and 91 years of age, accosted a nocturnal burglar at his Lake Worth, Florida, home and threatened to shoot him with his pistol unless he undressed too — ha ha, just a joke. Actually Mr. Thompson merely threatened to kill the intruder, Mr. Jose Pasqual, if he attempted flight before the arrival of the blushing police. And how are the feminists going to respond to this one? According to the Athens Banner-Herald of Athens, Georgia, a local woman thwarted an attempted burglary by acting like a bitch. Yes, startled by the sound of someone attempting a late-night entry of her home, the woman — thus far unidentified — got down on her hands and knees and, according to a police report, “began scratching at the door and acting like a large dog.”
Now here is a role reversal. A female voyeur in Springfield, Virginia, got Mr. Eric Williamson, 29, arrested after reporting to the authorities that she spotted him making coffee in his kitchen at 5:30 a.m. buck naked. “Yes, I wasn’t wearing any clothes,” Mr. Williamson admitted. “It was dark and I had no idea anyone was outside looking at the time.” The female scopophiliac had brought her seven-year-old daughter along, and claimed it was Mr. Williamson who was the weirdo. On the humane front, Old Europe continues to surpass the United States. In Belgium a Miss Homeless contest was held and won by Miss Therese Van Belle, 58, who was acclaimed for her fashion judgment and catwalk skill despite an occasional stagger and belch. In Hungary a Miss Plastic contest was held for recipients of breast enhancements, bum elevations, liposuction, and other cosmetic revisions. As deadline approaches, the winners have yet to be decided. Finally, bio-energy took a gigantic step forward in Sweden where thousands of dead rabbits gathered from the Stockholm parks and backyards are being used to fuel the heating plants of local power utilities. Not even Californians had thought of that!
Finally, an anonymous reader of this magazine may be the rightful heir to Dr. Leo F. Buscaglia, founder of the “Hug Movement” of a generation past. Dr. Buscaglia was the enormously successful writer and motivational speaker who stressed in his work the almost utopian effect of simply walking up to everyone in sight and offering a big hug. It might have been a contributing factor in the peaceful ending of the Cold War and fall of the Berlin Wall whose 20th anniversary was observed on November 9 — though the New York Times‘s editorial neglected to mention Dr. Buscaglia. Our reader suggests that we do as he has been doing ever since President Obama was elected. That is to say, our reader carries a black felt-tipped pen with him. Wherever he goes he enters the toilet stalls of public lavatories and with pen in hand writes simply “Welcome!” on the exposed tissue of every toilet paper roll. Do not be surprised if he wins one of President Obama’s first Medals of Freedom or possibly next year’s Nobel Peace Prize.