The coming year will not give us a break from the steady stream of political knavery, green graft and governmental stupidity that 2011 delivered, though it will surely provide a flood of politically-induced comedy.
JANUARY: An enterprising BBC reporter — seeking to prove the practicality of electric cars — drove from London to Edinburgh. The journey took four days — longer than a horse-drawn stage would have taken for the trip 150 years ago — including nine stops of up to ten hours.
(In its first crisis summit of the year, EU leaders declared they would impose Germanic controls on its members’ sovereign debts and toasted each other with large portions of Rémy Martin Louis XIII cognac. Meanwhile, in the first Republican presidential debate, both television viewers cheered when twelve contenders, apparently chosen at random, actually showed up.)
FEBRUARY: Chicago chose as its new mayor former White House chief of staff Rahm Effing Emanuel, who immediately ordered a voter registration drive in the city’s cemeteries. Shortly after that, the “Arab spring training season” began in Egypt. After Secretary of State Hillary said that the Mubarak regime was stable, the Cairo Clubbers traded their top grenade thrower to the Port Said Molotovs for two machine-gunners and a future draft pick.
(In an urgent crisis summit, Eurozone leaders sought to solve Greece’s insolvency by imposing budget rationalization written by Italian PM Silvio Burlesqueoni. Eurozone leaders toasted each other’s wisdom with a tiny sip of Dom Perignon 1975 champagne. Burlesqueoni requisitioned the rest of the bottle for what he called a “bunga-bunga” party, which term had to be translated for the media by Bill Clinton.)
MARCH: In January, Obama had proclaimed France our best and strongest ally. Because the French never forgive a favor, Sarkozy dragged Obama into his war for glory in Libya. Barry called it a “kinetic military action” and cute little Sarah called it a “squirmish.” My blazingly brilliant pal, Andy McCarthy, said that henceforth we should call acts of terrorism “kinetic Islam.” Barry told Congress to stuff its War Powers Resolution because bombing Libya wasn’t a hostile act. Meanwhile, Hillary called Syria’s Bashar Assad a “reformer.”
Obama’s hostility was reserved for Israel, and only increased when Israeli PM Netanyahu schooled him in front of the television cameras. Despite comments from both governments, it was clear that Obama’s anger, in this instance, emanated only from the fact that Bibi pulled it off without a teleprompter.
Forget APRIL and go to MAY, when we were treated to the news that the best of the best –“DevGroup,” formerly known as SEAL Team 6 — killed Osama bin Laden in Abbottabad, Pakistan where the Paks had hidden him for about five years. On the day the White House revealed that a large porn stash was found in bin Laden’s house, we also learned that the Real Wives of bin Laden weren’t cooperating with interrogators, which two events are not logically connected.
The Navy named a new ship for migrant labor activist Cesar Chavez, best remembered for his role in pushing the 1986 amnesty for illegal aliens. According to one highly inebriated source, if Obama is re-elected the next three Navy ships (if any are built) will be named for Barney Frank, Jane Fonda. and Eric Holder.
Before May ended former Illinois gov Rod Blagojevich testified in his corruption retrial that he was a “f****** jerk,” a fact of which the court could have taken judicial notice. After Disney Corp. surrendered its attempt to trademark “SEAL Team 6” for toys, video games and such, no court could find that Mickey Mouse was a f****** jerk without additional evidence.
JUNE: Enterprising Aussies found a new “cap and trade” scheme in an attempt to qualify for the Guinness Book of World Records for the “most corrupt carbon market.” Figuring that a camel produces 45 kilograms of carbon (in the form of methane) each year, the “kill a camel for carbon credits” plan quickly took shape. The conversion of camels to food may yet prove profitable because Aussies will eat anything as long as there’s enough beer to wash it down. Meanwhile, New York Cong. Anthony Weiner (D-of course. Why did you even ask?) became the first known “Twitticide” when he sent a picture of his aroused equipment out via the social networking site. As a NY Post headline said, “Erections have Consequences.”
TSA thugs forced a 95-year old woman to remove her adult diaper, apparently confusing its plastic liner for explosives.
(In another crisis summit, the Eurozone leaders resolved to bail out Greece with Italian-minted euros, and tried to give the bill to the International Monetary Fund. They toasted their latest success by drinking large glasses of Stolichnaya vodka. Television networks announced that the Republican debate series would replace both “Survivor” and “Real Housewives of Frostbite Falls” but not “Jersey Shore.” A splinter group of Iowa Republicans, seeking enhance their cash killing from selling tickets to the January caucuses, tried to get Snooki to declare her candidacy. The effort was stopped when a secret poll revealed she would get more votes than Ron Paul.)
At about that time, we heard that Jack Daniels may be driven north out of its native Tennessee by tax-hikers. “Michigan Sipping Whiskey” may be coming soon to a liquor store near you.
The Pentagon — convinced that ignorance is strength — declared that the Fort Hood Massacre, accomplished by crazed Muslim Nidal Hassan, was “workplace violence.” Because ignorance is a less effective defense than drunkenness, the city of Sunland Park, New Mexico denied the validity of several large contracts signed by Mayor Martin Resendiz who claimed he had been drunk when he signed them.
(Seizing the opportunity in Resendiz’s statement, Eurozone leaders announced that their predecessors had been drunk when they signed the Maastricht Treaty. When they made that announcement, the Eurozoners were observed to be imbibing a large glass of something called the “Merkozy cocktail.” Laboratory analysis later revealed that the drink was a mix of Kool Aid, vodka and LSD.)
Physicists at the CERN research center in Switzerland sent a stream of neutrinos to Italy where it was determined that the neutrinos had exceeded the speed of light and arrived before they left, apparently disproving Einstein’s theory of Special Relativity.
The EU reacted angrily because in Europe nothing is allowed to go faster than anything else for fear that it might work harder. The EU enacted a special neutrino speed tax which Italy couldn’t pay because the entire Italian treasury had been spent on new Maseratis for the Ministry of Defense. The Italian parliament tried to determine who was driving the Maseratis and failed because none of the MoD staff had reported to work since Mussolini was executed.
JULY: Niko Alm competed successfully with Muslim women for the right to self-decorate while being photographed for official government ID’s. Proclaiming himself a “Pastafarian” — a previously obscure religion that worships the Flying Spaghetti Monster — Mr. Alm succeeded in having his Austrian drivers’ license photo taken with a colander on his head. Rep. Ron Paul said he was not running for re-election to congress so that he could concentrate on his presidential bid. It was unclear, even after the first 638 Republican candidate debates, whether Paul wanted to run as a Republican or a Pastafarian.
AUGUST: The proudest symbol of Barry’s green jobs campaign — Solyndra — filed for bankruptcy, leaving us stuck with the $535 million loan guarantee by the Energy Department. Fisker — an electric car company — got a huge loan from the Energy Department and promptly spent it on a production facility in Norway. Tesla, yet another green grifter company closely tied to Obama, also got a multi-hundred million dollar loan, which will be repaid as soon as hell freezes over or liberals admit these rent seekers are doing less than duck hunters to preserve the earth.
Meanwhile, Congress and Obama agreed to raise the debt ceiling and play Russian roulette with an empty pistol. They created a congressional Supercommittee tasked to reduce our debt by great green globs by Thanksgiving. The bill included a “trigger mechanism” to impose “sequestration,” making automatic massive and painful cuts to defense and domestic spending, but not to entitlements.
Judging congressional achievement appropriately, Standard and Poor’s declared the Obama downgrade, a first for America’s credit rating.
The biochemical causation of this congressional knavery was confirmed by the dating service Chemistry.com, which reported that Washington, D.C. was among the top ten cities in which “high-estrogen” men could be found. These men — according to Dr. Helen Fisher of Chemistry.com — are “sensitive men who are concerned about the state of the world.” You know: girlie-men.
Meanwhile, TSA inaugurated a new airport security measure, which requires any woman over the age of 60 to be held upside down and shaken to dislodge any hidden weapons or costume jewelry.
SEPTEMBER: Republican debates became so boring that television networks considered hiring fake moderators such as Donald Trump. The problem can best be solved, without Trump, by ensuring that future debates are moderated, seriatim, by John Madden, the Kardashian sisters, and Liam Neeson accompanied by the rest of the stars of the “A-Team” movie appearing in character. I pity the fools…
Audi of America President Johan de Nysschen called the Chevy Volt — Obama’s favorite automobile — a car for idiots. The Volt is the worst and most heavily government-subsidized car since the previous worst car of all time, the East German Trabant, which the Volt matches in performance and reliability. Don’t get matches close to it, because the Volt’s batteries are prone to catching fire. GM reported that it had sold 6,000 Volts so far, which means that, all told, the subsidy amounts to about $250,000 per car, a Great Green bargain. (Actually, a large part of those sales were to the government, which only multiplies the subsidy by making us pay for the cars twice.)
In October, we all mourned the death of Apple genius Steve Jobs. Shortly after he left us, the world’s BlackBerry service was disrupted for several days which coincided with Apple’s announcement of the new “iHaunt” app for the iPhone. Meanwhile, Libyan rebels found Muammar Qaddafi-Gaddafi-Khadaffy cowering in a sewer. Khadafi was reportedly killed in a crossfire (between the guy on his right and the guy on his left.) This event was mourned only by editors who will no longer be able to make their reporters’ lives miserable by randomly imposing different spellings of Moammar’s name.
The aforementioned N.Y. Post celebrated by publishing the best headline page in decades. Seems the guy who may have killed Krudaffy with his own gun was wearing a particular baseball cap. Which headline and subhead were too good to not reprint in full: “KHADAFY KILLED BY YANKEE FAN: Gunman had more hits than A-Rod.” (And no apologies to A-Rod, who hits like one of those high-estrogen Washington, D.C. men.)
The Occupy Wall Street movement grew so large that in October, President Obama formally embraced the great unwashed OWS kids, telling ABC’s Jake Tapper, “The most important thing we can do right now is those of us in leadership letting people know that we understand their struggles and we are on their side…”
Which resulted in the fine people of Charlotte, N.C. — where the 2012 Dem convention will be held — trying to preempt the OWS’ers inevitable migration to their city. Charlotte’s city fathers weren’t enthused by Obama’s invitation to another Chicago 1968-style riot so, at last report, they were amending the tradition of southern hospitality by building an electrified fence around their city.
NOVEMBER: The Stuporcommittee deadlocked and the “trigger” was pulled, which produced a collective yawn among the financial markets. Fortunately for our elected representatives, the automatic spending cuts will not take effect until 2013, giving them plenty of time to dig our financial hole several trillion dollars deeper.
DECEMBER: (In the final crisis meeting of the year, the Eurozidiots declared victory by proposing a new EU treaty which was vetoed by British PM David Cameron in his first act of conservatism. Undaunted, the Eurozone leaders tried to pronounce the details of their deal, but their statements were unclear because each of them had been drinking directly from personalized jugs of Gallo Hearty Burgundy for the previous twenty-four hours.)
Ratings agencies Standard and Poor’s, Moody’s and Fitch issued a joint statement in reaction to the Eurozone deal which said only, “Bwahahahahahahahaha.” Which some people mistook for a reaction to Joe Biden’s statement that the Taliban wasn’t our enemy, “per se.”
So what will 2012 bring?
Because not one of the following will be the Republican nominee — Mike Pence, Donald Rumsfeld, Richard Myers, or Paul Ryan — we are, after the November dust settles, likely to be stuck with a bad case of B.O. for another four years. There’s only one solution.
Neil Cavuto for Prez. Andy McCarthy for Veep. Time to stand up, guys.
I’d wish you all a Happy New Year, but given what’s coming that would be a frivolous act. Let’s leave it with this: may we all be as creative, funny, and sharp as the N.Y. Post headline writers.