The American Spectator : Panic in Faculty Lounges

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Panic in Faculty Lounges

The Sequester is turning out worse than losing tenure.

It’s always a knee-slapper when American university professors and administrators, representatives of one of the most extravagantly funded and unaccountable industries in the history of the world, complain they are being underfunded and that the world will suffer as a result. And you thought politicians were good at conflating their personal interests with those of the cosmos.

The sequester hustle out of the White House was such a transparent fraud, and such an intellectual flim-flam, it’s no surprise that the deep thinkers in faculty lounges have fallen for it. And have attempted to turn it to their advantage.

An Associated Press story over the weekend quotes poobahs from some of the nation’s better-known universities — MIT, Johns Hopkins, USC, UMass-Amherst, et al.) whining that the recent trifling cut in the rate at which the federal government metastasizes will bring the growth of knowledge in America to a standstill. Scientifically talented students will flee to other countries where intellectual opportunities are better (Venezuela perhaps? Guatemala?), they threaten. This could lead to a “brain drain,” they warn.

Be still my heart. Is another dark age on the horizon? Is it time for Irish monks to start collecting the books again? Will the lights really go out in Cambridge, New Haven, Berkeley, Madison, Ann Arbor, Palo Alto?

The Associated Press writer reports that professors claim they are wondering if this loss of a fraction of a fraction of proposed increase in federal spending will lead young scientists to “become discouraged by domestic funding challenges and either leave for careers abroad (see above re Venezuela) or change fields.”

Scott Zenger, vice provost for research at Johns Hopkins University, said the cuts will “mean that people aren’t spending quiet time thinking about how nature works.” (I did a lot of this at various student watering holes as an undergraduate, but it’s hard to see how the nation benefited.) Scientists already have “less time to spend in their labs because they have to spend more time seeking grants,” he lamented.

But all that grant-writing time has certainly paid off. The amount of government funding for university research reached $33.3 billion in 2010, the AP reports. (And don’t forget private research money.) That’s quite a gravy train, and one can see how university types panic at the thought of it being cut off, or even slowed. But do we really get more than $33 billion in useful scientific knowledge for all that tax money?

TAS readers are familiar with countless stories over the years of the goofy things government research grants have been extended for. Allow me to share a recent favorite. Just a couple of weeks after we learned that White House tours for civilians would have to be curtailed because of lack of funds, CNS News reported that the National Institutes of Health awarded Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston $1.5 million to study why lesbians are fat. As Dave Barry would say, I’m not making this up.

Some busybodies, with lots of time on their hands, have determined that three-quarters of lesbians are obese whereas gay males are, for the most part, svelte. How this was arrived at, or why anyone except the fat or thin people involved should care, was not made clear.

At any rate, one and a half mil seems a high price to pay to answer this peculiar but not all that baffling question (though almost certainly when this money runs out, the conclusion will be, “Further research is needed”). Heck, for $100 and a 750 ML bottle of middling cabernet, I could have told NIH that if the lesbians are fat, or if anyone else with any other proclivity has allowed herself/himself to become a pie-wagon, it’s almost certainly because she/he eats too much and doesn’t exercise enough. We don’t need grant-bearing federals to figure this out. We’ve knew this for centuries before grants were invented, or even scientists, come to that.

If university officials are in a dither about how to replace lost research funds, they have plenty of options, as the sheer waste in the university industry is staggering. A great first step would be for universities to sluff off all the useless administrators that have been added to payrolls over the fat years of the recent decades. The railroads have nothing on universities for featherbedding. Saying adios to various assistant deputy provosts for this or that, as well as to such as vice presidents for diversity and their bloated staffs, would free a good deal of money for research.

Universities could also close the departments of women’s studies, black studies, queer studies, and all the other faddish majors that lead to graduates who are indignant, broke, in debt, and unemployable. They could and should cancel all that pricey travel to conferences where professors read out loud to other hung-over professors papers that said professors could as well read in their offices on campus, if they were interested, which in most cases, they are not (choose any article at random from the from the Publication of the Modern Language Association and you will see why).

Colleges could get professors to actually work for their considerable salaries. This would include getting over the fantasy that teaching nine hours per week is a “full load.” (This is a load all right, but not in the way university hustlers mean it.) All this non-teaching time, university administrators claim, is so that professors can do “original research,” much of which is incoherent nonsense published in journals no one reads (see above re any article in the PMLA), stuff that no one would miss if it were never churned out.

From my years on daily newspapers, I see the attraction of an easy story. And this may be what motivated the AP reporter here, who is, after all, just a working stiff trying to get through the week. Call a few university types and get them to whine about their troubles (no challenge at all), type up the results, and head for the gym. But if any attempt is to be made to separate the important from the silly and self-serving, it would be useful to hear less about nonexistent brain drains, and more about money and productivity drains caused by millions of students idling, at great expense, for years on end in universities, listening to PhDs who have their eyes on various government treasuries, and on the main chance. And whose contributions to the world’s store of useful knowledge is, in way too many cases, too small to measure.

About the Author

Larry Thornberry is a writer in Tampa.

Letter to the Editor View all comments (44) | Leave a comment Leave a comment

Otis, my man!| 3.18.13 @ 7:00AM

Larry,

You were underbid by Rush Limbaugh, who offered to explain why lesbians were fat for a dime.

Arnie| 3.18.13 @ 7:12AM

Are you saying Rush Limbaugh is a lesbian?

OMG....this changes everything.

Mike G| 3.18.13 @ 9:02AM

Wait, didn't I hear someplace that Rush is a male lesbian?

Canada Cares| 3.18.13 @ 10:07AM

Sounds like grist for another important US Government funded study to me? If we ignore understanding the nature of this burning phenomena, what could happen to the children??

markenoff| 3.18.13 @ 1:09PM

I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Do I qualify for social security disability?

merlin| 3.18.13 @ 9:48PM

Me too. Do I get a separate public restroom?

alice921| 3.18.13 @ 12:46PM

Its definitely the most-financially rewarding Ive ever done. Make money with Google. last monday I got a new Alfa Romeo from bringing in $7778. I started this 9-months ago and practically straight away started making more than $83… per hour. I work through this link, http://tw.gs/YbVcey

Tom Kyba| 3.18.13 @ 1:24PM

And I'm saying you're a male lesbian. OMG....this changes nothing.

KennesawJack| 3.18.13 @ 9:48AM

I'm a big fan of Rush but, obviously, he hasn't seen Jodie Foster or Meredith Baxter-Birney lately. Hotties, to say the least. What a waste.

irish19| 3.18.13 @ 10:50AM

Agreed.

Crassus| 3.18.13 @ 5:50PM

Foster was always more cute than hot. Baxter-Birney was hot during her younger days but age has taken its toll.

Doctor_X| 3.18.13 @ 7:46AM

The real cause of a “brain drain" is TAXES. Why should I stay in the USA when I can be paid to move to the U.A.E. where there is no taxes at all..NO income or sales tax. That alone is worth about $15,000 a year to me.

Denver Todd| 3.18.13 @ 8:27AM

The USA has worldwide taxation on its citizens. Moving to the UAE is not enough; you would have to give up your citizenship as well.

Denver Todd| 3.18.13 @ 8:29AM

But the one benefit of moving out of the USA would be to get away from Obamacare. I wonder how Obama will close the loophole for that.

Santiago| 3.18.13 @ 1:52PM

Shhhhh......don't give him any ideas. I'm enjoying this loophole over here.

Bob K| 3.18.13 @ 8:50AM

We read the same Bull Crap from Professors writing articles for small papers in small towns in "flyover" country.

An educational apocalypse will appear throughout the land if College Teachers are required to teach their 9 hours a week over 4 days than over 5 days!

Bob K| 3.18.13 @ 8:53AM

Meanwhile, at the local primary school and high school levels the big concern is how this will affect Teacher's Pensions. Certainly it will require a raise in taxes!

Kissufim| 3.18.13 @ 8:57AM

Let me sadly confirm that as a grad student (at a university right around the corner from you, Larry) the culture in most qualitative departments implicitly and explicitly expects journal publications, conference panels, and a long,long stay in the department for the purpose of getting what? Tenure track.
All eyes are on the prize of government treasuries, indeed.

fmm| 3.18.13 @ 10:10AM

The saying used to be "Publish or Perish". Now it is "Publish so the Culture can Perish" in the soft studies.

RAM| 3.18.13 @ 10:31AM

What should trouble the educators is the fact that they and their institutions promote the type of society (socialist) that annihilates job opportunities for graduates in the private sector.

Ned the Red| 3.18.13 @ 10:32AM

The Higher Education Industrial Complex (Someone big should warn us about it).

PetePatriot| 3.18.13 @ 11:37AM

Ah yes, the government-media-academic complex. To be effective, it would have to be a big Democrat issuing the warning. Not holding my breath.

Doctor Right| 3.18.13 @ 11:39AM

I had to laugh when I saw UMass being mentioned in the same breath as Hopkins or MIT.

That's because I'm a UMass grad. Or better yet, a UMass survivor.

Don't get me wrong; it's actually a pretty good school. Their engineering program ranks fairly high, as do their undergard business and biological sciences departments.

But I mean, c'mon!!!

I went to UMAss in the 80's; it was loony-left then, and it's only gotten worse since. These people - leftwing professors - never learn! (Ironic, isn't it?)

As an example, UMAss once boasted (and may still) that they have the nation's PREMIER Marxist Economics Department!!! That's almost like saying you have the nation's premier flat-earth cartography department, but hey...that's UMass...

Joe D.| 3.18.13 @ 12:00PM

Larry, you are right on target. However, you are short on how many universities and Colleges have billions of dollars store away. How many of these still charge over $20 thousand a year.

alice921| 3.18.13 @ 12:27PM

Arnie| 3.18.13 @ 12:55PM

Hey guys, do you want to lower this job creators tax rate?

markenoff| 3.18.13 @ 1:12PM

I made $3500 last week stuffing envelopes. I stuff them with heroin.

Arnie| 3.18.13 @ 1:27PM

I wouldn't doubt that....

Intelligent Design| 3.18.13 @ 1:19PM

Academia is in an artificial bubble pumped up by federal aid and federal student loans. When I was a college freshman the total cost for a year was about $4,000, including room, board, tuition, books. If the cost had grown at the rate of inflation, it would now be about $25,800 per year. But it is actually about $55,000 per year and rising fast. Education is grossly over-priced. How do they get away with it? Answer: Federal aid to colleges and $1 trillion in unsecured, low interest loans to students who generally have no credit history and no collateral. Loans that no sane private lender would make.

PolishKnight| 3.18.13 @ 1:35PM

Hello ID. What unsecured loans are you referring to? It was my understanding that student loans were the most highly secured loans in the nation which are non-dischargeable except under the most extreme circumstances (iron lung style disabilities.)

One the contrary, one of the tragedies of the student loans is that many young people find themselves in massive debt early in their 20's with little hope of paying it back.

djn1313| 3.18.13 @ 1:25PM

A US university degree is a total waste of hard earned money. The entire system is setup to enrich a bunch of lazy progressive/marxist administrators and professors who earn $200,000+ salaries for little work. Their huge salaries and benefits are the main reason tuitions are ridiculous and US taxpayers are holding the bill for unpaid student loans.

Murl| 3.18.13 @ 1:43PM

Couldn't agree with this comment more.

Murl| 3.18.13 @ 1:47PM

I'm staying alive for one reason and one reason only - to see the other shoe drop with regards to college educators. I live for the day when they are forced out of their ivory towers and are subjected to actually doing physical labor to put food on the table, because the general public finally caught on to the scam that is the post-secondary education system in this country.

But alas, we need more sheep, so as long as parents are stupid enough to send their kids to these schools, then the myth continues to perpetuate itself.

I do digress though. My daughter is a junior at a small private liberal arts college in WV. She does need a degree to enter the teaching profession though, so it's hard to make an argument against her getting that particular degree.

Does this make me a hypocrite? (Disclaimer, she's on the "YOYO" plan - which stands for "You're On Your Own")

Suzyqpie| 3.18.13 @ 5:36PM

“mean that people aren’t spending quiet time thinking about how nature works.” (I did a lot of this at various student watering holes as an undergraduate, but it’s hard to see how the nation benefited.). My college experience personified. The. Nation. Did. Not. Benefit.

Petronius| 3.18.13 @ 6:51PM

College education, (?) is now totally insulated from market forces. That's what the educrats don't want to lose. Want reasonable tuition costs? Get RID of ALL student loans.

PCC| 3.18.13 @ 8:25PM

I'd like to be the first to commend Mr. Thornberry for an equally funny and insightful article. A joy to read. "Pie-wagon"? Priceless.

cicero| 3.18.13 @ 9:30PM

The student loan mess is getting very interesting. There is no doubt that it is the single most important thing driving the inflation in college costs. The only question is why the government is pushing it higher. If you will notice, our fearless leader and his party managed to federalize all student loans shortly after his first election. In the most recent campaign, he promised the young darling who are now on the hooks that if they voted for him, he would find a way of getting them relief. They voted for him.

How much do you want to bet that the next Dem presidential candidate will promise that, if elected, the Feds willl forgive all student loans? What a voting block that will make. Step by step, mile by mile, the sheep were lead into the ever narrowing pens . . .

Occam's Tool| 3.19.13 @ 1:39PM

Larry: some of this stuff does not bother me---I have a whole lot fewer problems with examining why Obesity hits a certain population sub group than I do about publishing incomprehensible "Black Studies" or "Women's Studies" data. I agree about closing those departments.

Occam's Tool| 3.19.13 @ 1:43PM

But, let's rephrase this question another way: Is obesity linked to problems with psychological interferences in reproductive capabilities in women? In an age with diminishing birthrates and increasing obesity, and a worsening economic safety net for the elderly due to a birth dearth, is that data worth knowing?

Con'T

Occam's Tool| 3.19.13 @ 1:48PM

Or, to give three examples of waste:

Another example of what apparently is worthless research is easy to give. A Scottish researcher once had his agar plates containing various bacterial specimens contaminated with mold. Usually, the contaminated petrie dishes would have been thrown away. Later, a Jewish Biochemist did some additional work on the mold that was accidentally found. Really a waste of research money, right? Working on contaminated specimens.

Another wasted experiment involved a group of French researchers trying to find an anticonvulsant. Problem was, all of the compunds that they tried to use worked, even the ones that they KNEW were placebos. Another crappy set up and waste of research money, right?

Third, French scientists looking for a new way to create hypothermia in patients through medication use tried something in the late 1940s that came to a completely useless (for hypothermia) dead end.

Fourth, an Australian researcher was doing weird things with guinea pigs. "These experiments mostly consisted of injecting urine from mentally ill patients into the abdomen of guinea pigs. These would appear to die faster than when healthy persons' urine was used, leading him to think that perhaps more uric acid was present in the samples provided by his mentally ill patients."

OK, the meds: 1) Penicillin. 2) Depakote (an anticonvulsant and antimanic). 3) Thorazine. 4) Lithium.

Thus endeth the Lesson..

Occam's Tool| 3.19.13 @ 1:50PM

The quote on John Cade and Lithium research was from Wikipedia.

Occam's Tool| 3.19.13 @ 1:56PM

My college education ended up in Magna Cum Laude at age 21 (I don't drink), complete with Suetonius and Tacitus read, followed by an MD at age 24, and work done with the Maori and Ojibwe. I serve the inpatient psychiatric needs of 3 Native Reservations where the weather hits 30 below without windchill. The work also allows me to homeschool my two Mayan Children so that maybe I will have my "Gifted Hands" in the future.

Not all college is wasted. Mine did exactly what I wanted. My career arc has eneded up at age 50 with precisely the life I wanted at age 14.

My college wasn't wasted at all.

Occam's Tool| 3.20.13 @ 2:23PM

MD at 25. Sorry.

I agree about most of the writing done in the "humanities" disciplines, except for military history.

But always be careful about criticizing scientific research that sounds goofy, especially medical research. Sometimes you DON'T know what you willfind in the oddest places.

For example, a Japanese scientist discovered that Rat whisker twitches was an useful proxy for antipsychotic efficacy in humans. Imagine what experiments he went through to establish THAT!

The outcome is Abilify, an unique antipsychotic.

BioScientist| 3.21.13 @ 4:45PM

While it's not the fault of the sequester (I would blame the choices institutions made in response to the NIH doubling from 1997-2007) the outlook today for US research is the worst it's ever been. Realistically, less than 10% of the proposals that are submitted are funded.

When one of us does get a grant, we use it to create jobs (I pay my postdoctoral fellows, graduate students, and technicians off of my grants- as well as their health insurance, etc.) We train the next generation of scientists and medical doctors (I've had about 25 undergraduates go through my lab, and about 80% of them have gone on to medical school with a better understanding of how to think logically and critically, how to attack problems from different angles and with an open mind, and that neither diseases nor the drugs that treat them just 'appear.') We buy products and services locally and nationally: the last estimate I heard, for each academic scientist in my smallish college town, we support directly or indirectly 20 local workers outside of the university.

One other thing- everything we find using public money is freely reported to the public, and for the majority of us the constant goal is understanding the world so that everyone can be better fed, healthier, and live a better life. So please don't lump us in with people who hang out in faculty lounges all day having Deep Thoughts, and don't begrudge us our bits of the 0.08% of the US budget that is all of NIH.

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