Jen Psaki

Good afternoon. The president has invited you all to this group to discuss some issues concerning the Russia-Ukraine conflict.

Putin

Hey Joe, what’s up, my old man?

Kim Jong-un

hahaha, brilliant, Russian.

Prince Harry

I’d kill for a drink now.

Jen Paski

What are you doing in this group, your Royal Highness?

Hunter Biden

I invited him, Jen. Hey, Harry, we’re going out tonight!

Boris Johnson has joined the group.

Prince Harry

Of course, Hunt. Let’s get plastered. Megan’s going to a pajama party in Hollywood tonight…

Boris

Did I hear party? :-)))

Volodymyr Zelensky

The Russians will have to claw their way through us if they want to cross the border.

Putin

Volodymyr, what makes you think we could do something so terrible?

Volodymyr Zelensky

Crossing the border?

Putin No, dude, ripping through your skin, that’s disgusting! truly prehistoric. We have nuclear weapons, we don’t need to actually physically touch the nasty enemy.

Kim Jong-un

hahahahahahaha, Vladimir, you’re such a funny bugger, hahahahahahaha.

Joe Biden

Hello friends. I have ordered my men to immediately begin the evacuation of the American Embassy in Saigon. My decision is final.

Jen Psaki

Ahem, Mr. President…

Joe Biden

Ahem shmahem, Jen! The commies are frying us.

Bolsonaro

Bravo, Joe, I have issued orders for my diplomats to communicate the Brazilian people’s alliance with Carthage in its conflict with Rome!

Xi Jinping

hahahahaha, the anti-vaccine fascist has a sense of humor!

Bolsonaro

Is the sun in your eyes, Xi?

Putin

hahahahahah, what a b*****d, Bolsonaro.

Maduro

Stand tall my comrades! Death to the American fascist state!

Emmanuel Macron

Nicolás, maybe we should sit down and talk, look for consensus….

Maduro

Let’s tear the fascists’ heads off!

Macron

… because the fundamental values of the European Union, starting with total respect for multicultural diversity, and different sensitivities…

Xi Jinping

We’ll flog the fascists in the town squares!

Macron

… always prioritizing the fight against climate change, and sustainable policies, as well as the values of equality, fraternity, feminism, resilience…

Maduro

We’ll hang the fascists from a tree!

Macron

… and so France will always be on the side of those who seek a gender-sensitive ceasefire, with an emphasis on LGTBIXSJFKESJ rights for soldiers….

Xi Jinping

Let’s shoot the fascists in front of their own children!

Macron

…. SJXMFKJRTSAMNCJFOESAAS…

Maduro

We’ll set the United States on fire!

Macron

… JAIFJFUTJSJEHT and forever demolishing the glass ceiling for women in the military, and offsetting the carbon footprint of nuclear warhead transport….

Olaf Scholz

Who pays the most?

Xi Jinping

I do.

Joe Biden

Olaf! Oh my goodness, I’m so excited! My granddaughter loves you in Frozen!

Ursula von der Leyen

Europe always pays better, Olaf.

Putin

Olaf, say what you will. I’m not going to give you a dime, you’ll just have to decide if you want me to cut the pipeline and freeze your countrymen to death.

Olaf Scholz

Vladimir, would you really be capable of that?

Putin

Yes, and of eating your father alive, too.

Olaf

Long live Russia!

Volodymyr Zelensky

Filthy sellout!

Olaf Scholz

Who the hell is Volodymyr?

Jen Psaki bookmarks “Filthy sellout!” as a favorite.

Ursula von der Leyen

I don’t know, but it has a vodka brand ring to it…

Boris

Did I hear vodka?

Xi Jinping

Time to torture! I have to take my leave. Take care, comrades.

Maduro

Xi, I’m calling you, I need to tell you about this new device we have bought to make the political prisoners sing in El Helicoide.

Xi Jinping

Do they sell it on Aliexpress?

Putin

Yes. If you buy 10, you get a free fake beer can filled with Novichok.

Boris

Did I hear Novichok?

Hunter Biden

Phew, bro! I really can not recommend that. It gives you a brutal hangover. Ask Navalny….

Joe Biden

I am giving you an exclusive: this morning, Gen. Alfred Jodl has signed the act of unconditional surrender of all German forces to the Allies. We have won!

Kamala Harris has joined the group.

Kamala

Joe, honey, it’s over. Let’s go home…

Hunter

Dad, have you even taken your meds today?

Putin

Novichok?

Kim Jong-un

hahahahahaha This Russian cracks me up!

Bolsonaro

Does anyone have anything else to add, I need to go get vaccinated! :)))

Justin Trudeau has joined the group.

Justin

What’s up, guys? Sorry I’m late, I was slaughtering truckers and I lost track of time. Are we finally having a war?

Volodymyr Zelensky

Well, is anyone going to support us against the Russians?

Boris

Are drinks on you afterwards?

Macron

Volodymyr, are you going to defend yourself from a gendered perspective using ecological bombs made of recycled material? By the way, are you in favor of my proposal that abortion be included in the EU Charter of Fundamental Rights?

Putin

Volodymyr, don’t pay mind Macron, he is sick. I would support you, but if I do, there would be no war. And we all like a little war, eh!

Joe Biden

I don’t know what conflict you are talking about, Volodymyr, but I’ll tell Kamala to go and support you right this second..

Volodymyr

Noooooooooo!

Jen Psaki has closed this group.