I used to respect the Washington Post in a way that I couldn’t — and still can’t — respect the New York Times, arguably the most overrated newspaper in history. True, the Post has supported some of the dumbest presidents in U.S. history, from Jimmy Carter to Joe Biden, but, being a romantic, I used to like seeing classic movie actors reading the Post, and besides, it’s a paper that, if you don’t know English, looks beautiful in the waiting room at the dentist.
Last week, the Washington Post decided to abandon partisan journalism and switch to partisan comedy. I am referring — you may have read it already — to the article in which the editors finally admit that there is a recession going on (it is possible that the word “recession” got stuck in the press weeks ago because it has a double “s”) and in which they urge readers to celebrate in style: “7 ways a recession could be good for you financially.” You know that nowadays readers don’t read anything if it is not in list format. (READ MORE from Itxu Díaz: Democrats Declare the First Burger War)
With my usual commitment to public service and quality journalism, I would like to suggest to the Washington Post a list of things that might be good for people in some way, in anticipation of future stories like the one on the recession.
3 ways it could be good for you to have a cow fall on you
- It means that an elephant has not fallen on you.
- If it hits you right on the head, you might not have to pay any more taxes.
- If you both survive, you may be able to milk it and save a load.
5 ways it could be good for you to have your home robbed and your family kidnapped
- Your little Katy (age 6) won’t need to turn in her math homework tomorrow.
- Tonight, you will be able to watch the game without interruptions.
- A clutter-free home is much easier to clean.
- Your family members are unlikely to be killed and, while they are confined, you will save a lot of money on food.
- No more standing in line for the shower every morning.
4 ways it could be good for you to have your power cut off
- You won’t waste work time surfing social networks.
- Butane fries are much tastier than those done with the electric oven.
- You can light cigarettes with the candle on your desk instead of having to look for the lighter in your pocket.
- By reducing your consumption to zero, I assume you will be saving the planet.
5 ways it could be good for you to have your privates pecked by a peacock
- I’m not sure, but I bet it improves blood circulation.
- You will throw whatever you have in your hands into the air — if you are in the Olympics and you are a hammer thrower, you will probably launch it out of the stadium and win gold.
- At least he hasn’t pecked your eye out and eaten it. Celebrate!
- I think there are people who pay a lot of money for similar painful sexual practices.
- Thank God a thousand times over: It wasn’t a crocodile!
I beg the folks at the Washington Post to respect the copyrights of these suggestions and pay a fair fee. (Coming soon to your screens: “8 ways it could be good for the Washington Post to publish Itxu’s suggested articles.”)