Science is real. UFOS are realer.
The Pentagon confirmed it late last month. They declassified three UFO videos. Only they weren’t UFOS — they were UAPs. That’s military lingo for UFOs. Defense doesn’t like to say UFOs. It makes them sound kooky. Kooky gets in the way of military procurement. You need gravitas when you ask for $718 billion. UFOs are anti-gravitas.
Which is why on April 27 the Pentagon felt put out when it released those three videos of UAPs, or Unidentified Aerial Phenomena, and admitted they’re real and they’re spectacular, to borrow a Seinfeld phrase. But never mind — “Look over there! A pandemic!”
The military’s troubles started with a 1947 memo: “AMC Opinion Concerning ‘Flying Discs.’ ” It was written by Lt. Gen. Twining. Nobody asked for the memo. His mission was to find a new way from Guam to D.C. via Europe. But something happened on that flight, something involving flying discs. The Army’s response went something like this: “Cockpit time: 59 hours, 30 minutes. Result: Loose screw … and we don’t mean the aeroplane.” That memo opened the floodgates. Since then the U.S. military has been playing whack-a-mole with UFO programs. Soon as they shut down one, some joker starts another.
But dammit if Twining hadn’t been right. U.S. military pilots have been seeing flying discs. It’s almost like these UAPs are an advance scouting party for an oncoming invasion by silicon-based lizard beings from the Sunflower Galaxy, which is totally just hearsay, and there isn’t a specimen at Area 51.
Tom DeLonge, one-time lead singer of Blink-182, is officially considered by the CIA an “enema of the state.” Actually, enemy of the state. They called him at his Paris hotel while he was on tour and said, “Please don’t make us make you an enemy of the state, which is what you’ll be if you don’t cut it out with this UFO crap.” But DeLonge, whose hearing had been impaired by his music, heard “enema of the state,” liked it, and named his third album after it. (Of course, just like everything else in ufology, wacky theories abound. So if you don’t believe me on this, check Wikipedia. It’s reliable. Sometimes.) “Enema of the State” sold 15 million copies and went five times platinum. The CIA remains sorry it ever called.
Particularly upsetting to the U.S. government must have been Track No. 3 — “Aliens Exist.”
The point is this. DeLonge, instead of dating lingerie models and snorting coke, is laser-focused on aliens. Maybe he’s snorting coke, too. He must have unlimited resources thanks to that Paris phone call.
DeLonge sunk the album’s money into To the Stars Academy (TTSA), which collects information about UFOs and evaluates material samples obtained from “advanced aerospace vehicles of unknown origin,” which is absolutely ridiculous. So ridiculous that U.S. Army Future Command has partnered with it “as an exciting, non-traditional source for novel materials and transformational technologies to enhance our military ground system capabilities.” But officially, if anyone asks, UFOs don’t exist.
DeLonge started his Academy with Dr. Hal Puthoff, who invented tunable lasers and electron beam devices, joined Scientology, and proved Uri Geller really was psychic (sort of). This formidable duo got their hands on those videos back in 2017, forcing the Defense Department to admit that basically, “Yeah, well, maybe they’re real and maybe we have a UFO project called the Advanced Aviation Threat Identification Program and maybe we’ve sunk $22 million into it.” After that, I imagine, they cursed Hal and DeLonge for the ridicule they’d endure at the next procurement hearing.
DeLonge has been putting pressure on the Pentagon to be forthcoming since then with an army of newly recruited UFO devotees, most of them probably 14-year-olds. Looks like the Pentagon looked for a way out — 14-year-olds are relentless. The worldwide pandemic provided it. It was a Friday document dump on a grand scale.
President Trump did what he could to help. He said it was “a hell of a video,” automatically making half the country not believe it, usually the half that would believe it. That was good. Bad was that it made UFOs a Republican thing. Republicans like to hunt. You send Republicans out looking for something and they’ll find it … whitetail, wild boar, UFOs.
SETI has been scanning galaxies for years, and it hasn’t found anything. Maybe SETI is run by Democrats, maybe not. All I know is that its director has purple hair (I think. I’m color blind). No one at the Pentagon has purple hair, and they found three UFOS without even trying. Now they’ll try.
DeLonge hasn’t been called in for a debriefing — yet. But maybe he should be. I took another look at Track No. 3 recently. Mighty suspicious lyrics, I thought:
I’m not like you guys
I’m not like you …
Where’s my mother, biofather?
Biofather? That sounds a lot like “My dad’s an alien.”