Here’s a fun fact that you might not have known about the X-ray backscatter machines, that I just learned from this scintillating report of two Denver International Airport TSA agents being canned because they had a conspiracy to pat down the crotches attractive men: the screener who operates the machine is required to enter “male” or “female” into the computer system. If you enter female and the person is actually male, it’ll automatically indicate that the person coming through the machine is, well, packing.

Over the course of several months, the two Denver TSA agents in question used this loophole to take survey after survey of vulnerable airline passengers that one of the TSA agents found especially attractive. 

“He related that when a male he finds attractive comes to be screened by the scanning machine he will alert another TSA screener to indicate to the scanning computer that the party being screened is a female,” a law enforcement report reads. “When the screener does this, the scanning machine will indicate an anomaly in the genital area and this allows (the male TSA screener) to conduct a pat-down search of that area.”

The TSA first learned of the scheme last November, but did not take action until months later when a supervisor caught the employees in the act. When confronted, the female agent “admitted that she has done this for (the male TSA officer) at least 10 other times” and “knew that doing so would allow (the male TSA officer) to perform a pat down on a male passenger that (the male TSA screener) found attractive.”

Technicallllllly, that’s assault, though I’m sure the TSA is not going to go the extra mile and contact any of the gentlemen who were checked for extra carry-on baggage. After all, I’m sure at least several members of the Homeland Security Committee in either house of Congress will happily inform you that the TSA is so woefully underfunded that they are seldom able to screen out the more aggressive junk-touchers. For all they knew, until the scheme was discovered, this guy was employee of the month for his impressive, unbridled commitment to the less desirable aspects of his job.

The most comforting part about this story is that these people are in charge of making sure that terrorists do not hijack our planes.