Xi Jinping (China): All Chinese chemical engineers are dangerous. More so if they are communist. And even more so they are president of the People’s Republic of China. Xi Jinping is one of those guys to whom, in a Mexican restaurant, you pass the hot sauce, and his mind turns immediately to the ulcerative effect it would have on the wounds of prisoners in his concentration camps.
Hamad Al Thani (Qatar): The new Islamic imperialism involves taking over huge soccer clubs. It is dangerous because, although they have the money to buy them, they manage them terribly, placing us on the verge of the supporter’s riot that will give rise to the First European Football War. It is likely to be the war with the most casualties in history.
Nicolás Maduro (Venezuela): Wodehouse did not know Maduro, but he defined him perfectly: “Had his brain been constructed of silk, he would have been hard put to it to find sufficient material to make a canary a pair of cami-knickers.” There is nothing more dangerous than an idiot.
Pedro Castillo (Peru): He has formed a government with prestigious ministers who are being investigated for their links to Sendero Luminoso, a Marxist-Leninist-Maoist terrorist group that boasts, among its merits, of having assassinated 70,000 Peruvians.
Vladimir Putin (Russia): He’s the guy you’d always want to have on your side, so you can have drinks at his cocktail parties without the fear of dropping dead on the carpet.
Purificación Santos (president of my former residents’ committee): She would walk her husband on a leash around the landing. In the committee meetings, her only concern seemed to be changing the handrail on the stairs, which we did every year until we began to suspect that the guy who came to put the new one in was giving the old lady a commission. And whenever she engaged in any kind of conflict with a neighbor, she would put Operation Bleach into action, which consisted of emptying bottles of bleach over the head of her opponents when they came out of the doorway. She is the typical old lady with the decapitated busts of those tenants who delayed a couple of days the payment.
Joe Biden (USA): Can you be a lovable old man who doesn’t know anything and always seems to be waiting for someone to bring him his slippers, and at the same time be considered a dangerous guy? Of course you can. The president of one of the great powers of the West cannot be more lost than a flea on a bald patch.
Mohammad Hasan Akhund (Afghanistan): He is the Taliban leader of the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan, that country from which Joe Biden pulled out of like Vietnam after saying that it would never be like Vietnam, and which fell into the hands of the terrorists 24 hours later. Those were the hands of this mullah.
The Unscrupulous Scoundrels: I include them in the list even though they are already former presidents because they are really more dangerous than a monkey with guns. I am referring to José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero (Spain), Evo Morales (Bolivia), Barack Obama (United States). Of the three, the one who is not becoming a millionaire in shady business is always pulling strings behind the scenes for bad guys and a variety of terrorists; as for the third one, he has not lost the opportunity to prove that he can be a much worse former president than president, which is a stratospheric achievement in his particular career towards total incompetence.
Kim Jong Un (North Korea): The only North Korean who is more dangerous than Kim Jong Un is his hairdresser.
Itxu Díaz is a Spanish journalist, political satirist and author. He has written nine books on topics as diverse as politics, music, and smart appliances. He is a contributor to the Daily Beast, the Daily Caller, National Review, the American Conservative, The American Spectator, and Diario Las Américas in the United States, and is a columnist for several Spanish magazines and newspapers. He was also an adviser to the Ministry for Education, Culture, and Sports in Spain. Follow him on Twitter at @itxudiaz or visit his website: www.itxudiaz.com.
Translated by Joel Dalmau
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