April 1, 2011
The Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB) announced today, in the first of a series of stunning announcements, that its television subsidiary the Public Broadcasting System (PBS) will be replacing the defunct Bill Moyers Journal with a new weekly program, Ann Coulter’s Far Out Journey.
The Coulter show is one of several dramatic changes to the public broadcasting network composed of PBS and its corporate sibling National Public Radio (NPR). The changes are the result of major upheavals in the wake of the firing of NPR commentator Juan Williams and covert 60 Minutes-style videos from journalist James O’Keefe showing NPR executives entertaining financial offers from “donors” they believed to be representing the Muslim Brotherhood. The shift in approach is also a direct consequence of the Republican and Tea Party victories in the U.S. House and Senate in the 2010 elections.
Liberals throughout Washington and the media were outraged at the news, with MSNBC’s Chris Matthews labeling the changes a “Tea Party Media Coup.” Said an indignant Bill Moyers: “Public broadcasting is ours. The American taxpayer bought and paid for this as a gift to liberalism. Who do these right-wing ideologues think they are? We had to tolerate Bill Buckley in the beginning and it was a huge mistake. Lyndon warned me the SOB would be taping those damn shows forever and we gave the guy free rein to deconstruct us for another 26 years after Lyndon died! ‘The Great Society this, the Great Society that. Ronald Reagan thinks this, Xerxes said that.’ My God! Never again! It’s outrageous to think conservatives have any say about the operation of public broadcasting. Just pay the bill and shut up!”
New York Times columnist and PBS analyst David Brooks reportedly sniffed: “These Tea Party people don’t even have creases in their pants.”
The pairing of the conservative Coulter with what some see as the slightly more liberal culture of PBS will begin with Coulter investigating what a CPB spokesperson termed off-the-record as “absolutely bizarre ideas from human history” such as: “Marriage between a man and a woman”; “Islamic radicals were responsible for 9/11 and not George Bush” and “Is a human baby really a baby?” Coulter, in what one insider briskly termed a “rocky start,” has startled the PBS bureaucracy by tartly observing these ideas and others are “not only not bizarre, you are bizarre.”
An initial bid for Coulter to replace Brooks in his Friday back-and-forths on The PBS NewsHour with liberal former Democratic operative Mark Shields was resisted. Said an agitated PBS spokesman: “First, Mr. Shields is not a liberal and a Democratic operative. He’s a PBS analyst. Second, Mr. Brooks creases his pants. Enough said.” In return for Brooks keeping his PBS job, Coulter was allowed to do a show discussing the new Steven Spielberg/James O’Keefe film “Schiller’s List.” The controversial film is the tale of supposedly sophisticated liberal white media urbanites unable to correctly play a Georgetown drinking game of “spot the bigot.”
The move to hire Coulter comes as CPB announced a significant revamping of its approach to journalism, with an emphasis on “diversity” or, as one CPB source who declined to be named described it, “getting these bastards out of our stash.”
IN A MAJOR CHANGE to the executive suite of NPR, Fox News has announced that its own president, Roger Ailes, has been granted a “public service leave of absence” to replace Vivian Schiller and “any other executive at PBS, NPR and CPB worth noting.” Ms. Schiller, who launched the NPR imbroglio with the firing of Williams, was recently forced out after the O’Keefe videos became public. Fox chairman Rupert Murdoch released a statement saying “we at Fox are proud to be able to respond to the call of so many Americans to do something to save America’s public broadcasting network.” Ms. Schiller was reportedly undergoing therapy with her psychiatrist or publicist and could not be reached for comment.
Murdoch’s statement, designed as an olive branch to the liberal bureaucracy at the public broadcasting network, was borrowed extensively from recent remarks by current CPB president Patricia Harrison. Said Murdoch:
Today, Fox News responded positively to an invitation from our elected leaders to significantly expand public broadcasting stations’ ability to acquire programming that they feel best serves the needs of their communities.
Every day, these stations serve the informational and educational needs of the public with programming that contributes to the health and well-being of the country in a way that would not be possible without federal support. The American people overwhelmingly agree that public broadcasting is a service worthy of the federal investment, hence the invitation to Fox News to partner in breathing new life into a network that is supported by the tax dollars of millions of Americans of all political persuasions.
In lieu of cutting off funding from the federal government or returning the recent $1.8 million grant to NPR from left-wing billionaire George Soros’s Open Society Institute, the new arrangement with Mr. Ailes, negotiated by Minnesota Congresswoman and House Tea Party Caucus chair Michele Bachmann, also provides matching funding from the Koch Family Foundations and their “Even More Open Society Institute.” After consulting the Reverend Jesse Jackson on the need for a “rainbow of inclusion” conservative white brothers David and Charles Koch have been added to the NPR board along with economist Thomas Sowell and entrepreneur Herman Cain — both men reportedly black in spite of repeated liberal assertions to the contrary. Columnist Michelle Malkin, bitterly described as “not really a woman” according to the National Organization for Women, was appointed anyway.
Talks were under way with Brent Bozell of the Media Research Center to serve as the new NPR board chairman, the latter move held up momentarily by a wave of reports of Jonestown-style mass suicides at both NPR and PBS. The reports proved to be false when it was disclosed that Ailes had already removed all Kool-Aid from the premises. The Bozell appointment will be announced later today.
Other programs announced for PBS and NPR will include:
• Levin and Lohan: In an unusual pairing showcasing their respective strengths, leaks from the Federalist Society and the National Enquirer have the bestselling author, legal scholar and talk radio star Mark Levin getting together with the legally-challenged movie star Lindsay Lohan for a weekly series. The premise: Levin repeatedly explains the Constitution to Lohan and Lohan repeatedly explains to Levin the art of getting out of a limousine with no underwear in front of the Paparazzi. Viewers will vote as to whether the latter describes liberty or tyranny. In another episode, Levin explains to Lohan that the “takings clause” of the Constitution does not include the right to take home a $2,500 necklace from a jewelry store without paying. Lohan is dumbfounded and fires the psychiatrist and publicist she has been sharing with Vivian Schiller. Next week: Lohan expresses an interest in serving on the Supreme Court when Levin refers to her as “Harriette Blackmun.”
• Rush Hour: Billed as an “insider approach to the business of sports,” Rush Limbaugh discusses staff changes following his purchase of ESPN and the move to name him Commissioner of the National Football League. The following week follows Limbaugh and Donald Trump as they play golf at Trump’s International Golf Club in West Palm Beach, Florida. The two discuss their partnership in buying the St. Louis Rams, answering questions about whether the team will be moved to Cape Girardeau, Missouri, and if that move is a sign of what CNN reports as the talk radio star’s “well-known, long-time support for slavery.” Rush discusses CNN with his caddy, Rick Sanchez. Trump will respond to allegations the players have been required to produce their birth certificates.
• Conservative Confidential: Hosted by Fox and talk radio star Sean Hannity, the program is designed to give viewers a confidential, backstage look at how conservatives really speak to one another when they think liberals aren’t listening. In the opening episode Hannity and former Alaska governor Sarah Palin will be seen candidly discussing the best way to club a baby seal to death and whether it is preferable to feed grandmothers Purina Dog Chow or Meow Mix before stripping them of their Social Security and dumping them into Alaskan snow drifts without access to universal health care.
• Reagan on Reagan: Produced by Linda McMahon, the show’s World Wrestling Federation format will feature conservative Michael Reagan regularly beating the living crap out of his nutty left-wing brother Ronald Reagan, Jr.
• David Brock: Witness: The next stunning exposé from James O’Keefe is also scheduled. In the first episode, originally set to air on Fox but now headlining on PBS, hidden videos reveal what many have suspected for years — that Media Matter’s honcho David Brock has in fact been a longtime and top secret plant for the farthest quarters of the American Right. “He was Roger Ailes’ and R. Emmett Tyrrell’s creation,” gleefully confided one Fox News staffer, referring to the founder and editor of The American Spectator where Brock once hung his investigative hat. “Totally theirs. Brock was the Manchurian Journalist. No Media Matters, no huge Fox ratings. It was as simple as that, and Brock stepped-up to the plate for a deep-cover mission. It was a top-secret joint venture designed to sting George Soros. Now Roger and Bob say Brock has accomplished his mission and it’s time to end the charade.”
• Union Leader Sumo Wrestling with Chris Christie: Another Linda McMahon production, cameras follow public employee union leaders as they are led along a primrose path by Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, suddenly finding themselves locked in a rubber room alone with the Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie. Christie is featured naked, wearing only the traditional silk loin cloth and shouting: “Come on! Make my day! I’m the fat Ronald Reagan, baby!”
AS THE NEWS ROCKED the capital, in a separate story, House Speaker John Boehner broke today with longtime conservative anti-tax activist Grover Norquist as the GOP controlled House voted a “progressive tax on liberalism.” The tax is modeled after the seemingly perpetual left-wing demands for the taxation of various branches of the capitalist philosophy.
The “Boehner Is Taxing Eternally Me” or “BITE ME” tax as it was quickly called, would be imposed on union leadership salaries (95%), teaching(50%), abortions (150%), public employees (75%), the sermons of Mainline Protestant Ministers and any activities by UN diplomats in America (3,000%), plus books, films and thoughts supporting global warming (200% times projected warming hockey stick temperatures) and any thought, word, deed, footprint or movement of any kind by Michael Moore (5,000 %). The latter tax, driven by the left-wing movie director and activist’s insistence that he was not being taxed enough, was said by the Congressional Budget Office to be capable of erasing every national deficit on earth within a week. Moore’s various mansions and apartments, beginning with a multi-million dollar estate on Lake Michigan, will be expropriated as homes for the homeless, causing a surprising cry of shock from Moore who exclaimed: “I didn’t mean me!”
In a related story former Vice President Al Gore reacted to news of the new taxes on global warming activism by declaring bankruptcy. According to mainstream news media reports that the mainstream news media has grudgingly confirmed but is refusing to publish, estranged wife Tipper Gore reports the distraught former Vice President has returned to Portland, Oregon, where he is holding six dozen hotel hostesses hostagettes for an environmentally friendly massage sponsored by the Clinton Foundation. Shouts of “globe warming” and “its Bush’s fault” have been heard coming through the door of a local Motel 6 in accents ranging from Tennessee to Arkansas.
The building is being observed by diplomatic security from the U.S. Department of State. The State Department, in a terse statement, insisted there were international implications that necessitated filming each woman as she entered the building along with getting a complete set of fingerprints, DNA, addresses, phone numbers, saliva, bust size, e-mails, credit card data and driver’s license information. The Department refused to answer a query as to whether the women’s phones had been tapped or the rooms in question bugged. The new PBS show Is She Legal? anchored by former New York Giants star Lawrence Taylor, reports the demand for a valid driver’s license was required to accurately ascertain each woman’s date of birth.
“She knows where they live,” one State Department aide reported, without identifying who “she” was. “She knows what’s really going on in this world. She’s no April Fool.”