Letter From Nigeria...Or Was it the DNC? | The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Letter From Nigeria…Or Was it the DNC?
by

I just received this from a colleague and at first blush I had to admit I couldn’t say whether it read more like the spam filling up my AOL account, or the ‘clean energy economy’ proposals that somehow rose from their Carter-era grave and are now kicking around town (edited for length):

DEAR SENATOR,

I WRITE TO YOU TO PRESENT A PROPOSITION THAT SHOULD BE OF GREAT BENEFIT FOR BOTH OF US.  SOME COLLEAGUES ASSURE ME THAT YOU ARE A PERSON OF HIGHEST INTEGRITY AND HONESTY. THEREFORE I AM WILLING TO PUT COMPLETE TRUST IN YOU.

MY UNCLE WAS THE NIGERIAN MINISTER FOR RENEWABLE ENERGY, BUT DISAPPEARED UNDER DUBIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES 7 YEARS AGO.  HE HAS NOW BEEN DECLARED LEGALLY DEAD AND I AM HIS SOLE HEIR. AS SUCH I HAVE COME INTO POSSESSION OF A SOLAR TECHNOLOGY THAT EXCEEDS THE PERFORMANCE OF ALL CURRENT SOLAR SYSTEMS BY A FACTOR OF MORE THAN 20 TIMES….

I AM UNABLE TO FIND PRIVATE INVESTORS WHO HAVE THE PATIENCE TO WAIT FIVE YEARS FOR THE ESTABLISHMENT OF PRODUCTION AND THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CONSUMER MARKET.  YOU CAN HELP ME CONTACT YOUR AMERICAN DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY FOR A RENEWABLE ENERGY GRANT.  IF WE CAN ACQUIRE A LOAN GUARANTEE OF 535 MILLION$US, WE WILL BE ABLE TO ESTABLISH PRODUCTION FACILITIES IN YOUR STATE AND CREATE OVER 700 JOBS.  YOU WILL GET THE HONOR OF BEING FIRST SPEAKER AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE AND PRIMARY RIBBON CUTTER….

I AM SURE YOU CAN APPRECIATE HOW THIS TECHNOLOGY WILL MAKE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA A WORLD LEADER IN ENERGY TECHNOLOGY…  YOU ARE THE FIRST PERSON TO WHOM I MAKE THIS OFFER.  HOWEVER DELAY IN RECEIVING THE NECESSARY FUNDS WILL PUT GREAT HARDSHIP ON MY FAMILY AND ON THE FRAGILE ENVIRONMENT, WHICH LEADERS SUCH AS YOU HAVE NOTED ONLY HAS TEN YEARS LEFT BEFORE ITS COLLAPSE UNLESS NEW ENERGY TECHNOLOGY, SUCH AS THE ONE IN WHICH I HAVE POSSESSION, IS IMPLEMENTED ON A GRAND SCALE.

IN SHORT, IF I DO NOT GET FINANCING IN THE NEXT 15 DAYS, I WILL HAVE TO TAKE THIS OFFER TO THE CHINESE LEADERS, WHO ARE ALREADY VERY AWARE OF ITS EXISTENCE AND WHO HAVE ALREADY ESTABLISHED AN INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX SUITABLE FOR PRODUCTION OF MY UNIQUE PRODUCT AND CAN EMPLOYEE 150,000 SKILLED WORKERS….

SINCE THERE IS SUCH LIMITED TIME, I HUMBLY REQUEST YOU SEND WITH GREATEST DISPATCH: A DEPOSIT OF ONLY 2,000$US TO RESERVE YOUR SHARES IN THE FIRM, YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER FOR THE DEPOSIT OF THE 50MILLION$US, AND A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION TO YOUR AMERICAN SECRETARY OF ENERGY.

SINCERELY,

GOODDEAL ROBERT, ESQ

The author could ghost-write for the next State of the Union speech. Having read the last few, I am sure no one would notice.

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