The reports of the demise of Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey were premature. The Circus now has come to town! The clown car of 25. The “Incredible Sleepy Joe” who can sleep while you talk to him, and then you sleep while he talks to you. Pocahontas the Indian. Spartacus. Red Bernie and His Magic Breadlines. Pete the Squirt and his combined Juggling/High-Wire Act, as he balances mastering the complex economic and social affairs of the greatest nation in human history and serving as commander in chief of its army, navy, air force, Marines, coast guard, and auxiliary forces while he also juggles the mess in his modest-sized Indiana city that is on the verge of exploding over racial tensions between the Black community and the local police, both united in the sense that he is not up to running South Bend. And of course the Skateboard Heroics of Computer-Hacking, Drunk-Driving, Mexican-Imposturing Irish-Scottish Robbie O’Rourke — the man with no ears in his hair, no hair in his ears, flossed gums, and more White Privilege than vanilla bean ice cream.
Twenty of the 25 clowns are debating for two nights, in manageable groups of ten, to allow MSNBC enough time to ask each one half a question. The thing is, while five or six of the main clowns still are polling in numbers above 2 percent, most of them have sunk like the Bismarck to the bottom of the sea.
I just can’t bear watching so many people make such fools of themselves in public all at once. I have just watched the past four weeks of New York Mets baseball games. With the exception of Jacob deGrom, Pete Alonso, a recently revived Todd Frazier, and Jeff McNeil, it has become unbearable… watching so many people make such fools of themselves in public all at once. And now the Democrats. So, call it what you may, but I hereby offer the 20 Democrats polling under 2 percent five surefire “woke” ideas to propose during the debates that rapidly will recharge the rockets on any sputtering Leftist presidential bid and lift them to unimagined stratospheres:
A core value in Democrat Left theology is the socialist (i.e., communist) belief that government must assure equal results. Thus, even if you cannot read, you still have a G-d-given right to a college degree. Even to a Harvard, Stanford, UCLA, USC degree — assuming your parents can get you onto the rowing team. Or the pool-wading team. Either way, as the Leftists say: row v. wade.
To assure you get into college, the SAT scores do not have to count too much. Indeed, soon they will not count at all. In fact, students applying to the Ivy League will not even have to know how to spell “SAT” as long as they can spell “LOL.” They even will be able to get in if they spell “Ivy League” as “IV.” Just as long as they have a compelling life story to tweet in under 140 karaktirs about the disadvantage they have suffered by living outside Malibu or Manhattan’s Central Park East.
So, how about proposing “Equal Results in Presidential Nominations”? That is, just as the kids soon can skip the SAT exams, why not skip the debates, skip the cable TV fora (forums), skip the Sunday talk shows, skip the convention — and just accept all 25 as the Democrat Presidential nominee? Yes, all of them. Open Admissions! Make it a November ballot of 28 names: 25 Democrats, Trump on the GOP line, Jill Stein for the Green Party, and some tunnel-visioned Libertarian Party candidate to pull away some Republican votes in a tight race, to balance the magic of Jill Stein?
The Democrats are busy trying to buy off college kids with money, just as they did a century ago with the new Italian, Irish, Polish, Russian, German, and other immigrants at Ellis Island, when they bought their votes. It always works. Most people will gladly sell their vote to the highest bidder. Indeed, that is the theory behind the Democrats’ Open Borders/Sanctuary Cities policies. Money buys votes.
Thus, Bernie the Communist and Princess Speaking Bull and all the other socialists-communists now are promising college kids: “If you vote for me, I will guarantee you free college tuition, and if you already took out loans I will guarantee to expunge all your debts. Uh, you do know what ‘expunge’ means, right? LOL. It means u vote 4 me, and eye give u like $100,000 that you can use to buy weed in Denver… or just live in a tent in San Francisco or LA and use the money for typhus shots.”
So, with Red Bernie and Pocahontas having bought the Millennial vote, here is a great alternative for the bottom feeders in the clown car:
Howzabout a zero-percent candidate shooting up from the pack with this proposal: Buy off the whole American Middle Class by promising Home Mortgage Loan Forgiveness! That’s right — aren’t you ashamed that it took a conservative Republican Orthodox rabbi to come up with such an obvious agenda proposal for a Left Democrat Presidential primary? Well, don’t worry. You can be like Joe Biden, and just plagiarize it. No one will ever know because, since you are Left Democrats, the Left Media never will disclose that you plagiarized it from an Orthodox rabbi writing in The American Spectator.
It is so simple: All home mortgage loans forgiven. Do you realize how many more votes you can buy off with that one — instead buying off a bunch of college potheads who will forget to vote for you anyway on Election Day 2020 because, uh, like, wasn’t the election in, uh, 2016 —Whatever!? This way you buy off the entire Middle Class. We lugs and working stiffs vote. You can turn it into the biggest landslide since Hillary trounced Trump, who had no possible path to victory. Forget about “Medicare for All” and “Free College for All.” This idea is dynamite: Free Home Ownership for All.
Who will pay for it? That’s easy. Just tax the Top One Percenters at a 99.9% tax rate. Then confiscate all their jewelry. Their yachts. Their private airplanes. Their mansions. Their iPhones. Their kids. As Bernie said, “They will be delighted to pay it.” Just like in Russia, where they have all those nifty bread lines. (Pumpernickel, borscht, and salted herring — yummy!) If that’s not enough, tax the banks at 99.9%. Think of all the money that will come pouring in. Heck, you may be able to promise a Free Summer Home for every American, too — just like Joe Biden and Socialist Bernie and all the others have. Every American has a G-d-given right to own two houses. (Applause.)
Look, because of all these human beings exhaling carbon dioxide, the world is going to end in twelve years, right? A Holocaust is coming — y’know, concentration camps like they have in movie theaters, where all these people get packed in to a small room, with no light, and all the doors closed, and with Nazi Guards with flashlights enforcing “No Talking,” and stuff. Y’know, just like the Holocaust. (No, idiot — movie theaters are not like death camps. I said very clearly: concentration camps.)
Anyway — er, anyways — we have been banning plastic bags and straws, but the world still is ending soon. Plastic bans are not enough. It’s too late. Like, it’s not a joke! This is serious! It’s really going to end in twelve years, unless…
Why not end Global Warming with this bold proposal that no one yet has devised, but that is a surefire winner? Ready?
Promise that, if you are elected President, you will enter into an International Accord in Paris that will make the Paris Climate Accord disappear in insignificance by comparison, by which all countries in the world will agree unanimously to declare a specific date and time — say, for example, August 28, 2020 at 3:43 p.m. EST — at which moment every single American and every single person in the entire world will turn on their air conditioners for one hour at 55 degrees Fahrenheit (12.7778 degrees Celsius, whatever that is). The combined international freezing at that one internationally unified time will instantly end Global Warming, cool the climate, restore the polar caps, and — most importantly — will save Greenland and Iceland, so we can get the extra armies in “Risk” by having North America and Europe.
Any serious Democrat Presidential candidate has to think: Intersectionality. Identity groups.
Spartacus and Kamala have led the way for reparations, now backed by Pete the Squirt, who needs to show Blacks in South Bend how he really is one of them. It is an Al Sharpton Fantasy: Get the descendants of poverty-stricken immigrants who arrived in America by steerage after slavery ended, and the descendants of others who gave their lives fighting for the Union armies to free the slaves — get them to cough up their hard-earned cash to pay reparations to Barack Obama, LeBron James, Beyoncé, Louis Farrakhan, Al Sharpton, Don Lemon, Maxine Waters, and Other Worthies.
The below-2-percent candidates need to find alternative Identity groups that have not already been purchased by the pack leaders with promised reparations. Here is where the brilliance lies: No one has bought off the Chinese yet. They work their heads and hearts off. They devote themselves to the rules of our society. They study their tails off. Get the highest grades. Comport themselves with the highest respect and dignity. And we repay them by banning them from Harvard because they are too smart.
Same with those kids from India, who now have a monopoly on American Spelling Bees. They study day and night, memorize dictionaries, prepare themselves with education and knowledge. And what do the Democrats give them? Nothing. Nada. (A Russian word meaning “nothing.” “Please repeat the word and use it in a sentence.” “Nada. From Vulgar Latin and Old Spanish. As in ‘They give us nada thing when we arrived here because our parents were from India.’ Nada.”) Zilch. (A colloquial term for nothing. “Please repeat the word and use it in a sentence.” “Zilch. Of uncertain origin. As in ‘The kids in the Spelling Bee who do not have parents hailing from India can’t spell Zilch.’ Zilch.”)
Also the kids whose parents are engineers from Russia and Ukraine. Their parents make them learn to play the violin as well as the Chinese, and they force them to learn science and math. No one has bought them off yet. They are ripe for the pickins. Even the actress Phoebe Cates deserves reparations because she is the child patrilineally of some Russian named “Katz” who changed the name to “Cates” so no one ever would know (oops!) and matrilineally of a Chinese mother. That’s a two-fer!
We Americans have watched this Racism, Sinophobia, Indophobia, Russophobia, and Phoebephobia — and we have tolerated it for too long. They have become the Basketful of Ignorables. Almost none of these kids gets the multi-million-dollar contracts that other kids who barely can read or speak grammatically in any language get for baseball, football, basketball, twerking, and acting like they were bleached and lynched by Black guys yelling “Maga, Maga, Maga.” Seriously, name five professional baseball/football/basketball/Grammy Twerkers whose parentage descends from China. From India. From Russia-Ukraine. (OK, there’s always one Russian who is thirteen feet tall (3.9624 meters, whatever those are) who ends up in the NBA for a season until the team realizes the guy can’t dribble effectively since, because of his height, it takes ten minutes for the ball to bounce from his hand to the floor and back.) As for baseball, the only Chinese player that comes to mind is this legendary moment at Dodger Stadium that brought to life the Abbot & Costello routine “Who’s on First?”
Reparations for those whose parents were from India, China, and Russia-Ukraine. Let Joe Biden try buying off people from India by giving them 7-Eleven and Dunkin’ Donuts stores. The real power-packed campaign pledge is to pay them cash reparations in the multi-millions. Get the money by taxing Jussie Smollett, all his co-stars and everyone else associated with “Empire,” everyone who tweeted in his defense, and all of Michelle Obama’s friends at 99.9%. They will be “delighted to pay” from their own reparations that they will be getting. What can be more perfect for a Democrat to propose — a two-fer: (i) reparations for the Basketful of Ignorables and (ii) redistribution of the wealth.
This one is for the bottom-most Democrat candidates — Kirsten Gillibrand (“Gay Rights!”), Bill deBlasio (proving that a mayor of New York City can be just as effective as one in Los Angeles and in South Bend), and Amy Klobuchar (whose energy has plummeted ever since mental health services ordered that an electronic monitoring device be attached to all her hair combs).
Among Left Democrats, everyone loves a good Special Counsel investigation. It does not matter who is being investigated or how hokey and preposterous the allegation, as long as it is not a Democrat being investigated (say, like, the Virginia Governor for having a Blackface and a Klansman on his Med School yearbook page, or like a Virginia Attorney General being accused of rape every few days by another believable woman of excellent repute who would have no conceivable wrongful motive for falsifying the claim).
CNN needs a good solid investigation to get back its lost viewers and stay on the air, now that Malaysian Airlines has stuff figured out, Michael “Cash Cab” Cohen is in the hoosegow, Michael Avenatti is being imagined in slick men’s clothing bearing stylish alternating black-and-white horizontal stripes, and John Dean is back at the taxidermist for a fitting. But whom to investigate?
It has to be someone important, along the lines of the President. Someone who could get impeached after the “Impeach 45! Season” plays its course. Cannot be a liberal, a Left Democrat. They already hit Justices Thomas, Gorsuch, and Kavanaugh with their best shots. So that leaves only Justice Alito and Justice Roberts. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo: Roberts is the Chief Justice, so an investigation of him gets higher ratings.
But on what grounds?
Oh, c’mon, Democrats! You don’t need “grounds.” This is not coffee. This is politics. You get some Brit in M-5 or some James Bond movie to compile a dossier on Roberts. Place him in some hotels he never set foot in. Lurid allegations. Like, maybe the Chief Justice spent a weekend unnoticed on a secret trip to the Dominican Republic where he personally re-stocked all the hotel room “honor bars.” Make it Intersectional, and have it include something about transvestites or binary gender fluidity or unisex lavatories. Throw in some micturition or sternutation (because those words sound so sinister and severe). Whatever — it’s not your job to fabricate the bogus dossier; that’s what you pay the professionals and their high-priced Seattle law firms to do. And you promise that, if you get the Democrat nomination, you personally will not rest until Chief Justice John Roberts is impeached and then put on trial before a learned panel of Obama Judges.
This is the guaranteed sure-fire “woke” plan to turn any moribund Democrat Presidential candidacy into a serious run. Better steal these ideas quick before the Scottish-Irish Robbie O’Rourke swoops by on his skateboard and speeds away with them faster than a drunk hit-and-run driver on his way to an ear-wax swabbing.