Now that the cancel culture crazies are trying to change the names of birds to avoid stigmatizing I don’t know who, I don’t want to pass up my contribution to the updating of the ornithological guide 2021, with the inclusion of some species that I have been able to discover in recent months:
The Winged Fauci or Silver-Tongued Gold Beak. Tiny and effeminate bird, with waterproof plumage, similar in appearance to Tweety. Whether it be raining cats and dogs or emails, this little bird does not get wet. Every time it opens its mouth, bats go to town in Wuhan.
The Book-Buster. An ancient species. Its superpower is to pounce on Amazon books it doesn’t like, peck at them taking great care not to read them, and finally throw them into a fire. Later it climbs to the top of a pigeon loft and tries to convince the pigeons that its heroic action has freed them from fascism.
The Knee-Dropper. Of leafy plumage and thick guilty conscience, the Knee-Dropper, sometimes called Caker, proliferates in places where television cameras abound. Of the Cowardlium family, it sometimes even drops a tear as it bends its knee, or whatever birds have there.
The Yellow Terror. Bird of prey. It has slanting eyes and feeds on its own kind, whom it deceives, tortures, and finally devours, to the unanimous applause of the Moderate Hens.
The Moderate Hen. A chubby and white-rumped hen, characterized by its determination to chirp endlessly, in its efforts to convince all its kind that it is in fact a sound idea to put the fox in charge of the coop. It inevitably ends up telling the rest, “The fox is not bad; we are the ones who made it that way.”
The I-Love-Thee-Kamala. Bird and poet. Cheesier than a water lily. With striking multicolored plumage so ugly it makes hyenas cry. It knows not how to rhyme, but its adepts love it so much that they cry even when it recites from the phone book. It has the very strange peculiarity of laying an egg every time it sees Kamala Harris on television, never ceasing to astonish scientists.
The Femi-Bird. A species with a worrying tendency to be overweight, ugly as an alopecic monkey, capable of seeing machismo even in the behavior of the climate. Males are not usually born from its eggs, but if one does dare to hatch, the Femi-Bird devours it quickly as a sort of compensation for historical damage.
The Trumpavore. A very violent bird. It proliferates on both the right and the left, although it is genuinely progressive. Its journalistic version, the Penned Trumpavore, feeds almost exclusively on hateful headlines and cackles relentlessly every time Trump runs for office.
The Hahahahaha. This species is a member of the family of right-wing columnists who characteristically crack up laughing every time the Trumpavore makes a fool of itself, which is several times a day.
The One-Eyed Humorist. Distantly related to Hahahahaha, it differs from the latter in that its right eye is missing. It believes itself to be endowed with a great sense of humor, but all its jokes are conditioned by its severed and dull mutilated view of life. It is extremely difficult to tell if it has excreted a joke or another substance.
The Woke Parrot. A tiresome parrot that repeats the same slogans it learned in some summer course at Harvard over and over again. Don’t even think of hunting it because it is just one of a whole parrot army, of dubious sexual inclination, capable of setting fire to all of Manhattan for any cause stupid enough. Most of the Woke Parrots work as advisers to Biden or write words for him in newspapers full of One-Eyed Humorists.
The Bolivarian White Bellbird. It is the noisiest bird in the world. Although of Venezuelan origin, it also roams freely in Cuba, Bolivia, and Argentina. It is a close friend to the Yellow Terror and is held in high regard by the Moderate Hen, from whom it steals food.
The Weirdo-Vulture. A large bird of prey, intimidating in appearance, and extremely aggressive that, however, is vegan. While the other vultures eat carrion in their sauce, the Weirdo-Vulture nibbles raw celery roots wearing an expression of intense desire to die as soon as possible.
Itxu Díaz is a Spanish journalist, political satirist and author. He has written nine books on topics as diverse as politics, music, and smart appliances. He is a contributor to the Daily Beast, the Daily Caller, National Review, the American Conservative, The American Spectator, and Diario Las Américas in the United States, and is a columnist for several Spanish magazines and newspapers. He was also an adviser to the Ministry for Education, Culture, and Sports in Spain. Follow him on Twitter at @itxudiaz or visit his website: www.itxudiaz.com.
Translated by Joel Dalmau
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