Ask Amelia: Be Your Best Valentine
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Ed note: Lets have a warm welcome for Amelia Hamilton, as she graces the Spectacle blog with her best advice for how to negotiate a happy Valentine’s Day for you and your sweetie. 

Welcome to Ask Amelia! Once a week, I will answer your questions, solve your quandaries, and life coach you through the trials and tribulations of life. For my first two installments, it’s all about Valentine’s Day and questions of the heart.

 

Without further ado, here we go.

Dear Amelia,

If blondes have more fun and redheads are more fun, then how come I’m so fond of brunettes.

@OhioCoastie

~

Dear Coastie,

While it is said that blondes have more fun, I’ve never heard it said that they’re more fun for those around them. Are they only looking for a good time? Do they care about yours? These are the questions that must be asked. Redheads, on the other hand, are fun to be around, but it’s the fun of a crazy soulless ginger. That could get old pretty quickly. Now, brunettes. Brunettes are the whole package, so it’s no wonder we’re your favorite.

In the end, you might meet a wonderful blonde or redhead anyway, so remain open to all possibilities. Semper peratus, as the kids say.

~

Dear Amelia,

So my babysitter has a very unrealistic image of what a relationship/love should be. Like Disney movies and memes on Facebook like “my boyfriend loves me so much he carries a tampon around for me bc he knows I always forget mine.” How do I nicely tell her that this is why she’s perpetually single?

A Meddling Yenta

~

Dear Yenta,

Is this babysitter an adult, or the 14 year old across the street? If she’s 14, a couple of gentle, funny reminders that no relationship can be like that in the long term are all she needs. Life will teach her what relationships are all about, but it would be kind of you to help her manage her expectations. Watch Frozen with her and comment on how that plan works out for Anna.

If she’s an adult, it depends on how close you are. If you’re not close, gentle hints and Frozen are still all you can do. If you’re close, however, this calls for more…robust measures. If she’s going to end up alone because she’s waiting for Prince Charming, just talk to her about it. Tell her what relationships and marriage are really like, and how that actually means you’re connecting on a deeper level. It makes you stronger as a team.

Also, nobody should ever want her man to carry her tampons. That’s just weird.

~

Dear Amelia,

What’s the perfect way to celebrate a first Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend without getting caught up in the nonsense of it all?

Signed,

Smitten but Practical

~

Dear S&P,

I’m of that mind that, if you’re truly happy, Valentine’s Day isn’t about the flash but is about setting a day aside to celebrate the person that you appreciate every day. So, do something that speaks to your relationship, something that reflects who you are as a couple. That can be anything from cooking a meal together to rock climbing. What’s your perfect date? That’s what you should do.

He should still send you flowers, though. That’s just how it works.

~

Dear Amelia,

I have 4 stalkers. A middle-aged, out of work conservative red neck who may or may not be divorced and is my neighbor, an older black man with salt and pepper jheri curls who drives a bus for adult daycare in my neighborhood, a married childhood friend who keeps PMing me on FB, and a middle-aged, breast-feeding, married woman who wants me to have a threesome with her and her husband. If I had to choose one as a Valentine, who should it be?

Irresistible

~

Dear Irresistible,

If you’re forcing me to choose one, I have to go with the bus driver, as he’s the only one who is definitely unmarried. However, unless you find yourself attracted to said bus driver, there’s no need to choose any of them. Good friends and dogs also make excellent Valentines.

Want to submit a question? Tweet using #AskAmHam or e-mail askamelia@mail.com

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