Hon. Saddam Hussein
President, CDR-in-Chief
Presidential Palace
Baghdad (or Tikrit, Basra or whatever
palace now applies — please forward)
Iraq

Dear Saddam:

Wanna have some fun? First off, apologies for the familiar greeting form, but I almost feel I know you, having voted three times today and several times in the past in those cable network polls on whether you should be overthrown or subverted from within. (My vote depends largely on whether the guest has been that Ritter fellow or Perle.)

Anyway, to the fun part. Get together a token force of Iraqis from say the royal guard. A squad’s worth’ll do, about eight guys in uniform. Check with Jordan’s King Abdullah next door first, permission very important, and send them across Jordan over to the river. Getting the okay from the Saudis or the Syrians might be problematical now, so go direct, through Amman. Have the squad raise the flag on a couple of rubber boats and start across river, around where the old Allenby Bridge was should be about right.

Once on shore they will come to a tall guy in a foxhole with a rifle. Good lookin’ Caucasian fellow with a good head of gray hair who may be holding the rifle backwards, stock forward. Tell the guys not to worry but to surround him quick before he finds the trigger and shoots himself. Warn them not to be led into any syllogistic discussion about the meaning of the English verb “is.” But to bind him gently, hands behind preferred, and get him back across the River Jordan. Since Abdullah okayed it they’ll have no trouble transporting their quarry back to Baghdad.

Now the fun part. Get him out on the balcony and roust a crowd (you do this part well), hand him the microphone and tell him: “Speech.” He may ask, “How long?” If it’s a hot day, go for a half hour. (You may have to squeeze off an occasional shot to keep their attention). Now the kicker. When he finishes and puts out his hand, you shake it, that’s all. No money. Not one darn dinar. And put him on the next flight out. A mild sedative may be required.

This will not only afford the Western and the Mideastern world an entertainment, there will be something in it for you, too. Can’t say how much because it is still rolling in from the right-wing conspiracy, but you’ll get it all — promise. There is a side benefit. The guy who succeeded him has a mild sense of humor. And this, according to the latest poll result, just may stand you in good stead.

Cheers,

Me

(You got an E-mail address?)