Okay, Martha, I was wrong; being a “babe” isn’t enough to keep the Feds from making a felony case out of trying to save 40 grand when the balloon’s going up the next day and you got it from the horse’s mouth. But ask anybody else with a broker — not an on-line account, but a real guy on the phone who tells you what looks good and what’s not. If that broker has the head of General Motors as another client and Mister G-M hollers “sell me outta G-M” one morning and when your time to talk comes and the broker doesn’t whisper something about lightening up on ol’ G-M, then you gotta right to fillet ‘im like one of those fancy fish dishes you cook up for King World, which is owned by Viacom, which owns CBS, and nearly every other communication outlet except the Oglala Sioux smoke and blanket service.
I know you’re going to say 40 grand wasn’t enough to sneeze at, but at a jury trial, 40 grand to people who got nothing else to do but go down to the courthouse every day is going to be big. Before that time arrives — and if the East Coast sniper case is any indication, it could be years — you gotta do something about that image.
Know this. A model with brains is a weapon of mass destruction. Women shun her. (Where are the feminists hollering in your behalf here?) Men fear her. See that fed tremble when he read your indictment? A model who carves a piece of the action for herself with K-Mart, stamps her own name on her own company and owns more than half of it and walks around on the clean part of Long Island unmarried makes Saddam Hussein look like Shirley Temple.
Something’s gotta be done before trial time and we’re not talking about breakin’ an arm running into a camera. Speaking of cameras, did you know that the Martha Stewart story led the CBS and ABC evening newscasts Wednesday? Led them, and on a day when the President of the United States, the Prime Minister of Israel, and the Prime Minister of Palestine had agreed on the outlines of peace in the Middle East! You blanked ’em, babe. And with Peter Jennings in Aqaba, Jordan, in person, quietly waiting his turn until the Martha Stewart story got told in New York!
Here’s the plan. Take lessons. You got to keep your passport, so you can travel. Go to Europe under an assumed name and take golf lessons. Practice in your backyard every chance you get, it’s big enough. This year is too late but it’ll give you a year to get in shape. We hit ’em next year. Qualify for the 2004 U.S. Open golf tournament. I know, you’ll have to win a few smaller amateur titles first, but if you can deal with King World, mess up a TV studio kitchen and have somebody else clean up the mess, sub-par golf is a cinch. There’s no one guy like Hootie standing in the gender doorway. A whole association, and they’ll cave, just like the producers at CBS and ABC.
Think of how this changes the game. Martha Stewart makes the cut in the U. S. Open….first woman to … Annika Sorenstam cables good wishes. That other Martha cables Hootie Johnson, again. Every sportswriter grovels, repeats all the self-flagellations he used in the Sorenstam story of the year before. The NYSE closes two hours early to see you make the cut. And, Martha, if the past is really prologue, you win the damn thing! And not in Annika pants, Martha, in a skirt, not too short, but …
There now. We can hear Ashcroft now, can’t we, calling his minions in New York. You do wonders with squash; he’ll do even better with quash. After the clippings from the Annika thing, how could the system withstand the tidal wave of Open Champion Stewart! Sure it’s a challenge, but compared to those you’ve seen, a walk in the park.
I got a list of good teaching pros in Europe. Call me. On a pay phone.