Happy Pseudocon New Year - The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Happy Pseudocon New Year

Of course 2004 was a miserable year. How could it have been otherwise? Many young American lives were spent in the defense of freedom while the Dems, pretending to support the troops, ran the lowest, most execrable of all presidential campaigns. We’ve lost Ronald Reagan and Ray Charles, but think how much we’ve gained.

Conservatives forced the advance of civilization in 2004. Vichy John Kerry lost despite vigorous campaigning in his behalf by CBS, ABC, NBC, the New York Times, the Washington Post, Kofi Annan, and nearly the entire European Union. Even Osama bin Laden tried to help Kerry, but since OBL’s speechwriters had apparently reached the age of 16 (as in M-16 or F-16) he was bereft of their assistance and left to read from DNC talking points in his pre-election threat video. Not only did Dubya defeat Kerry decisively, but women’s beach volleyball was established as an Olympic sport forever more, Tom Daschle is out of work, and the Monster Thickburger debuted to the gasps of the food nannies. In victory shall we, as Churchill prescribed, be magnanimous? Yes, for as long as magnanimity is appropriate. Okay, time’s up.

In 2004, many pitiful spectacles were played on our stage, and it falls to us to judge which was worst. Was it Gunga Dan Rather’s forged case against Dubya’s reelection? Was it the formerly-venerable Paul Volcker’s decision to shill for Kofi and help cover up the Oil-for-Food-for-Bribes-for-Weapons scam? Or was it the attempt by the British Guardian newspaper to persuade the poor ignorant masses of one Ohio county to vote against President Bush? No, none was nearly as pitiful as the newly-patented Toyota plot against American manhood.

The patent, according to a report by Jayson Blair’s former employer, was for “a car with an antenna that wags, an adjustable body height, headlights that vary in intensity, and hood slits and ornamentation designed to look like eyebrows, eyelids and tears, all of which could glow with colored lights to create moods and physical features.” If you’re crying, your car can cry with you. If you’re sad, it will pout. No guy with a milligram of testosterone in his body could go near such a thing, and no gal who considers herself a lady could so display herself in public. From the company that brought us the beautifully brawny Land Cruiser comes this wheeled version of Woody Allen. It will undoubtedly sell well in France, Hollywood, and among the New York Times‘s editorial staff. Maybe the U.N. will buy one for the Secretary General’s new limo. It can be factory-set to pout permanently.

When His Excellency the Secretary General said, “There’s no doubt that this has been a particularly difficult year, and I am relieved that this annus horribilis is coming to an end,” Kofi was speaking not only for the Turtle Bay crime family but also for Jacques Chirac, George Soros, Mo Dowd, the EUnuchs, and all the Michael Mooron Dems. As bad as 2004 was for liberals everywhere, it is our solemn duty to make 2005 worse. For Kofi baby and all who assail with him, we resolve to make it so.

The presidential race was not won by the compromise of principles. Despite the fact that the Democrats remain delusional about such obscure concepts as national security and taxation, there are cracks in the conservative wall around the White House. The oldest version of liberalism — pseudo-conservatism — is new again, and running amok in the Republican Party. In 2005 we must choose between trying to patch the cracks in the conservative wall with tolerance, understanding, and inclusiveness to the pseudocons, or just blowing up long sections of it and rebuilding them on stronger foundations. Do any of you doubt which choice we must make?

SO, THEN, WITH HARD HAT tilted rakishly, with sledge hammers, dynamite, trucks full of concrete and a smile, let us turn our faces into the storm. As the bugler fills his lungs to sound the charge into 2005, let us rededicate ourselves to the credo of the late Capt. Harold H. Babbin, USMCR: “Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.”

There’s a big hole in the wall where immigration policy ought to be. Let’s knock it down set the rebar, and pour concrete into the Old Forms. We welcome immigrants who come here to become Americans. If you want to join our society, learn our language and support our Constitution, then get your visa and come on over. If your dream is to remake America in the image of the rathole you left behind, you can leave walking or being carried. It matters not to us.

To those who do come with the best of intentions, please understand that we won’t change our Constitution to further your ambitions. We kinda like the Governator but there’s no way we’re going to amend the Constitution to make him eligible for the presidency. If Ahnuld were eligible, we’d soon have the likes of Dominique de Villepin emigrating to America. The thought is just too much to bear.

Some neocons — including many of those who were most loudly demanding the invasion of Iraq — are headed to the tall grass, fearing failure and the blame for it. Let ’em go. We’re not going to debate “exit strategies” or talk about how many more hundreds of thousands of troops are necessary to quell the insurgency in Iraq. This is a war that goes far beyond Iraq, and Iraq can’t be pacified until the nations who interfere in it are dealt with. We have an exit strategy. All you neocons and other pseudocons listen up, ’cause there will be periodic quizzes on it. It’s in three parts: we win, they lose, then we come home. Got it?

Tax cuts, government growth, Supreme Court appointments are all small cracks in the wall that the neocons and other pseudocons want to chisel their way through. Not a chance, kids. We take our bearings from the Gipper, and we will remember — and remind Dubya whenever he forgets — that government is the problem, not the solution. Tax cuts strengthen the economy, government growth weakens it and constrains our personal freedom. How hard is that to remember? Very. The Republican Party — which includes some world-class pork barrellers — will receive our reminders much more often than they wish.

Some pseudocons want the President to nominate “soft conservatives” to the Supreme Court to make it harder for Harry Reid and the ACLU to oppose them. Oh, please. If we have to fight the fight — and we damned well do, no matter who the nominee is — let’s make it worthwhile. The pseudocons want “reasonableness,” defined as accommodation of the liberal legislative agenda. No thanks. Fifty-nine million Americans didn’t vote for Dubya to endorse Kerry’s agenda.

Two thousand five will be another long year of war, sacrifice and low politics, even worse than ’04. The libs and their U.N. stopped just short of accusing Donald Rumsfeld of causing the South Pacific earthquake and tidal waves of this past week. (They haven’t figured out that it was SUV drivers and global warming that actually caused this catastrophe. But they will.) John McCain, Nurse Ratched, Bill Frist and Joe Biden are already campaigning for ’08. Their posturing will make the Senate a quagmire for the President’s agenda, and the fight to confirm a conservative Supreme Court justice or two will make the Bork battle look tame.

BUT TAKE HEART: THERE is much to hope for and to work toward. It’s probably beyond our power to influence who will be chosen to take two of the top three Democratic posts. Nevertheless, we should cheer the selections sure to be made by the DNC and CBS.

First and foremost, there’s a slim chance that Howlin’ Howie Dean will become DNC chairman. We should all give him a cheer, er, screech of encouragement. Not that it really matters which hard-core lib the Dems pick. They still think they lost the election because their “message” wasn’t ‘splained well enough to get through the thick heads of people such as we. But Americans understood the Dems’ message quite clearly, which is one of the major reasons they voted for W in record numbers. Another was backlash against the horrifically-biased media.

To replace the suddenly-sort-of-retiring Dan Rather, the geniuses who run CBS may choose from among John Roberts (whose whistling dentures, devout anti-Bushism and JFK hairdo preclude further parody), Katie Couric (whose perkiness has been known to inspire nausea in the strongest of men), and Scott Pelley, whose ambition reportedly makes the Nixonian version of Chuck Colson look timid. I predict that some dark horse candidate — unknown in American broadcast news — will be chosen and marketed as a “moderate” politically. Personally, I’m hoping it’ll be Mo Dowd. She’s the kind of “moderate” CBS would like.

The U.N.’s meltdown will continue as the Turtle Bay Crime Family pretends to cooperate with Senate investigators. Legislation should pass cutting our dues payments until the UN begins cooperating with our investigators at least as well as the Gottis or the Gambinos did. An enormous trade war with Europe will begin over its subsidies to Airbus. Boeing — our last builder of commercial airliners — is screwed up beyond belief, but needs to be saved from itself, and from the EUnuchs’ subsidized competition. Airbus wants to sell its version of an airborne tanker to our Air Force. May they hold their breath until that happens.

For our men and women in harm’s way, ’05 will be another year away from home, fighting an enemy that always violates the law of war. They will be assaulted not only by the enemy, but by those who wish to defeat us by condemning the acts of our soldiers. We’ll have at least one more prisoner abuse “scandal”, and those who do wrong will be punished. But we will stand adamant in the defense of the American warrior, simply the best, most moral and merciful, the world has ever seen. Bless ’em all.

Celebrate quietly tomorrow night, raise a glass of California (or Washington State) champagne to America’s good fortune, and sleep well. But I expect everyone on deck at dawn tomorrow. Our great good fortune to be Americans is a precious one, and we can’t rest a moment if we’re going to pass it on to our children. Happy Pseudocon Year.

TAS Contributing Editor Jed Babbin is the author of,Inside the Asylum: Why the UN and Old Europe Are Worse Than You Think (Regnery Publishing)

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