Once every epoch, the fates conspire to test someone to and beyond the limits of human ability. As happened before with Job after God’s conversation with Satan, Aeneas after the fall of Troy, and Frodo after inheriting the Ring, the clock has struck h-hour for The Onion, and they are called to a higher task.
Can The Onion‘s editors and writers rise to the occasion? Can they summon the strength to tackle what may be the biggest parody opportunity of all time, and at least of recent memory?
Perhaps, years from now, scribes will write of The Onion‘s noble response, or poets will sing of their ignominious betrayal of their duty. It is not for us to know.
But for the headline writer who is right now wishing that these events would have taken place on someone else’s watch, I would reassure him: so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
PS: If The Onion cannot do the deed, the nation turns its lonely eyes to Colbert.