Like all American patriots, I stand ready to help my president. Since I can’t find one, I may as well help Joe Biden.
Mr. Biden has made clear that the next U.S. Supreme Court justice needs to have two qualifications: black skin and a vagina. She does not need to have attended law school, much less to have passed a state bar exam on the first try. Sounds like his requirements for vice president. (Note: Amy Coney Barrett — pronouns: she/her/hers — passed on her first bar-exam try. #MeToo. She meets only one Biden criterion. I meet none — pronouns: me/myself/I.)
I scour the American landscape searching for a worthy nominee to sit on the SCOTUS seat being vacated by the comparatively moderate, pensive, and insightful Justice Stephen Breyer — perhaps the last reasonable liberal the Court will see for a long time. We now are in the Sotomayor Era by which woke justices first shoot their left-corrupted arrows and only afterwards paint their progressive bullseyes around them. The search is on for a black woman to sit on the Court. At least she is permitted to be binary.
The Left’s slavemaster system goes to extraordinary lengths to suppress black conservatives. Democrats held nothing back when trying to prevent Justice Clarence Thomas from ascending to the Court and Biden explicitly told black Americans that, if they don’t vote Democrat, they ain’t black. They are determined to define black Americans to hold them securely in Democrat pockets.
Since Biden wants a black woman for the Court, Whoopi Goldberg immediately jumps to mind. First, she is no more a “Goldberg” than I am an Ocasio-Hyphen-Squad-Hyphen-Cortes. Whoopi actually is — get this! — a Karen: Caryn Elaine Johnson. The daughter of a Baptist clergyman, she has no Jewish anything in her.
As for the Holocaust mess in which she now is embroiled, it will be over in a fortnight. No one should be canceled for talking or tweeting stupid. For the record, though, even the most apostate of Jews — Bernie Sanders, George Soros — would acknowledge that, yeah, Hitler was a racist. By contrast, Whoopi very plainly states, when given the opportunity to clarify her thoughts, that the Holocaust does not interest her as a black woman: “Well, this is White people doing it to White people, so y’all gonna fight amongst yourselves.” I am holding in my hand right now a copy of Hitler’s Mein Kampf, 1962 Sentry edition published by Houghton-Mifflin. On page 430, he writes this: “It doesn’t dawn on this depraved bourgeois world that this is positively a sin against all reason; that it is criminal lunacy to keep on drilling a born half-ape until people think they have made a lawyer out of him, while millions of members of the highest-culture must remain in entirely unworthy positions.” Guess whom Hitler was calling “half-apes,” Whoopi. There are ten references to “Negroes” in the book’s index. He uses the “N-word.” More than 50 pages where he discusses “Race.” Just White on White?
A second reason for Biden to select Whoopi immediately: she will not be on The View for the next two weeks. That allows a very brief window of availability, but today’s Washington Democrats understand better than most what it means to have very little time left to act. Mitch won’t filibuster this one.
Third, she occasionally lands with a funny line. On The View, she mostly is angry and often hateful, not the comic she was when she first emerged. But she still can tell a joke. After what the Democrats have put this country through during the Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Barrett hearings, Americans can use a good laugh at the next round of SCOTUS confirmation hearings. Since Kamala no longer is on the Senate judiciary committee, there is no guarantee that anyone there will cackle away. The Whoopster can fix that.
We hardly will be offered cogitation or considered advice and consent during the hearings. No one is going to explore the nominee’s views on Constitutional originalism, strict constructionism, judicial restraint, stare decisis, res ipsa loquitur, e pluribus unum, mens rea, womens rea, infra supra ex parte, quantum meruit sine qua non, ab initio ad litem, caveat emptor certiorari, ipse dixit, amicus finch, mea culpa duces tecum, mandamus, womandamus, or legal philosophy. Rather, we can expect that most of the hearings will be about senators grandstanding for camera time to appear as viable presidential candidates. That’s how Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, and the white one from Minnesota who eats her salads with her hair comb played it at the Kavanaugh Show. None was serious presidential material, but all knew they had a moment in the spotlight to go for the gold. Pat Leahy was going to retire. Dianne Feinstein, too, as soon as she found out. Blumenthal was busy proving he was a Vietnam war hero. Dick Durbin is secure and quasi-powerful as Senate Democrat Number Two from Safe Blue Illinois, so no point in his giving up a good gig. As for Whitehouse, Coons, Ossoff — are any of those real last names, or are they there just to get Republican Twitter users in a heap of trouble? As for the other Democrat, Mazie Hirono — she’s just there as a punchline.
Fourth, the Breyer replacement will not impact justice. The Court breakdown will remain five conservatives (Justices Thomas, Alito, Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Coney), three lefties (Justices Kagan, Sotomayor, and Whoopi), and Chief Justice Roberts who bounces back and forth, case by case, to prove “There are no Obama judges. There are no Trump judges.”
Fifth — and very importantly — the Left has gone crazy with tyrannical and truly dangerous proposals like imbalancing American politics by adding Puerto Rico as a state and packing the Supreme Court with six more justices to assure a Leftist majority — until the Republicans take it back and then add even six more. Whoopi’s gift is that she craves attention. She easily will outshine Kagan and Sotomayor, garnering the bulk of media spotlight, and she will not allow the entrance of six more who would trespass into her oxygen.
I concede there are arguments against a Whoopi Goldberg selection, too. For example, Kamala eventually passed the state bar exam after failing it. Whoopi never has passed it. But then again, she never has failed it either — and woke justices like Sotomayor have proven that no law school education is needed anyway to decide cases that turn on public policy disputes. Abortion? Legal! Obamacare? Legal! Trump’s executive orders? Illegal! Same-sex marriage? Legal! Capital punishment? Illegal! Racial quotas — uh, “affirmative action” — for blacks and against Asians? Legal! It does not take a law school diploma or state bar certification to make rulings when the holding depends on whether the matter stems from Obama or Trump. It’s just like The View. To the degree that Justice Whoopi then would need to put an occasional opinion in writing, each justice gets four federal Supreme Court clerks on payroll to do that.
With a black woman nominee, Christine Blasey Ford won’t be needed to perjure herself. Michael Avenatti will be, er, tied up. Dianne Feinstein and Mazie Hirono will keep each other company.
Really, Whoopi is perfect. Joy Occhiuto, by contrast, is Italian Roman Catholic and white — “too Alito” on the Biden Racial Profile chart. (She’s a “Behar” like Whoopi’s a “Goldberg.”) Alternatively, Kamala also is a black woman, and her designation would help Biden evacuate her from the Void of Veepness. But that would require Kamala to cast the tie-breaking vote amid a 50-50 Senate deadlock. She would have to vote for herself to be on the Court. Definitely too complicated.
It’s Whoopi time! Get out the cushions!
Read Dov Fischer every Monday and Thursday in The American Spectator and follow him on Twitter at @DovFischerRabbi.