Oh, no. Julian Castro now is pulling out. There goes the Latino. Hasta la vista.
Earlier, Kamala Harris dropped out. For those who fantasize that she is African American, there went the African American — whose lineage actually hails from Jamaica (Dad) and India (Mom). So the Democrat race lost an intersectional Affirmative Action dream: Jamaican, Indian (a real one, not like Liz Warren), Pseudo African American, Woman, Weed Smoker (yet prosecutor of other weed smokers), Advocate for Slavery Reparations, Beneficiary of Slave-owning ancestors. All in one package. But now — Out. How can she keep singing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy?”
On the other end of the rainbow spectrum, Kirsten Gillibrand, Albino — out.
The big stage is turning into a Democrat celebration of the supremacy of Whites, if not White supremacism. They are racing to erase race from the Democrat presidential race. True, Liz Warren checks off an Affirmative Action box as an American Indian, but the other 1,023 parts among the one-thousand-twenty-four segments of her blood is pure White bred. Not a grain of wheat germ or bran. Processed and Harvard-ready with calcium propionate to retard spoilage as this White-bred Indian has entered her 70s, making her age-eligible for this year’s Democrat field. All the color has been bleached out of the field.
As for Andrew Yang, just listen to all the voices of Democrat race peddlers; not a one of them regards Yang as a Person of Color (POC). As the Harvard Law School admissions court case recently demonstrated, Asians just don’t count. They study hard. They achieve mightily. They contribute spectacularly. But in the world of intersectionalism, they are just there for the using. When you need one to be a POC, you pull one in. When you have a point to make about exclusion, you treat them as People of Privilege. In the world of racial Political Correctness, Yang (which translates as the “bright side” or the “sunny side”) is just not their Yin (literally, the dark or shady side). In the world of Democrat diversity circa 2020, Andrew Yang has been filed as one more Crazy Rich Asian.
Ok, if one wishes to grasp at non-plastic straws, there still is Cory Booker. The memo to drop out still has not reached Spartacus at Gladiator academy, but the moment of departure looms. The Democrat Powers have made clear that, under their rules, he simply does not merit standing on the stage with the White People. Indeed, the Democrat race is starting to look as pearly ivory as other iconic liberal institutions: the Hollywood Academy of Motion Picture Awards, the publishers and people who run the New York Times, Washington Post, NBC, ABC, CBS, PBS, CNN, MSNBC, Huffington, Beast. Focus not on the employees but on the powers behind the camera, the men and women of White Liberal Privilege behind the curtain. Lily White. Alabaster. If Irving Berlin were alive to put it to words, he’d be lyricizing about this year’s unfolding field of remaining Democrat presidential aspirants:
I’m dreaming of White Aged Democrats
Just like the ones we always know,
Where the scalp tops glisten
And donors listen
To hear gray dumbbells as they slow.
I’m dreaming of White Aged Democrats
With every donation check I write.
May your wine caves be merry and bright.
And may all your Prez nominees be white.
So what to do?
Well, they can’t throw out Bernie. First of all, he is not really White because he is so Communist red. On the other hand, he alone among the candidates publicly declared himself White during a debate. Yet he is endorsed by Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ocasio, which makes him both an Honorary Person of Color and an Honorary Anti-Semite. But the problem remains. How do we get Kamala, Castro, and Cory back into the race?
There are solutions. Consider how the Democrats have solved the problem when it comes to college admissions: either get them all onto a rowing team or just create two tiers for measuring achievement. Don’t actually honestly call it “two tiers,” for goodness sakes. Make it sound positive, affirmative: Affirmative Action. Towards that end, let every candidate for the Democrat nomination be required to submit a personal biographical statement and undergo a private interview — aside from such White Privilege artificialities like fundraising ability and popularity ranking among polls of voters — to give additional credit for the impact of background. That is, if a candidate only is scoring 1% in the national and Iowa and New Hampshire surveys — but has a real desire to do better — oh, for goodness sakes, let him or her in. And, to keep the stage from collapsing under the weight of too many worthies, remove an equal number of people who derive from Nativist or White Privilege.
Elizabeth Warren, for example, comes from the original natives who populated this land, the Indians. Her people — all one-blood-drop-in-one-thousand-and-twenty-four of them — have had the enormous advantage of being here way before anyone else. Former Vice Presidential candidate Jack Kemp represented Buffalo, but Elizabeth Warren rode buffalo or at least heard of buffalo. She also got to be a Harvard professor, an honor bestowed uniquely on American Indian Women applicants, which positioned her to get hired by major corporations and to earn millions of dollars on the side. By contrast, a Latino like Julian Castro never got that opportunity to earn. He wasn’t Indian enough, and the snooty Harvard directors probably would question his Latino bonafides anyway because he barely speaks Spanish. So he deserves Affirmative Action. Or maybe a spot can be carved out on stage for another run for Jesse Jackson, if he still is alive. Otherwise make a spot on the stage for Al Sharpton.
So throw her out. With the Massachusetts winter at bay, let the Cherokee multi-millionaire focus on guzzling beer in her teepee and keeping her wig warm. Out of the race she goes. That makes room at least for Kamala — a real Indian from Jamaica. And then she can hum “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” while smoking weed to the stylings of Snoop Dogg and Tupac.
Next to go in the name of Affirmative Action has got to be Biden. He reeks of White Privilege. Seriously, come on, man: What non-White conceivably would get to run for President as many times as Joe, especially as he becomes more incoherent and just-plain-bizarre each new time around? He often spoke of how, as a U.S. Senator in Delaware, he proudly represented a racist state. On top of that, when he stole someone else’s life story as his own biography — the time he plagiarized Britain’s Neil Kinnock and the narrative of his coal-mining roots — he picked a White Brit. In the Senate, he worked closely with White racist segregationist Dixiecrats. He told Iowa voters that they are so much better than Black people, like Black mothers who barely ever talk to their children. It’s all there, on the record. Besides, have you ever seen children in swimming pools or at beaches rub the leg hair of Black lifeguards? Of course not. But Biden, the child of White Privilege — he experienced it all, man. So throw him out. That makes room for Julian Castro again. In the Age of Obama, what would the Democrats be without at least one of the Castro Brothers? If only the New York Mets had not torn down their old ball park, wouldn’t it be perfect to have Castro holding a rally at Che Stadium? Of course, unlike a Trump rally, he probably would want the CNN cameras to focus on the area he surely would fill to capacity: the dugout.
It is tricky, though, with Booker. He actually is the child of privilege. He got to attend Oxford. Maybe if we just can get him onto a rowing team, we can find a spot for him on the stage, too. It is so unfair to require him to meet the standards and follow the rules that everyone else was told to honor. And we can make room for him by throwing out Tom Steyer, that billionaire child of White Privilege. Or we can welcome Bloomberg onto the stage — so that we can throw him out. Or Pristinely Alabaster Buttigieg. Can you imagine a Latino named “Buttigieg”? The name “Buttigieg” connotes lineage from Malta, and this guy reeks of so much White Privilege that you practically can call him Malta’d Milk. Really, could a non-White mayor of South Bend honestly be taken seriously as a candidate for the presidency of the United States? So Buttigieg — out.
Isn’t that so much better? Now we have the diversity that Democrats crave, even though the Democrat primary voters in Iowa and New Hampshire don’t know yet that they crave it. That is an Affirmative Action plan to undo the racist race to erase race from the Democrat race. It brings back Kamala Harris, Julian Castro, and solidifies Booker’s claim to the stage. In the aggregate, the three of them have managed to garner some 5 percent of the Democrat voters’ support. It removes Warren, Biden, Buttigieg, Bloomberg, and Steyer, who have aggregated some 70 percent of voter support so far. But sometimes there are things that are more fair than fairness. Because everyone deserves a chance to be President.