To be honest, I was approximately as jazzed to spend an hour listening to the President yammer on about his policy agenda as Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and given her noted history of pre-gaming the event, probably just as drunk. But regardless, in selfless stewardship to the public interest, I watched the whole thing, paid attention through most of it, and only flipped the channel once to check out whether the Travel Channel had a show on that would send my OCD into overdrive. I flipped back because it was something about RVs and camping isn’t exactly my forte. Even in an RV.
Anyway, in case you missed it, or blacked out early because you actually followed the rules of a State of the Union drinking game, here are ten things you need to know about last night’s rousing example of what happens when a President knows that his policy agenda should have been enacted six years ago when he had a functional Congress controlled by his own party, but plows delusionally ahead anyway.
1. The State of the Union is strong. It always is. If we said what we were really thinking, that the State of the Union is far more concerned with whether the Patriots deflated a bunch of footballs than whether we can afford to spend billions on free doggy daycare for working pet parents and their designer teacup pomeranians, other nations would know that they could, quite possibly, force us to comply with United Nations standards on everything from carbon emissions to plastic cutlery quality and we’d only notice when we couldn’t dig into a piece of warm apple pie at a barbeque next summer because our forks had all biodegraded together in the sun.
2. There were only a few noticeable fashion faux pas. Justice Ginsberg wore black lace gloves so as to refrain from touching anyone without a guaranteed lifetime appointment. John Boehner’s spray tan was very much on point, clearly taking into account Pantone’s choice of “color of the year”: Marsala. And, unlike previous years, the First Lady appears to have outlet shopped for a nice hooked rug to have made into a suit for the occasion, embracing the national trend of reducing, reusing, and recycling. Haha. No, just kidding. FLOTUS sported a skirt suit from Michael Kors that cost a cool $3,000 (though it is now on sale for about half that). That is, of course, only slightly less than the average household will pay this month for health insurance under the Affordable Care Act.
3. In case you missed it, Barack Obama won two campaigns and is still President. He’s not counting 2014, because counting 2014 is for sissies, historians, and people who insist on altering their policy agenda to match the desires of the nation.
Yeah, pour water on that burn, sucker.
4. We are now almost completely independent of foreign oil, except where we’re dependent on foreign oil, which is not really President Obama’s fault — oil drilling on public lands has fallen by 6 percent while drilling on private lands for shale oil, where the Federal government has no control, has increased by 61 percent, thus altering the market for oil considerably — but he’ll take credit for it anyway. He may have said, a couple of years ago, that the answer to our energy woes wasn’t so much drilling on our own land as it was trying to capture the heat of the suns rays and harness their energy to summon Captain Planet, but as far as he’s concerned, it’s now time to drill, baby, drill. Just not on public land, because that’s pretty icky.
5. Our mission in Afghanistan has ended, which is fairly inconvenient for Afghanistan. ISIS is on the run in Iraq, which is probably news to ISIS. Iran has ended their quest for a nuclear accident that wipes out most of the Middle East and half of Europe, which is probably news to Iran, most of the Middle East and half of Europe. And also probably news to Russia, which just signed a multilateral agreement that will allow them to share military technology (though the S-3000 missile delivery system is now off the table. Maybe). Fortunately, President Obama followed up on his declaration of complete global peace by verbally antagonizing Vladimir Putin, but stopped short of issuing a shirtless photo of himself on a horse, thus completely eviscerating any gravitas behind his statements.
6. We’ve lifted the trade embargo on Cuba and we’ve started training astronauts to survive a trip to Mars, so your vacation options will vastly improve starting in, ohhhh, 2045. Unfortunately, it’s entirely possible that free trade will enrich the poverty-stricken island nation, thus proving the theories of socialism wrong, and Barack Obama’s proposed budget will cut NASA’s planetary exploration budget yet again. So no guarantees, guys.
7. Our Internet will be safer, faster and more responsive to our needs. Or it could be, if Barack Obama can ever manage to negotiate Comcast’s customer service.
8. We have stopped torturing people. But we are still murdering them with flying robots. And Ariana Grande is still a thing. So there is ample reason to doubt our national commitment to this issue. We’ve also stopped sending our military into places and we’ve replaced their regular leadership with a council of 1970s folk artists. Which, if you think about it, is also torture. Full circle.
9. Everything is free. Worried about your college education? You get it for free! Worried about your vacation plans? Those are free, too! Daycare is free! Time off is free! Healthcare is free! And if you act now, you can get everything in this collection for just ten easy payments of ten billion dollars over the next ten decades! And we’ll even throw in an extra $500 and one of those vacuums that sucks the cookie crumbs out of your car seat! OR TWO. Just name what you want and it’s yours! Except the Keystone Pipeline. No one gets the Keystone Pipeline.
10. Somewhere during the part about student loans, I found a really great pair of high-waisted pants that will go with this vintage 1980s bustier I’ve been looking to style for my upcoming trip to Las Vegas. After all, it’s not like the government is going to forgive my student loans and they shouldn’t. They shouldn’t because I took them out. They won’t because it’s a multi-billion-dollar-per-year industry that will fund Congressional Cadillac healthcare programs into infinity. And frankly, I trust a Las Vegas casino with my money more than I trust the government with it. At least when I lose $100 on a slot machine, they bring me a free gin and tonic to ease the pain.
There are a few other high points, but let’s face it. The State of the Union is an infomercial for low-information voters and an excuse for DC staffers to get blindingly drunk on a weeknight. The President could just as easily have donned a Forever Lazy and printed out the SOTU on the White House residence’s dot matrix and shipped individual copies to Congress, and we all could have been spared the trouble of missing NCIS (which, incidentally, probably lost Obama the support of every happily-married housewife over 60), but we know this administration has never passed up an opportunity to commandeer the airwaves in prime time, least of all when it’s entirely possible to announce an entire Presidency’s worth of progressive agenda items without fear of them ever coming to pass.
So onward and upward, my friends.
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