Sanctuary in La La Land
by

Planning a vacation anytime in the near future? Might I suggest beautiful and sunny Los Angeles, California? We offer amazing sites like the Getty and the Griffith Park Observatory. We have some of the best sushi you will ever eat. Of course, who can forget Disneyland, a 38-mile drive from our lovely city; that is, only 4 ½ hours by car. Make sure you buy the two-day pass, since a day will be spent driving. Worried about hotel costs? No need. Pack the grill, your flashlights, and a tent, because as you know we are a Sanctuary City, but what you might not have known is that we are also a tent city.

Stay in lovely downtown Los Angeles, or as the locals call it, “the arts district.” From there, you can walk to LA LIVE, or to the USC Science Museum, which houses the Space Shuttle Endeavor. Sidewalks are going fast, though, in this area. So, I suggest you set up camp at around 4:30 in the afternoon, while your fellow campers are still working at collecting bottles in their brilliantly constructed modified radio flyers. There is also a subway in the vicinity, one of our few such lines, which is perfect for your mini-vacation, since it will easily take you to your next camp of choice. Might I suggest the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

Here, you will not just get to see stars’ stars, but you can get to meet some of your favorite action heroes. For five dollars, you and your loved ones can take a picture with the guy who looks like he ate Spider-Man, and an actual cat woman. Since you have already saved so much money by not renting a silly hotel room, splurge on the tour bus of Hollywood star homes. This will serve two purposes. One, you get off your feet for a bit. That’s because the odds of it being the home of stars and you actually seeing them emptying their trash are about slim to none, and slim is sleeping. Two, you can do a little recon work for the spot where you will be setting up camp that night.

For a fun-filled day, you and the wife and tykes can take a train into Venice Beach. Here you and the loved ones can walk the boardwalk, and get a henna tattoo and hepatitis at the same time. Just be careful where you walk, the locals sleep in. At night, you can walk the promenade in Santa Monica, sample the local coffee brew of Starbucks and the Coffee Bean, or walk to the pier and hop on the Ferris wheel, and get an amazing view of not just the city, but of the many available camping sites.

You will see underpasses and overpasses. See streets from Hancock Park to Echo Park, to Griffith Park, and from Koreatown to Tai Town, slowly making its way to Beverly Hills. See your fellow vacationers. Who needs Airbnb, we have “Tentbnb.” Also, I wouldn’t suggest a new tent — no one likes a bragger. Worried about the police bothering you? Don’t be. They are here to serve and protect all citizens, non-citizens, and campers. I almost forgot about you with RVs. You are more than welcome where I live, in North Hollywood, soon to be known as RV City. Again, there is no need for the super flashy RVs; ones from 1972 seem to be all the rage.

We aren’t shooting They Live Two, and you aren’t extras in the movie. Los Angeles is just another example of a Democrat-run municipality destroying a city, where the taxpayer pays to protect those very people from whom he needs protection. It’s no different from the mob. Ironically enough, each will tell you it doesn’t exist. For the record, when you hear the term “arts district,” that is white hipster term for “we are trying to gentrify.” All kidding aside, it’s actually becoming quite dangerous, as our crime rate is on the rise and climbing fast. In no way am I mocking the homeless epidemic, but I am mocking a state government that is treating addiction and mental health problems with cotton and canvas. Maybe they are shooting They Live Two and I missed the call sheet.

Sorry, I was trying to sell you on a vacation tent share and I got all serious. It’s great, I promise. Go to Beverly Hills, where they are always filming Valley of the Dolls. Take a drive down all of our major thoroughfares, which take twenty years to re-pipe. You will see the local artistry of Caltrans and its “roadwork ahead” paintings. Don’t be scared by the gas prices; they are just a dollar more than most places in the nation, since we are in the middle of switching from our ”winter” to summer blend. This isn’t a concern of yours, you are “just” camping. So, make sure to give yourselves a few extra days. That’s how long it takes to get in and out of the airport. Don’t worry, “we will leave the light on” — not! That would be bad for the environment.

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