Before we analyze the results of Toronto’s elections last night, let’s just briefly consider that, aside from their obvious political shortcomings, Canada has made notable contributions to global culture. They may have been responsible for Nickelback, Avril Lavigne and Justin Bieber, but they also invented poutine, ice hockey, ears with flaps and Alan Thicke. And even though they’ve somehow managed to return Rob Ford to an elected office, as least they didn’t elect his brother mayor.
Doug Ford, the almost equally colorful brother of blustery, crack-smoking Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, lost his bid to succeed his brother in the city’s top job Monday night — but the scandal-ridden mayor was elected to the City Council.
Rob Ford bowed out of the race after being diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer, and he tapped Doug Ford, who was his campaign manager, to run in his place. Conservative John Tory won the election, however, with about 40 percent of the vote to Ford’s 34 percent. Rob Ford — despite having admitted smoking crack, driving drunk, boozing on the job and other misdeeds — easily won election to the City Council in his home district; the election came between two rounds of chemotherapy to shrink the tumor in his abdomen.
People of Toronto City Council Ward 2, we understand what you’re doing. Clearly, the intent is to have Rob Ford continue to entertain people he represents into infinity, as though his habits of getting boozed up in public places and happening into the recording screen of a cellular phone will continue. But this is a little like insisting that Lindsay Lohan is a good actress who can definitely pull off a David Mamet play on London’s West End. Based on prior experience, we want to believe it won’t be a disaster. But deep, deep down in our hearts, we know that Lindsay Lohan lost all her talent around the time she lost all the elasticity in her face. And we know that Rob Ford is a train wreck waiting to happen that you, City Council Ward 2, will be responsible for.
But if you can get him cleaned up and healthy and somehow convince Sun News Network to let him and his now-unemployed brother Doug have that Internet show back, then, perhaps we’ll put you back into the win column. But for now, Canada, we’re watching you.
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