This past week was some week. On Sunday, the Super Bowl that I did not watch. On Monday, the Iowa caucuses that did not happen. On Tuesday, the State of the Union that left the Union in quite a state (but definitely not in Iowa). On Wednesday, the impeachment conviction that did not happen. On Thursday, the Prayer Breakfast that was some moment for grace. On Friday, time to contemplate random thoughts.
Really, they should just have Michael Bloomberg sponsor the whole thing. Literally. At $11 million a minute for advertising, and with the whole thing running approximately 180 minutes, he could put on the whole thing for — what? — $2 billion? The guy has $60 billion, and he wants to buy the presidency. He easily could buy the whole Super Bowl. For the two billion, he obviously also would be the half-time show. He could be in all the commercials. As a shrewd entrepreneur, he even could then license or sublet the advertising: “Budweiser, you want to promote beer? Fine. But I have to be the center of the commercial. A few requirements, though. The glass cannot contain more than 7.5 ounces, needs to be made of recyclable paper, and cannot have any sugar.” Next: “Sabra, you want to push hummus? OK. I have to be the transgender male/female in the helmet ad.” Next: “Pepsi/Coke: same rules as Budweiser.” “Automobiles? I have to be driving them in the ads. And the cars cannot run on gasoline.” “Doritos? Sorry. I banned you.” As for the teams, the San Francisco 49ers would have to have his face on their helmet logos, with a $49 billion symbol near it. The Kansas City Chiefs — well, Bloomberg is the Chief of Chiefs. So Bloomberg on those helmets, too. And then, every time you go on YouTube, you get to see a Bloomberg car commercial, beer commercial, hummus commercial, for months — but you can skip the ad after five seconds.
Stay with me on this one. Y’know those Americans who deny that we ever went to the moon? Y’know something? I’ll betcha there never was an Iowa caucus. It was a brilliant scam to bring hard dollars into the state economy. Robert O’Rourke raises tens of millions from fools who want a president who publicly has his ear hairs clipped and his teeth flossed. Kamala Harris raises tens of millions to plunk on Iowa state fairs, fill up on barbecue, and ask a crowd of six people whether America is ready for her, with them answering, “No!” Kirsten Gillibrand raises tens of millions to go hang out in a gay bar in a tight t-shirt that says “Love is Brave,” and she yells, “Gay rights!,” over and over at the bar until she gets ushered out. Bernie raises tens of millions, gets a heart attack doing it, runs around the state, teaching them how to understand a Brooklyn accent. Elizabeth Warren raises tens of millions to reconnect with her Indian roots in Sioux Falls. Finds out that city is in South Dakota, so aims to reconnect with her Indian roots in Cherokee. Finds out that one is in North Carolina, so just goes to Iowa and promises Medicare for All, before finding out that is in Bernie’s speech. Finally, she is told that Iowa has Sioux City, not Sioux Falls, so she goes there expecting to find trial lawyers. Mayor Pete raises tens of millions, finds god, promoting all the verses in the Bible that explicitly praise his lifestyle, asserting that it is time for Democrats to be the party of religion, and ends his effort by supporting infanticide. Amy Klobuchar raises tens of millions, goes to the state fair with her hairbrush and comb, tries to eat corn dogs with it, and ends up just throwing all of it at her staffers. Cory Booker raises tens of millions, goes to the state fair to campaign as our first vegan president, and finds there is nothing he can eat, so declares pork a vegetable. And Joe Biden raises a million or two and finally makes it to Iowa after first landing in Nebraska to be at the first-in-the-nation Nebraska caucuses. When his advance team tell him he is late, he asks, “Where to?” They say, “Cedar Rapids.” He responds: “No, I don’t see the rapids.”
But in the end, it all was a scam by the state financial people. The caucuses themselves never were held. It was all a scam by the state of Iowa to balance its budget by bringing in a billion dollars of cash from out-of-state Democrat candidates and their staffers, spending it on state fairs, food, travel, clothing, and such. The money poured in. And then on the day of the supposed caucuses, with all the candidates already having left to fly to New Hampshire to tell those people that really it is they who are the only state that matters, no one stayed behind to notice that there never were any caucuses. If you ever saw The Producers, you can see how Iowa got the idea.
There is a way to prevent this fiasco from ever again happening. Years of documented evidence substantiate that when Vladimir Putin runs an election in Russia, not only does the election take place on time and as scheduled, but all the votes get tallied accurately and immediately, with absolutely no delay and no mistake. In fact, Putin elections are so masterfully efficient and accurate that the final vote tallies come in the day before the election. It would be a brilliant public-relations move if Putin were to hire the Perkins Coie law firm and Fusion GPS to represent him and offer the Iowa Democrats his services to help them run an honest election where votes actually get counted. He could call it the “Iowa Democrat Re-set.”
As well constructed as this year’s State of the Union was, there remains room for improvement. First of all, the House chamber should have three rooms or curtains installed so that, at suitable moments during his speech, the president can offer his special guests an exciting choice. A girl wants an education? Pick one of the curtains. Behind one is a scholarship from grade one though medical school. Behind another curtain is a car, which is worth more than most college degrees in Identity Studies. And behind curtain three — well, leave that one to the producers. And so on. That is, continue bringing guests to the gallery, but let them choose their surprise.
At the same time, what to do about the newer problems now impacting SOTU moments? First, the president’s speech in future years should be printed on laminated pages, making them impossible to tear or to chew on. Secondly, the speaker of the House should be required to wear a straitjacket. That not only would restrain her arms but also would go perfectly with her signature stylistic touch of having all Democrat women wear white. Third, the vice president, not the House Speaker, should be assigned to recite the words, “It is now my high honor and distinct privilege to introduce to all of you the president of the United States.” Since the veep runs on the ticket with the president, that solves an obvious problem. Moreover, since Nancy Pelosi often has declared herself as a deeply devout and religious Catholic, what could be more beautiful than for the speaker of the House to allow the vice president to recite those words so that she, in response, can say, “Amen!” In future years, as the Democrats race rapidly more leftward, the speaker’s response can be modified to “Awomen!” or “Apeople!”
Since all Democrats will vote to convict an impeached Republican president and all Republicans will vote to convict an impeached Democrat president, the voting should be limited to determining how many senators from the president’s own party are needed to assure that the impeachment will fall beneath the 67-vote conviction requirement. For example, if there are 47 Democrat senators, that means it will take 20 Republicans among the 53 in the chamber to convict. Therefore, to save time, and to prevent one hot dog from showboating, 34 Republicans among the 53 in the Senate should sign a page that just says, “Aw, phooey!” That would mean that under no circumstances can 67 be reached. That way, the whole thing would end in 10 minutes, and then the senators could spend the rest of the day on television — with the 47 Democrats on MSNBC, CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, and PBS. The Republicans would have the whole day to go on Fox News, where they can create riveting television by debating Chris Hahn and Jessica Tarlov.
In order to get into the room, each participant should be required to stand before a three-clergy panel in a closed room and recite an extemporaneous five-minute prayer. That would assure that everyone in the room actually does pray, at least enough to know how to pray. It would reduce the attendance by 90 percent, but it would increase the percentage of honest praying Americans in the room by 1,000 percent. And in a show of national unity and reconciliation, those left in the room could recite a prayer for Iowa.