After careful deliberation, I am declaring my candidacy for President of the United States.
I know where our party is headed and I believe that we can reach our destination within a single term.
While other candidates may shrink from the tough decisions, or shroud them in euphemism, I will say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done.
I launch my campaign today, fellow Democrats, with a seven-part plan to realize the dream.
Under my administration, we will:
1. Manage aggressively the decline in American wealth, power and influence.
The agreement with the regime in Tehran can serve as a model for a new diplomacy, not only in the Middle East but elsewhere around the globe. That agreement will guarantee, in return for subventions from us, the acquisition of nuclear weapons by them. This asymmetrical approach turns conventional diplomacy on its head. With fresh approaches of this kind, we can establish a post-American international order that is long overdue.
2. Shrink the tax base.
We have demonstrated in recent cycles that, while we can win elections with the half of the electorate currently on public assistance, this constituency alone cannot govern with a strong hand. Our objective should be to exempt at least three-fourths of all eligible voters from income taxes, thus isolating and exposing the residual taxpayer class. This initiative will contain and ultimately extinguish so-called “taxpayer revolts” that have repeatedly disrupted progressivism’s advance.
3. Sap the authority of local law enforcement.
Whenever politically feasible, both POTUS and DOJ should “lean” toward citizen complaints over against city and state police personnel. Such Federal interventions should collaborate, openly where appropriate and off-screen where prudent, with both house media and our front-line grievance activists. Taken together with our efforts in prison reform, gun control and drug legalization, this initiative can break the grip of repressive police power over at-risk communities.
4. Secure the political base.
In political terms, legal immigration has been little better than a wash for us over the years. Moreover, it is a slow and operationally tedious approach to the rapid societal change we seek. Our proximate goal must be to secure voting rights for the millions of resident aliens who are currently “illegal,” to parrot the mindless rhetoric from the Right. The associated costs in health, welfare, and other public benefits are a small price to pay for this electoral game-changer – and our supporters won’t be paying it.
5. Lock in recent gains by the regulatory state.
The opposition may attempt to cast the upcoming election as a referendum on the performance of EPA, HHS, Labor, IRS, VA and other voter-interfacing Federal agencies. Our supporters regard the past seven years as the golden age of forward-leaning bureaucracy. The opposition does not. But both sides agree on what is at stake: the future of small business. The small business segment of the economy is the very core of bitter-end resistance to our agenda. Crush it with regulatory power and we will break the back of resistance.
6. Reintegrate criminal elements into society by freeing nonviolent felons currently incarcerated.
This may appear to be a small-beer matter, but it is seen by our supporters as a bedrock issue of social justice. We should make it plain that we undertake this initiative not to effect budgetary economies, but to redress glaring racial imbalances within the prison population. Symbolic actions are important in themselves. We should regard the demoralization of the prosecutorial power structure as collateral benefit only.
7. Accelerate the redistribution of wealth.
Over the past seven years, we have been headed in a promising direction, what with higher taxes on opponents, higher spending on supporters, and higher debt to be shared equitably with future generations. So far, so good. But we must recognize that this success could not have been achieved without the Fed’s relentless campaign to disempower savers and investors. We should encourage and, if necessary, pressure the Fed to stay the course in depressing returns to capital.
Thank you for your support. Let’s finish what we’ve started.
“Elizabeth Sanders” is a pseudonym for Neal B. Freeman, a write-in candidate from Jacksonville, FL.