I read in the progressive press that the Republicans are going to steal the next election and also stage a coup d’état. Contemporary leftist journalists have superpowers: not only are they able to predict the future, but they also condemn events that have not yet happened and hold Republicans accountable for them. It’s a kind of fictional reporting that I, as a lover of gonzo journalism, can only applaud. I, too, loved my dinner last night with Scarlett Johansson at that romantic New York restaurant. After having had a few glasses of wine, she insisted on spending the night with me, but I had to tell her no. You can’t always have your own way, Scarlett. I prefer Maria Sharapova now.

On second thought, if it is now okay to treat non-facts as facts, I could change some things in my own biography. And even better, in keeping with the writing style of the left-wing press, I could even predict successes I have not yet achieved and demand that the world congratulate me on them. I love this century, the bastard child of 20th-century relativism, because nothing is, after all, real. There is always a place for fiction, as the most macabre screenwriter of our time, Doctor Fauci, proves daily. It was Thackeray who warned us of the danger of overdosing, although I suppose no one reads the old British writers anymore: “When one fib becomes due as it were, you must forge another to take up the old acceptance; and so the stock of your lies in circulation inevitably multiplies, and the danger of detection increases every day.”

Since President Biden’s very first minute in the White House, we have seen the world’s Left claim that the United States was facing an extremely serious security crisis, due to the very serious risk that the extreme-extreme-extreme-extreme-(put here 20 more extremes)-right would place the country on the brink of a civil war. I thought that as the legislature progressed the discourse would change, but no, the progressive strategy remains the same: to spread a mythological fear of the Right. But reality is stubborn, and, with exceptions, the Right is much more polite and elegant than the Left; that is, we do not set fire to garbage containers and smash shop windows when we do not like something. When an idiot with horns tried to get into the Capitol to take a selfie, most conservatives felt nothing but deep embarrassment. That was enough to delegitimize doubts of voter fraud. Brilliant strategy.

But today the real coup d’état is Joe Biden’s administration. I have never seen a president shoot himself in the foot so many times and with such skill. The best proof that he can’t boast of having done a single thing right is that his press is not celebrating his first year in power with long monographs on his successes, but with scarecrows about the extreme Right, fascism, and the return of the beast Donald Trump. I’m so bored of always watching the same movie that I could write the script myself with my eyes closed. (READ MORE from Itxu Díaz: The Real Enemy Is Getting Off Scot Free)

Recently I read in Mother Jones the Obama administration’s Attorney General Eric Holder saying, “The insurrection, the gerrymandering, the voter suppression, the attacks on professional election officials — all of this puts our democracy at risk to a degree we have not seen since the Civil War.” In the article, the author asserts that the drama of electoral theft is even more serious, because “Democrats are nearly out of time to stop them.”

Let’s see. On the one hand, there is an ontological problem. You cannot stop what does not exist, neither with much nor with little time. On the other hand, I see in this Democrat hysteria a pattern, the same one that surrounds the climate change rhetoric. Perhaps the Left has seen that inventing an imaginary monster that will inexorably devour humanity in the future, unless we put an end to capitalism, really, actually works. And faced with the impossibility of defending the Democrats’ management (without laughing their asses off), they have decided to bet everything on the unreality card: claiming that the monster that will devour American democracy is the Republican Party.

I know I should be very concerned about all this because journalism, ethics, commitment to the truth, and so on. But I can’t hide the fact that it amuses me greatly. Now the imaginary threat of a right-wing coup is going to keep us entertained for a few months — and thank God if, with it, they don’t find another excuse to raise your taxes even more, as they do in every Davos orgy with that imaginary beast, the destruction of the planet. Xi Jinping is very happy with the spectacle. He has never before encountered such an irrelevant government in the United States, so blindly supported by journalists who claim to see the Bogeyman himself having breakfast with Bigfoot in their neighborhood coffee shop every morning. And they come up with all this without smoking pot, I suspect.

The reality on the right is much more melancholy than the one presented to us by far-left futurists after reading their coffee grounds: we conservatives can’t stage coups because we’re too busy working.