In light of John Kerry stepping forward and becoming the first idiot to say that the terrible thing about the Ukraine war is that it distracts the world from the real battle of climate change, I’ve been working on a list of new idiot hypotheses for the Left to use at will. I do this in the spirit of altruism. Today is Ash Wednesday, and my penance is to give the progressives ideas for them to use successfully on their TV talk shows, in their bars, and even at family celebrations. I have allowed myself to comment on each argument because, just as abortionists say “My body, my rules,” from today on it will be “My column, my rules.”
1. This war is the result of Putin’s czarist tendency.
I can’t claim authorship of this nonsense. I took it from a communist minister in Spain. Clearly, in progressive textbooks, Russian history jumps from the imperial czar on horseback to Putin doing weights and petting his doggy.
2. No good can come of any war.
Russia’s war is bad. What is good is Maria Sharapova.
3. Ukraine is a failed state.
It has survived communism with dignity. That’s one up on Russia, China, North Korea, and Cuba combined.
4. Nobody talks of the violence carried out by Ukrainians against Donetsk separatists.
Nor does anyone talk about my romantic relationship with Sandra Bullock. I find this incomprehensible.
5. Let’s develop the ecological program: throw a bomb, plant a tree.
I propose the conservative one: plant an ecologist, throw a tree, drink a few whiskeys, have a ball.
6. It is inadmissible that Ukrainians should be fighting without masks.
Good thing the paranoid Europeans have sent millions of face masks to Ukraine in aid packages. If things get really ugly, they can always use them as slingshots.
7. The ultra-right-wing Zelensky is a friend of Trump’s. Ultra-communist Putin is a friend of Trump’s. I knew it! This is 100 percent Trump’s war.
Syllogisms are complicated for the Left to grasp.
8. All of Europe should stop buying gas from Putin right now: it’s polluting!
This sounds to me like that brilliant European idea before the advent of Carrie Greta: Shut down nuclear power! (Warm up with Russian gas.)
9. The bad thing about missiles is that they leave a giant dust cloud behind them.
You won’t see John Kerry sweeping up.
10. It’s the poor that suffer through this war while the rich enjoy it (i.e., people wearing bell-bottoms, round sunglasses, and a marijuana cigarette in the corner of the lips).
Typical hippie rhetoric that was already old in the ’60s.
11. Putin is forcing Biden into a war that the old man doesn’t want. He’s a father and grandfather. What kind of father and grandfather would want a war?
12. Zelensky is a Nazi. Just look at what he said yesterday in the European Parliament: “Lives are being sacrificed for values, for rights, for freedom, to have the same equality that you enjoy.”
The communists in the European Parliament turn to goo at the mention of “freedom” like demons faced with holy water.
13. Biden is a man with a very long career in international politics. A born negotiator. A skilled politician. A guarantee.
Let’s be clear on this. Biden is the damn hole in a doughnut. An expired donut half eaten by a chihuahua.
14. I can’t believe that the military is not following environmental protocols for handling nuclear waste cemeteries.
It is typical for a soldier in the throes of battle, whilst dodging bullets, to pull Al Gore’s Nuclear Waste Handler’s Manual out of his pocket and start reading.
15. We must end this war as soon as possible or our world will end up in the hands of terrorists: I saw a Russian without a COVID passport enter a bar to order a beer!
Are you sure he dared to enter a bar on European soil, without a COVID passport? Those Russians have definitely lost their minds.
16. What will Mom think?
That Putin’s 400 mercenaries trying to kill Zelensky will not be home for dinner tonight.
17. We should thank God for having Jen Psaki as our spokesperson in these days of conflict. Her work is proving crucial in keeping Putin from knowing whether to bomb or embrace the United States.
But only because he can’t stand to listen to it for longer than 30 seconds before changing the channel.
18. Putin is a fascist because he persecutes homosexuals.
If you hear this kind of statement roll off the tongues of your friends on the left, it is only because Putin is not a Muslim.
19. Obama needs to come back and put things in order.
It would be great to get the allied troops dancing salsa! I can picture Biden sipping a daiquiri and asking, “Who’s the black guy?”
(READ MORE from Itxu Díaz: The High Price of Biden’s Weakness on Russia and Ukraine)
20. Everything is under control. Ursula is in charge in Europe and Joe in the United States.
21. It is significant that Kamala is leading the war against Putin. The cause needs feminist input. Someone to look that drunken midget in the face and say, “Hey, Vladimir, what about gender-aware bombing?”
Putin should be tried for gender war crimes.
22. With women in power, there would be no wars.
Just take a look at my teenage posse and smell the fresh blood every time one of the girls gets up to go to the bathroom at the pub. The women I know are more about polonium and KGB than nuclear war.
23. The bad thing about bombs is that even though they are thrown into the sky, in the end they fall back down.
As Archimedes said, “If they are Soviet-made, anything can happen.”
24. No one knew where Ukraine was before this war started. Zelensky has Putin to thank for putting Ukraine on the map.
Putin should be awarded the 2022 Nobel Prize in Geography!
25. That Ukrainian women are beautiful is a typical extreme right-wing sexist-heteropatriarchal-hematocritical-xenophobic-xylophobic comment.
The Left is upset that Ukrainian women are hot and white. Progressives only like refugees if they are black, ugly, or wear slippers.
26. The Russians did not want this war.
This argument is true. Only the Kremlin wanted this war. And not very much.
27. The most serious thing that is happening in this war is the press censorship.
Agreed, but we can’t call just anyone who goes to eastern Ukraine with a video camera and starts recording videos for TikTok repeating the words “Dantean scenario” over and over (without ever having read Dante) a journalist.
28. Censorship on Russian television is unacceptable.
It’s not Russian TV stations, but onanistic Kremlin journalism. On the other hand, I just saw the Ukrainian TV tower in Kyiv blown up. I guess that’s what the Russians call “ratings warfare.”
29. The crisis in Ukraine has brought back the old splendor of the European Union.
The war has only highlighted that all those clowns in Brussels obsessed with rights from the waist down, the coronavirus, and climate change are a lot crazier than Putin.
30. A nuclear war would be devastating.
Brilliant observation. I would say more: it would leave a Dantean scenario.
31. Make love and not war.
In Ukraine — we wish!
32. Wasn’t Christianity the religion of peace? Wasn’t it Islamists who provoked all wars?
I’m really worried because I have yet to hear any progressive spout this stupidity on primetime TV. They are losing faculties with age.
33. Putin should be careful: France also has nuclear weapons.
And my grandmother has a rolling pin that is lethal.
34. The terrible sanctions are only going to kill the Russian people.
Not like the Russian bombs over Ukraine, which skillfully dodge civilians.
35. Fortunately, the EU reacted immediately to Putin’s bombings by expelling Russia from the Eurovision Song Contest.
Are you sure that’s part of the sanctions or the reward package?