I have to take a moment to apologize, readers. When I wrote about how Hillary Clinton was goingto “normalize” herself in an effort to connect with the real folk who will one day be browbeaten enough to vote for her, I assumed that she would do normal, politics-y things like talk about her favorite cookie recipe that she’s never baked once and stole from the back of a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips, or chat about her morning Sun Salutations and raw kale smoothies in a joint interview with Kate Hudson in SELF.
I underestimated the commitment here.
Instead, Hillary Clinton is embarking on a cross-country roadtrip. In a van. Called “Scooby.”
Clinton left Sunday on a road trip from her home in Chappaqua, New York, in a van headed for Iowa, home of the nation’s first presidential caucuses.
The former secretary of state announced her Democratic presidential bid Sunday and will hold her first campaign event on Tuesday in eastern Iowa. The road trip was Clinton’s idea, aides said.
“When Hillary first told us that she was ready to hit the road for Iowa, we literally looked at her and said, ‘Seriously?’ And she said, ‘Seriously,’” said longtime aide Huma Abedin in a conference call with Clinton alumni. “This was her idea, and she’s been really excited about it since she came up with it.”
There are two plausible explanations for this: one, she really did come up with the idea and her aides are humoring her because it’s barely 24 hours from Chappaqua, New York to Des Moines, Iowa, if they have a revolving shift of Secret Services agents they can employ to drive the van round the clock (and yes, if you read on in the article, it becomes patently clear that Her Highness is merely a van passenger – “The aide said Clinton was a passenger and the van was driven by the Secret Service” – as the real Woman of the People, Hillary Clinton, probably hasn’t driven herself anywhere since recovering from her abject poverty sometime in January 2001). Or, two, her aides came up with this idea, drugged or badgered her until she agreed, and have now forced her to interact with people from flyover country, only to have her grow increasingly irate as the van meanders across the Starbucks-less wasteland of Pennsylvania.
I’m guessing it’s the second. And I’m also guessing that literally no one on this campaign has seen a single episode of Scooby Doo, otherwise they’d know that the creepy old miser who wants to retain complete control over a decaying piece of property for no unspecified reason, and so manufactures the threat of supernatural outside forces, only to hide their wrinkled, evil visage behind the friendlier veneer of a twisted swamp creature does not ride with the Scooby Doo crew in the Mystery Machine. She’s supposed to lurk in the shadows, picking on the weaker, more stoned members of the crew before being unmasked and blaming those meddling kids – not the other way around.
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