Hillary Clinton is Everyone's Emailing Grandmother, Basically - The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Hillary Clinton is Everyone’s Emailing Grandmother, Basically

Nothing says “I’m prepared to be your next President” like a six email back-and-forth over how to use a fax machine.

Because God is good and He loves us, especially His political bloggers, the State Department began the process of publicizing many of Hillary Clinton’s “private emails.” The first batch hit the web last night and while there are some revealing items — the Obama Administration was clearly aware, for example, that Hillary was using a private email server, and some administration officials who claimed to know nothing about Hillary’s technological reroute were caught red-handed emailing her at a very suspicious address, and she spent a lot more time chatting up Sidney Blumenthal than anyone cared to admit —  the best part of the Hillary email cache is easily — easily — her sad, confusing relationship with her cast of supporting characters.

There are tons of great examples of why Hillary Clinton would be properly considered a cross between Arrested Development‘s Lucille Bluth and Veep‘s Selina Meyer, but instead of telling you that you might want to reconsider questioning her grasp of, say, the iPhone’s mail retrival system, I’ll just show you.


I call this one, “Lucy and Ethel Get a Fax from the Joint Chiefs.”

She is, of course, not alone, even in her own office, in her lack of technological ability. While she and her top aide, Huma, struggled to master a communications format that reached peak use somewhere around the time pantsuits with shoulder pads were inching their way out of fashion, the rest of her office was scratching their collective head over this newfangled concept, “twittering”:


There’s also some very important insight into Hillary Clinton’s ongoing relationship with one of her husband’s closest advisors, Captain Planet himself, Al Gore. Turns out, her respect and admiration for the Planet’s savior is limited to professional entanglements only.


Hillary Clinton does have friends, though. She frequently dines with her Senate buddy, “DiFi” — Dianne Feinstein:


And when Secretary Clinton shattered he elbow in the summer of 2009, she received a very special condolence letter from another Senate girlfriend, Sen. Barbara Mikulski, who was worried — at least as far as I can tell (holy typos, Batman) that the elbow injury was especially concerning to those who might also need to do certain lady-type things. These gender specific activities are not described in great detail.


The logistics of being a woman are, indeed, made more difficult by any injury. It’s very hard to make sandwiches and break through the glass ceiling when you can’t raise your arms above shoulder-height. At least, I think that’s what she’s saying. I can’t honestly tell if she even knew.

One of Secretary Clinton’s greatest diplomatic challenges, though, it seems, was simply getting the White House to notice her. She tried everything, you guys. She sent them notes. She left them text messages with lots of adorable emoji. One time, she even waited for them in the hallway after class, but they just refused to acknowledge she was even there. There was even this one time, in 2009, when she heard they were having a party and she tried to muscle her way in but it was too late. Everyone was already hanging out, and she wasn’t invited

No, seriously. She heard about a Cabinet meetings on the radio, and sent this depressing communiqué to her scheduler:


In the grand scheme, though, that wasn’t the worst thing the White House ever did to poor Secretary Clinton. Twice they actually arranged to hang out with her, only to leave her saddened and confused, awkwardly shuffling around the White House foyer, stood up by the entire Cabinet for the second time.


But the good news is, no matter how much the Administration endeavored to ignore her, she was always in the good graces of the American people. Or, at least her coat was. Once.


State will continue to drop the emails in small batches over the next several weeks. Most of the communications will likely involve exactly this level of seriousness, since Hillary Clinton has long since scrubbed or deep-sixed anything that would make any specific reference to actually doing her job. 

And frankly, I kind of can’t wait.

Sign up to receive our latest updates! Register

By submitting this form, you are consenting to receive marketing emails from: The American Spectator, 122 S Royal Street, Alexandria, VA, 22314, http://spectator.org. You can revoke your consent to receive emails at any time by using the SafeUnsubscribe® link, found at the bottom of every email. Emails are serviced by Constant Contact

Be a Free Market Loving Patriot. Subscribe Today!