I’ll confess that I’m co-opting and changing a meme that popped out onto the internet after the Pennsylvania Senate race was called for the candidate who cannot speak beyond rank gibberish.
The meme reads: “Biden-Fetterman 2024: It’s a no-brainer!” But with the cultural imperative moving toward the newer and worse at all times, one would surely agree that Joe Biden is far too conventional a choice to lead the Democrats’ ticket.
No, if that party is to truly embrace its own commitment to the avant-garde, if it is to be as truly progressive as it claims to be, then Biden must go — and not for the reasons the rest of the country, all two-thirds of us, wish to dispose of him.
It’s not that Biden is non compos mentis. It’s that he’s not non compos mentis enough.
Not enough to meet the rapidly declining standards of the Democrat Party. And of the American electorate as a whole, apparently.
There is an entire column to be written about how the Republicans managed to lose an election to a stroke patient with a massive growth protruding from the back of his neck (reminiscent, in another context, of Quato), who dresses like a 10-year-old, spouts inanities from Bernie Sanders’ books as though they came from Mao himself, had a history of chasing innocent black men about the streets with a shotgun, and was categorically incapable of telling the truth even before his poor health choices nearly killed him. Perhaps someone better qualified than me can write it here at The American Spectator. I find the topic wholly depressing for what it says about the electorate of the Keystone State as well as the GOP.
But if I were going to construct a loser to John Fetterman, I might consider rejecting an American veteran of the Gulf War in favor of someone who served not in the U.S. Army but in Turkey’s, and then add that my candidate was from New Jersey, sold dietary supplements on Oprah, and had expressed practically every left-wing perspective possible right up to the point he was to run for statewide office as a Republican. Mehmet Oz seems like a sympathetic figure, and, of course, he’s a far better candidate than Fetterman, but, in America today, it isn’t enough to be a better candidate if you’re a Republican in a bluish state.
You’d better know how to steal an election and make it look good. Because the other side will find a way to steal it and not even care about the optics.
Which is why the Democrats ought to take Katy Tur’s advice.
Absolutely they should run him. He represents everything that matters about that party.
Can’t make complete sentences? That’s hardly a problem. Have you listened to Hank Johnson? Hell, have you listened to Nancy Pelosi for that matter? They’re guilty of the same gibberish that Fetterman is. And, of course, so is Biden.
And Dianne Feinstein is worse off than any of them.
None of them can even qualify as the most infirm of their candidates in the 2022 election cycle. In Fetterman’s own state, the Democrats literally ran a dead guy and their voters — almost assuredly including many of his room-temperature peers — turned out to elect him:
A longtime Pennsylvania state representative was re-elected in a landslide – even though he died last month.
Democrat Anthony “Tony” DeLuca, Pennsylvania’s longest-serving state representative, was the choice in more than 85% of votes cast.
DeLuca, 85, died on 9 October from lymphoma, a disease he had twice previously fended off.
By the time of his death it was too late to change the ballot or put forth another candidate for his seat. While his opponent, Green candidate Queonia “Zarah” Livingston, accounted for more than 14% of the vote, DeLuca’s victory has triggered a special election that will be held on a later date.
“While we’re incredibly saddened by the loss of Representative Tony DeLuca, we are proud to see the voters continue to show their confidence in him and his commitment to Democratic values by re-electing him posthumously,” the Pennsylvania House Democratic campaign committee said in a tweet.
With apologies to Mr. DeLuca, his ambitions are revealed in death to be perhaps too limited.
Because the Democrats will run a dead guy. They’ll run a fruit or a vegetable.
That’s not meant to convey a slur. They will literally run a fruit, or a vegetable.
They’ll run a body part. They’ll run a car part. They’ll run a sex doll.
And their voters will turn out for him, or her, or it, or “they,” or “zhe.”
And they’ll prolong the counting until whatever entity they’ve placed on the ballot emerges victorious.
Non compos mentis? Non forsit!
This isn’t even objectionable anymore. Clearly, it should be, because we’ve seen this movie before. There’s a short ride from Caligula’s horse becoming a senator to the Visigoths storming the market district and ending the empire.
But clearly it isn’t objectionable. Not to the Democrats. Standards are racist, or homophobic, or sexist, or transphobic.
Or necrophobic. Which is the next calumny set to be hurled at those who might point out that a seance is a less than reliable means of governance.
But if this is to be our future, and it clearly is, then is it too much to ask that the Democrats own it?
Please, own it.
The Biden experience teaches us that elections are won by a brand rather than a candidate. Biden is a poor man’s Ron Burgundy, fronting for a faceless cabal even less electable than he is. So is Fetterman — in fact, anyone not non compos mentis can tell that only a respectful interval between his election and his retirement for “health reasons” will keep us from finding out that his wife, who immigrated here illegally from Brazil, was the real candidate.
And they’ll run her, too. And they’ll vote for her. You’re not allowed to question it.
Welcome to the future, America. It looks an awful lot like a Peter Sellers movie. Get used to it.
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